By Shane McKinley, PWTorch Absurdity specialist

“I didn’t wanna lie to ya
But it sound more fly to ya
I didn’t wanna lie to ya
I swear it sound way fly to ya”
-“Truth Is Gonna Hurt You” by Future




Welcome to the WWE Universe, where it’s seemingly always Error 37! Oh, those crazy WWE guys. Extending Raw to three hours? You can’t help but think, “Gee, this is probably a real, real bad idea.” There are many things in the world that don’t go three hours: WWE movies, tests, lap dances. People don’t wait that long.

Wrestling reporters are complaining because, hey, that’s another hour they have to recap Raw for you cretins. Nah, I kid. Listen to Wade and James. They have valid points. Is Raw resembling Monday Night Nitro at the height of their power? Hell to the n-o. Nitro went three hours for the same reason Thursday Thunder happened: They felt the product was hot, so let’s give more to them. And, it turns out, maybe too much of NWO was a bad thing.

Look at the WWE product right now. It ain’t so hot. Nobody’s raving about shows that consist of nothing but Johnnymania, endless video packages, and Brodus Clay dancing on our hopes and dreams. Somewhere, the McMahons must have been gotten the impression that they were the ones who made the Avengers $209 million and no one has the balls to tell them different. Guys, you're not Facebook. WWE stock ain't selling at $38. We're sucking dustballs over here. Wait...maybe that's it! Maybe WWE is going with three-hours Raws because Vince conned that young punk Mark Zuckerberg to invest some dough into WWE! Ha ha, suckers!




Somebody sue me, because I want Paul Heyman as my lawyer. The Trips-Heyman legal drama won’t replace seeing Brock in-person, but it should buy enough time until Summerslam, where Trips defeats Loser Lesnar. After a lengthy legal court battle, of course, you would win against a UFC killer. It’s the daydream of Roger Clemens, so thank you, Trips, for living out Roger Clemens’s deluded dream.




Do you think WWE is gonna buck the trend and make wrestling important again to help fill out time? Well, maybe they should start today by freeing Dolph Ziggler from his hiding hole and make one of the credible guys actually credible again. I expect to see a turnaround for Ziggy real soon. Yup, any day now.

And, Ziggles just lost. Wow, amazingly, I can forsee what’s going to happen this Sunday. The science of a passover PPV: At least plant the seed for fans to believe that it just might be good. Now, y’all don’t fear Big Johnny Laurinaitis, and WWE wants you to. So, Johnny having a big Rottweiler as his command…that will go a long way toward getting his character over. I’m guessing that the Blubberin’ Big Show turns heel and joins forces with Diablo himself. I think Big Show and Johnny make a good visual: both of them are tall, and one of them can actually speak into the mic and form sentences convincingly.

Now, there are those of you out there who love this three-hour idea. Hey, who could complain about more of Raw? Well, there’s such a thing as dilution of the product. It’s the same reason why there are “come down” matches: People get burned out watching too much wrestling. If you’re one of those who suck down every second of WWE programming (Raw, NXT, Superstars, Smackdown, etc.), more power to you. The facts show that the majority of WWE fans don’t watch NXT, Superstars, or Smackdown. Heck, most of them are tuning out of Raw’s second hour. But, hey, it might be great. Who knows. All we're saying is that the evidence has been presented to the court (900 episodes pr sp), gentlemen and ladies of the jury, and we are stating that this is a borderline insane decision and we're more skeptical than hopeful. I am in favor of more WWE commerical revnenue and double the video packages to see what a mean, terrible human being Big Johnny is.

How do you feel about USA Network in all of this? I gotta believe they're content with all of this. I remember exactly two USA Network shows: "Burn Notice" and "Silk Stockings." I'm guessing USA is hoping for above 3.0 for three hours every week. I'm also guessing USA feels good about that assumption and bought the fib that the wrestlers are going to be fighting while wearing jetpacks and that Brodus Clay won't be doing the same thing in September that he's currently doing in May.

And, as far as “fans booking”...shudder. Ha ha, you kidders. Look, I’m all for things trending on Twitter, but booking on Twitter? Let’s leave that in the hands of the professionals, shall we? Hopefully the choices are the meaningless choices in years past, because fans with true booking power...*shudder shudder.




You gotta admit that at a time when the creative juices are running dry, WWE appears to be slapping their thighs, shouting, “Woowee! We lengthening it a hour! We don't care! We too big to fail! Yes! Yes! Yes!” and shooting their guns in the air while people run for cover.

Meanwhile, in the radioactive swamps lands of Florida…Holy Testicle Tuesday! Did ya hear, Ace? Impact is going to go live!




This will change…absolutely nothing! Other than C.M. Punk promo stumble or that messed-up Kane chokeslam that should never be witnessed again... oh, mommy, those WWE robots so darn effective sometimes I forget I’m watching a live show. People have concerns over TNA’s ability to get the crowd motivated (was nothing learned at TNA’s Lockdown?), and their production values are hit & miss, so, naturally, TNA decides to expose those by going live. But, maybe they’ll just hire plants to go crazy when King Mofo shows up.

I’ll say that both WWE and TNA must have a bad case of hay fever. WWE’s the more concerning one. I mean, the WWE Network idea is so iffy at this point, and it’s going to cost more than a Robert Downey, Jr. paycheck. Let’s scale back a bit, fellas. Like, at least try to make the Smackdown announce team not an all-out assault on viewers’s better sensibilities before WWE becomes Skynet and terrorizes humanity with five-hour Raws. Never fear, my absurd ones, I’m sending back John Connor to fix this.




- I do like what TNA is doing with "Open Fight Night." I don't think you'll find too many complaints about hyping title defenses on TV shows big time.

I don't like hearing the words "impressive young Bischoff" come out of an announcer's mouth, though. Baby Bisch could be Jesus in disguise and I'll still hate him because his last name is Bischoff. I could never see myself cheering him. But, it's okay, since he's got Madison Rayne making googly eyes at him.

TNA's...not really good with mysteries. Instead of hiring kings, maybe they should hire a dude who can come up with a better mystery storyline than "Why, what's in that briefcase Park just started randomly carrying around? What could be inside there?" And, heavens, Christopher Daniels has a picture of A.J. Styles making out with Dixie Carter/Jeff Jarrett/Doesn't matter. "That's how the poster boy got ahead! He got a free ride to the top. And, hey, how about that impressive Garett Bischoff? Man, I really dig that kid. He's just so impressive. No free rides for him."

For the Gut Check concept to work, perhaps we should see Anderson Silva. But, we haven't. So, viewers may get the notion that Gut Check consists of nothing but a pandering promo from a goober who won't be seen again. Thanks?

- Over on Smackdown, I dig Damien Sandow. Sure, his character is as almost as old as wrestling itself. But, I like the look, the way he holds the mic like a glass of wine, and his beard of beards.

- That’s it for me. John Cena’s apparent mental breakdown on Raw was a bit creepy, no? I expect him to wear a pink tutu and him say what a pretty girl he is.




Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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