By Shane McKinley, PWTorch Absurdity specialist

“I was brought up to believe
The universe has a plan
We are only human
It’s not ours to understand”
-“BU2B” by Rush

Let’s say that you’re in the movie theaters months from now watching “Taken 2.” Liam Nielson’s family has been taken by bad guys and it’s up to ol’ Liam to take them back, shootin’ these young punks in the face. Near the final act, a bloody, battered, and visibly shaken Liam has found out where his wife and daughter are being kept, but he knows that their captors are inside, as well, ready to kill him. With a deep breath, Liam opens the door and...

SURPRISE!

The lights flick on as streamers fall from the ceiling. It turns out it was all one big gag! Liam’s family wasn’t in any danger at all! A delighted Liam acknowledges the rib and hugs his family.

That’s basically what TNA did to you Thursday night. We were all introduced to Cop-out Claire.




Yes, this ending was “too absurd for words,” but I’ll do my best to try to make sense of it.

First off, Cop-out Claire. Her name could become synomous with ending a storyline/match with a swerve-from-out-from-friggin-Mars. “Yep, that BFG match ended real Claire like."

Of course, Dixie and A.J. Styles could have just told us the real story all along, but they were afraid Cop-out Claire would sue them for blabbing about her.

Here’s a tip: In a male soap opera, a random girl talking about being an addict will receive the response of “boring.” If A.J. Lee did the same promo, there would be a massive barrage of flowers and candy at her doorstep, all delivered by yours truly.

Say, TNA could have used one of their Knockouts (heck, Velvet Sky as a bulimic) for this “Claire” role. But, nope, they wanted a nice and tidy out for Styles and Dixie, and they essentially created somebody out of thin air to end this story. Of course, you wouldn’t think that out of all of the dumb TNA endings, this really takes the cake. Of course not.

I have no idea what “Claire” or this whole blasted storyline was supposed to accomplish. This Styles/Dixie angle wasn’t a PPV feud, so it wasn’t going to make any money. It was a TV feud. And, the outcome of this TV feud? Apprently don't put too much trust in a TNA TV feud.




The A.J./Dixie love story won’t win any awards for acting, but it gave Christopher Daniels and Kaz a big push…to lose the Tag Titles.

It was the sort of ending that made you go, “That’s the ending?” Unless Daniels and Kaz try to goad Cop-out Claire in seeing the positives of drugs and “sleeping with vermin like Scott Steiner, who totally sucks by the way,” then it's an even worse scenario.

- Elsewhere on Impact, Hulk Hogan is a bit miffed at Austin Aries, because Aries wants the next X Division champion to get a World Title shot. There’s a problem. You see, in the exchange for Christian, WWE demanded that the X Division Title be awarded to...Santino.

Santino’s waist: The place where championships go to die.

So, you can see the quandary here. What’s the Hulkster to do?

- Over in WWE land, certain fired people get more air-time than current wrestlers...

The Alberto Del Rio concussion seemed iffy to me. According to reports, Al’s throwing his weight around backstage. I would like to see that side of him in his promos - the visibly pissed off guy whose butler gets PPV matches instead of him.

“Damn, Vader got a bigger reaction than some of our stars. We don’t want to portray that these old guys are hotter than Health Slater. By the way, how’s our WWF Attitude video game where we go back in time coming along?”

Have you seen the "WWE '13" Mike Tyson trailer? Nothing like Paul Heyman talking about how ya gonna murderize Jericho, champ. Worth the pre-order? That’s a clown question, bros. Wait three months until he’s available for DLC.




You know, Muhammad Ali, Mike Tyson, and Floyd “Money” Mayweather have all been involved with wrestling. Football? Not so much when discussing the postives. Reading about Terrell Owens and just thinking that if WWE is calling Cyndi Lauper's phone, perhaps T.O. can get his shot to join the world of that fake sports entertainment.

The second poster has come out for WWE’s next PPV. See below:




Damn, man. I'm in.

That’s it for me. I’ll be gone next week. Submiting an article or two every week can take its toll. If you want to jump in and be the guest interim general manager of “The Absurdity Of It All” (almost near 1,000 articles), give James Caldwell (jctorch@gmail.com) an email. No clown articles, brahs.

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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