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Absurdity of it All
ABSURDITY OF IT ALL - WM28: Creating A Classic Wrestling Match, Cena Can't Beat People Cooler Than Him, Bryan Gets Bryan'ed, Will Ryder Eve(r) Get The Hint?

Apr 2, 2012 - 2:02:32 PM
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By Shane McKinley, PWTorch Absurdity specialist

Often, you'll hear than such-and-such match was a great WWE/TNA/ROH/etc. match, but not necessarily a great wrestling match. The storytelling in the Taker-Trips match is what every wrestling organization strives for. For me, the match reminded me of Japanese wrestling, where fighting spirit and honor are revered. Their match was a masterpiece and it went better than I hoped. Adding Jim Ross to announce it? Somebody loves wrestling fans.

Rock winning over Cena...that was for entertainment fans.
RockCena2_140_5.jpg

Here, I thought we were going to see serious Cena, then look who busted out the jean shorts again. Look who's saying he's taking this match so seriously because this is his life and there is no way Rock is taking it from me...and his last move is doing the People's Elbow with a sheepish grin on his face. In that once-in-a-lifetime crucial moment, he reverted to 10-year0old Cena monkeying around in the backyard.

Does it really matter that Cena lost? Eh. You have to admit it is a bit...controversial that WWE's top guy was dropped in favor for a movie star who might have two matches a year, if that. Hey, Rock's obviously a mega-superstar. And, it's obvious that Cena seemingly just can't beat people cooler than him (Miz, C.M. Punk, Rock). He sure can whoop that Kane ass, though.

And, it does hurt that fans are stuck with Cena while Rock go does movies. The line that really bugged me in the night was Cole trying to cover for Cena by saying, "This match was like the team with the last at-bat wins," or something along their lines.

That line doesn't work, because that applies to team sports. Wrestling involves one guy vs. one guy. It's a battle of attrition, of heart, of guts, of determination (you know, the things that were talked about during the Taker-Trips match). I pay to see battle of struggle and conquest, not battles of luck. "There were no losers in this match." Nuh uh. Don't pull that. Perception is reality. Cena's a loser.

If you missed the match, here's a quick recap

(1) Match begins
(2) The first five minutes of Rock-Hogan
(3) Cena working the body like Rocky
(4) Rock starts to look gassed
(5) Both of them routinely go through their trademark moves
(6) Cena, in his Bradying pose, realizes he lost because he's not as a successful movie star as the Rock
(7) The end

I mean, Rock's such a mega-superstar that WWE protected him, knowing full-well that most fans don't expect him back until next year's WrestleMania. Guess what? You have to wait another year for this pay-off! Just tide yourself over with Cena's new color scheme!

- Kane getting the win over Orton? Some people say there's some hope for a Kane revival, but...damn, it's really hard to see. Sure, Mark Henry blew us all away with his heel run. Can Kane do the same? Maybe getting rid of the cheesy clothing and cheesy promos would help? I dunno?

- Another old star from the attitudinal era, Big Show, got the nod over a younger star (the theme of the night for the most part). Winning the IC Title is one of those "lifetime achievement awards," and truth be told, Smackdown could use some shaking up. I wasn't thinking into the match, "Boy, Big Show's a big WrestleMania loser." You know who's a big WrestleMania loser? Randy Orton. It's true.

- With Jennifer Hudson's hubby, I can't say I've seen a jacked guy before an athletic competition slurp from a coffee container. It's a weird visual.

- Great work from Jericho-Punk turning a stupid, stupid, stupid DQ-lose championship stipulation (really unnecessary) into what people wanted to see in the first place: an athletic event.

- I wonder if previous F-14 fighter pilots that flew over WrestleMania are mad that they didn't get as much face time as Danger Dog, Shrek, and Stinky.

- I have no problem with Daniel Bryan getting Daniel Bryan'ed on WrestleMania by Sheamus. After all, one is a respected veteran who's up there with the best wrestlers in the world and the other one stars in Kmart commercials. Duh. Kmart commercial guy wins every time.

- I don't have HDTV, so while Miz was talking, the camera wasn't showing his face. Miz winning for Team Johnny....meh. I'm glad Miz got the big win, even though it seems they keep Miz in the loop for doing media rounds. What about Mr. Excitement running both Raw and Smackdown? Good grief. That's suppose to make me tune into Raw tonight? Right now, the thing that's making me tune in is seeing if a meathead (Brock Lesnar or Batista) shows up, which would follow the formula of the Raw after WrestleMania having a big moment. If not a meathead returning, then maybe Cena just admitting that he gets irritated by people cooler than him and thus loses.

- To me, a lot of the attitudinal era showed up in this PPV. Rock and Kane winning was shocking to me, because you figured that either Cena or Orton would win, but both losing? Sheamus, with the force of the WWE hype machine behind him, made quick work of Daniel Bryan. Big Show got some big love. Taker, Trips, and HBK created a masterpiece. And, Zack Ryder got kicked in the balls by Eve. Maybe he should get the hint by now?

Absurd Wrestlemania Verdict: In The Middle Of Absurdity

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com


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ABSURDITY OF IT ALL - State of WM29 Card: Rock & Cena To Sing About Buffalo Nipples To Get Heat, What Heyman Should Have Stipulated To Hunter, Punk To Relieve Himself In Urn To Get Heat
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