By Shane McKinley, PWTorch Absurdity specialist

“Another feather in the cap for all the years
That we spent in luxuries lap without looking back
Cause memories could sting like a hornet
Damn it felt good to see people up on it”
-“Kool On” by The Roots

What’s going on in TNA? Sting’s sphictiner is acting up again. So, you got that going for ya. Oh, and Kurt Angle pushed a storyline that he goes into James Storm’s town and beats up everyone, one anklelock at a time. You know what happened: a veteran comes up with a horrendous storyline that makes him look so cool and badass (the “Triple H, Kevin Nash, and the texts we sent” debacle being the prime example). Maybe Kurt beats up everyone in India.

I’m not bashing TNA. It has its charms and quirks. North America just ain’t ready for ROH to take the #2 wrestling company slot, with their recent four-hour geek show PPV that ain’t exactly “accessible” for the main masses. (Cornette: “Screw you! Charlie Haas FTW! I’m wake myself up with five chairshot to the head every morning, and you should to!”)

Oh crap. I made have just got on Cornette's bad side. This ain't good. Well, if you don't get another absurdtiy article, you know Cornette took me out.

It’s hard what to predict what will happen in TNA in 2012. Will Chavo Guerro have the same impact on TNA viewers like Sean Morley? Will Hogan ever talk about the wrestling company in which he works for? Will somebody apologize for trying to get Garett Bischoff over as a wrestler?

- I'm watching UFC 141 while I bang this out. You got two beefy dudes in Brock Lesnar and Altair Whatever. Meanwhile, WWE has a couple of indy smucks as World champions. When Punk and Bryan came out that one Monday night as world champions, I thought to myself, “These guys are awfully small."

You get the sense that if WWE were truly behind Bryan’s championship reign, they would pump up the fact that he’s the world’s best wrestler and show just how damn good he is in the ring, not just Big Show’s little buddy. Bigger ain’t always necessary better.

And, I just witnessed an overhyped Brock Lesnar get finished off easily in the first round. Could Daniel Bryan defeat Brock Lesnar for realz? Hell, at this point I think Cornette could wipe the floor with Brock. Go back to wrestling, Brock, ya being exposed! Exposed I tells ya!

Speaking of UFC, I really, really hate fighter Nate Diaz. It would cause me great joy to see that punk get knocked out. Nate Diaz flips the bird in the octagon, I find that disrespectful. Nate does the same in the squared circle, I applaud. It’s from the understanding that while watching wrestling, yes, these guys are playing a scripted role, so it’s really difficult to get my blood riled up into real hatred. As an older fan, the guys who just sort of irk me are annoying ones (Cole), incompetent ones (Johnny Ace), and old nethdarals that are filled with doucheiness (Triple H).

I remember yelling at the television screen as a young tyke because Ric Flair was such a big jerk. One of the advantages of the upcoming Cena heel turn at Mania is that it will work both for kids as well as adults. Rock growing an Afro for Mania would also work out for me, rooty-poos.

- Back in July, no one thought WWE could possibly screw up the finish to Money In The Bank. If you think about it, that whole ride ended at Summerslam, with Kevin Nash (!) and Alberto Del Rio (!) mucking things up.

Re-watching Punk’s “promo heard around the world,” was it as revolutionary as Austin’s “3:16” bit? Not quite. But, you have to understand, at that time, people were discussing things like R-Truth hitting Cena with a water bottle. At that time, we were ready for anything.

Hey, WWE remembered they have Wade Barrett on their payroll! Hooray!

One of the advantages of this year’s WrestleMania is two dream match-ups are already in place (Rock vs. Cena and a rumored match of Trips vs. Taker with HBK as special guest ref). Thus, it can be feasible that both Punk and Bryan can defend their respective World Titles on that big stage. Punk for sure. Bryan? The safe bet would be no. Bryan’s character outside the ring hasn’t really progressed further than being the stickler of Cole hate. Oh, and his promos still go, “You know, in many ways I’m a loser”…but now he enunciates “WORLD…HEAVYWEIGHT…CHAMPION!” at the end of each one. That’s progress. Keep at it, slugger.

Punk might be WWE champion, but damn if he doesn’t need somebody else besides Johnny Ace to fight. Bringing in Chris Jericho to feud with will do nicely.

Oh, The Miz. Yeah. Tintin himself. He’s a killer, folks. Lesnar could take him but he would probably hurt his hand touching Miz's fo-hawk. Ow.




- What is a "Broski?" Am I a Broski if I wear a headband, armbands, chain, shoes, sunglasses, and shirt that have Zack Ryder's name on them? Would North Korea be a better place if Zack was the "Brotator," though? And, seriously, who still watches NXT? "Sorry, I can't make love to you, pumpkin, I gots to watch NXT online!"

If that is Chris Jericho’s “prophetless” video, thumbs up for it being a bunch of confusing nonsense. It’s either a Jericho video or a warning never to have children. It will be good to have Jericho back, before he gets bored again and scampers off to VH1.

Monsters should only grunt, groan, scream, and laugh. They should not go on long soliquoys and express their deepest feelings about a subject matter that’s kinda goofy. Case in point, Kane’s really concerned that mister nonfat white milk will go bad. Sure. Seems like some writers overthought this, no? So, less pondering and more chokeslammin', please.



2012 will be the year of Cody Rhodes and Dolph Ziggler. Cody’s doing the Legend Killer tour, while Dolph will strut his stuff against C.M. Punk on the next Raw. Ted DiBiase will be happy not to be fired, and Zack Ryder will try to fend off the mastodon Brodus Clay while selling off mountains of merch like his hero, Cena.




- So far, the WWE Network is a Dubstep song and a heck of a lot of maybes. They picked the Dubstep song to drown out the major concerns of just how exactly this thing is gonna play out.

That's it for me. I heard that Zack Ryder's YouTube show will require a purchase of a "Online Pass" (kids, get your parent's credit card) to view. Do it! The Big O needs your love and attention!




Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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