By Shane McKinley, PWTorch Absurdity specialist

“Cause everybody wants to be a winner
Nobody wants to lose their game
It’s the same for me
It’s the same for you”
-“Insane” by Texas

I was over in London while watching this Raw, so I wasn’t subjected to commercials of Katy Perry humping a Pepsi machine suggestively. I gotta say, over the pond, they’ve got pretty good commercials. Good going, Brits. I like that “The Newsroom” one where Jeff Bridges gives the skinny on America and how hopeless we are.




There’s a really fat fudgin’ chance Charlie Sheen has been spending his Monday nights watching Raw. But, I’ll play along.

Although the whole “Twitter Social Ambassador” is a bunch of nonsense, it’s gonna be effective nonsense. The problem stems for the next show, the #1001 show, where we all know Charlie Sheen is not financially obligated to be part of this circus anymore. We like the attention he’s gonna bring to the 1,000th Raw, we just hope he doesn’t go Jeremy Piven on us.

Heck, Sheen’s list of tweets could be written right now, and all an assistant from Team Sheen has to do is just roll them out when the script says so. “Uh oh, Jim, people are tuning out during this bit! Quick, have Sheen tweet about BA stars BAng hookers!”

Raw is gonna start at 5:00 p.m. PST on July 23. Seriously, 5:00 p.m. start time for a wrestling show? Bad time. TNA would agree. Can y’all give us some minutes to get home from work and get settled in? Or, have Raw on the radio? Oh wait, us older folks don’t matter.

AW got mic'ed up, which is a nice touch to keep fans awake from falling asleep during his clients’s forgettable in-ring action, but it’s not as memorable as say, a big-ass megaphone. I mean, Jimmy Hart had his face on energy drinks. AW looks like he would be lucky selling tires.

At least the fans were calling Alberto Del Rio “asshole” (if I’m wrong, I’m sure somebody will correct me down below) in Spanish. They weren’t calling Sin Cara anything. But, hey, no sexy Sin Cara mood lighting, as Del Rio eats up Sin Cara like a churro. It’s like they know I can’t stand Sin Cara matches, and they’re willing to bury Sin Cara in his hot spot.

It’s just too bad that before the PPV, Alberto Del Rio will get food poisoning from catering and be forced to be hospitalized. Ooh, tough luck. We weren’t trying to derail you at all, champ. Not at all. Hee hee…

A.J. Lee eating the head of that rose…where has this girl been all our lives? Dude, she’s nearly past “Sunny” on the Crush-O-Meter. Plus, Daniel Bryan and A.J. Lee together is entertaining television. Meanwhile, the phenomenal A.J. Styles allegedly had sex with the worse-than-ordinary Claire. Yawn.

Regarding the Raw MITB match at the PPV, it wouldn’t be the end of the world if John Cena won. Since these guys have all been world champions, you’re not going to get that “Daniel Bryan” moment of last year. What you will get is a top act who could cash in at any time. I have no problems with Cena in the MITB match, since his last PPV opponents were Big Show and Big Johnny. Eugh.

According to Paul Heyman, Triple H wants Brock Lesnar to face him so that Brock can destroy him and Triple H can go gracefully into his corporate career knowing that he went out being speared from Brock’s sword, and knowing that indeed, UFC is better than WWE, and it’s all Trips’s fault.

You figure any man’s ego would be fine with facing Undertaker at WrestleMania in a “End of a Era” match, but Triple H wants his brain to be bashed in because he can’t take any more of his kids whining and crying. If you had kids, you would understand. “Sorry, honey, I can’t come home to babysit the kids, Doc says I gotta stay away from loud noises and bright lights. I’ll be at the bar all night." Triple H: a genius.

Vickie: “Please put your hands together for the man whose head is a Brogue Kick Magnet…Dolph Ziggler!” As he boasts about every night, Ziggy did indeed get his head kicked off. “Nobody does it better than me!”

Oh man, if A.J. Lee made out with Dolph Ziggler after the match, hearts would explode. If it were Vickie Guerrero, brains would explode.

Sheen Tweet You Won’t See: “I’m so bored, playing with my ball hairs."

Aww, C.M. Punk wasn’t watching Raw cuz he was talking to his sister on the phone. (“Did you know that the McMahons ripped off ‘Rocky’? I know! So old!”) Now you made obsessive A.J. Lee sad.

Heath Slater is not a joke, ladies and gentlemen. Here’s a Heath Slater video package, complete with Looney Tunes sound effects. He’s not a clown. (Oh, Doink is coming out!)

It’s good to know that the Heath Slaters of the world can knock off Doink, but can’t defeat a DDP. At least it seems that three months from now, we won’t see a future endeavored Heath at old wrestling reunion shows begging Scott Hall to punch him.

Okay, this Raw has jumped an old shark, but it gives me time to put the finishing touches on another absurd article.

I’m not sure what to make of WWE re-issuing “No Holds Barred." I figure it’s because their new movies don’t so as well, so let’s dig up the “Dookie” movie! Sure, why not? Dookie works. Greed clarifies, cuts through, and captures the essence of the evolutionary spirit.




Hey, do you think WWE's "Are You Serious" show will jokingly rip on "No Holds Barred" instead of bashing WCW again? Wait, what I am writing? You can't make fun of the Dookie movie. It's serious stuff, damnit. It's critic-proof.

Meanwhile, Big Show and Kane have a snoozefest. Sheen would have tweeted about it, but he sold his television for 50 copies of "50 Shades Of Grey." After the match, Big Show walks to the back like a miserable Stone Cold. D’awww. Chin up, you slobberin' slugger. You'll bore everybody soon enough.

Eve is back! And she’s being a bully to poor A.J. Despite the fact that Eve’s breasts are taller than her, A.J. does her best “BA Star” and stands up for herself. Way to go, girl. I’m glad she didn’t do what the typical WWE face does and starting swinging away.

Things take... a turn... when A.J. Lee promises to do something that nobody will ever forget. A.J. smiles. My penis cowers in fear. Uh-oh. Up next: A.J. Lee takes a crossbow and shoots randomly into the crowd. Or, joins the Insane Clown Posse in singing that “Chris Benoit” song.




As his punishment, poor Alberto Del Rio has to pretend he was a big DX fan. You see, DX invaded WCW. That was when WWE had competition. WWE vs. TNA? There was ... uh ... “Bubblegate.” Ooh. Not quite invading Atlanta with a tank. Nope, we got bubbles.

Here’s Tensai. Where’s A.J., and when is she going to do something disgustingly horrible and shocking? I’m bored. But, behold, Tyson Kidd defeats Albert. Props to WWE for knowing when fans want to change the channel, and rewarding them with something unexpected. Although Albert-san beating up Mr. Miyagi...that was very, very bad. Poor random manager dude nobody cared about.

For some odd reason, Jericho and Daniel Bryan must have thought they were on an episode of “Sesame Street” with their quips and zany facial expressions. I swear, I saw Bryan morph into Oscar the Grouch for a second. All that was missing was Big Bird singing "Livin' on a prayer."

Wasn’t A.J. Lee going to set fire to something? Oh wait, she’s being a tease again, and I’ll have to wait until she gives chair shots to John Cena.

Tensai beats up Tyson Kidd, who added three seconds to his grand total of promo time, which is now...10 seconds. So: Big Show and Tensai. Can we have only one tall bald monster? Help me out here.

Did You Know? WWE is older than everything cool in your life. Ain’t that cool?

Main event time. It’s John Cena and the three vanilla midgets. When will A.J. Lee attempt to pull her flesh off? Stay tuned.

Cole tells fans that if Bryan defeated John Cena, that would be a huge win. I know what you’re thinking: “Booker didn’t say this?” We get it that Bryan is in the ring with JOHN CENA, but it still would be nice to give the #1 contender to the WWE Title some love.

Here’s A.J., and look out Devon, she’s getting wood. The ending features an emotional 13-year-old girl threatening to harm herself (in this case, threatening to dive onto a table), two guys try to save her, and lo and behold, they get screwed. Wait, women in WWE are something else than beautiful, strong, and smart? They can be crazy loonies, too? Whoa. I need time to process this.

That’s it for me. Going to go watch “Fatal Attraction,” drink some tea, and then it's bed time.




Or, maybe I'll stay up forever. Yep, sounds good.

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

We suggest these recent related articles...

ABSURDITY OF IT ALL - Raw: HBK To Crossbow Lesnar On Sunday, WWE Asks Paul Bearer's Ashes To Sell Mania, Punk & Triple H's Post-Mania Plans, Cash Cow Cena = Bieber?

ABSURDITY OF IT ALL - State of WM29 Card: Rock & Cena To Sing About Buffalo Nipples To Get Heat, What Heyman Should Have Stipulated To Hunter, Punk To Relieve Himself In Urn To Get Heat

ABSURDITY OF IT ALL - Raw & TNA: Using The Recently-Dead For Storylines, Bully Ray King Of Da World, Swagger To Be Sold To N. Korea Post-WM29, And Raw Gets A Flat

CLICK HERE FOR EVEN MORE PW.NET HEADLINES

CLICK TO EMAIL THIS ARTICLE
CLICK HERE TO RETURN TO MAIN LISTING