By Shane McKinley, PWTorch Absurdity specialist

So, you watched “Final Resolution To Be Finalized Next Thursday” last Sunday night. Gravy baby. Let's check out three hours of Monday Night Raw to tide us over. Three hours of gawdful nonsense later and everything is lost. What has happened? Why am I getting three hours of Jim Ross rapping and "twitter trending matches" and just other stupid nonsense?

The Miz may have held the WWE Title earlier this year, but he still looks like the same goof who at this time last year was hanging around with Cole opening Raw with a “Ghosts of Christmas Past” skit.

I was shocked that there’s a PPV coming on Sunday. I’m glad to know that C.M. Punk training for this triple threat match mainly consisted of him slaving over that Johnny Acehold tribute video. That’s the only thing people remember about the triple threat title match build-up. I thought Punk was supposed to bring a revolution to WWE, not bring back the '80s.




I think they forgot to realize that there’s no emotional connection to Punk feuding with Laurinaitis. If anyone tries to compare it to Stone Cold-Vince McMahon, you have permission to slap that person in the face. I don’t care that Johnny will probably screw with Punk at the PPV. I just want him off my screen.

By the way, I’m Triple H and I’ll suck whatever fun you had in enjoying wrestling. Heck, I can do it all in one promo. I’m gonna dance with Kevin Nash, who may or may not be able to climb a ladder, and then I’m going to do fight Taker again and all of you guys will cheer because my career will be over despite that I’ve only wrestled about three whole matches in 2011. That is, of course, if Kevin Nash doesn't hospitalize me so I don't make it to WrestleMania. Ha ha, why even bother entertaining that thought? I'm The Game!

I am interested in seeing what Triple H does behind the scenes. Apparently he’s going to get rid of the bodybuilders with two left feet and start going after guys like the late Dr. Death – college all-stars who can actually do something in the ring besides clotheslines and punches in the corner.

I’m hoping WWE creates a Cole skit so annoying and loud that Cole himself blows up into gooey chunks from just the extent of how awful it is. I have hope with WWE's product: the hope that certain people will spontaneously combust.

Kane’s back with a big, scary, metal mask that he crafted from Katie Vick's metal coffin. Apparently he’s going after Cena, that dumb babyface, instead of going after Mark Henry, the dude who snapped his leg bone. Mark my words, write it down, record it for posterity because I guara-damn-tee this will happen: It’s gonna be a triple threat championship match with Rock, Cena, and Kane at WrestleMania!




Tee-hee! I’m Cena and I just played The Rock’s music just to prove the point that he doesn’t show up! And, guess what? I just did a cheap trick to make sure you watch Monday Night Raw in case Rock does show up!

Well, gee, I wish I had the strength to withstand three hours of WWE banality, but I just don’t. Stone Cold doesn’t show up, but you don’t play his music. Mick Foley showed up and WWE did their best to make him out to be the lamest cat on planet earth. Michael Jordan doesn’t play anymore but when he shows up to the arena people get to their feet and hoot and holla. You are just a hater.

-- On TNA Impact, they pulled not one but two cheap tricks: the overtime for a World Title match and the reveal of the Jarrett firing. Look, nobody can complain that it’s not effective television. But, remember the days when PPVs were worth looking forward to? When you wondered what would happen? Now it’s all too clear that television is where it’s at, and PPV buyers can go piss up a rope. Usually cliff-hangers get resolved during things I pay for. That’s why I pay. But, who pays for TNA PPVs anymore? Check out Impact where Robert Roode cuts in front of line to sit on Santa’s lap! Dastardly! Check out WWE's TLC PPV, where nobody knows what the card is!

The whole wrestling scene is maddening right now. It’s probably just that I’m in a foul mood, but, folks, why do we have to search so hard to find tiny little gems buried underneath piles of trash?

Oh, and John Cena, the biggest star in wrestling today, is not advertised for this upcoming PPV. Don’t worry, they’ll tweet it on Sunday, along with other booking decisions that the old man came up with between Jim Ross quips and reporting his latest bowel movements. And, don’t forget, Kane might show up with a new mask! Tweet Kane’s new look! TWEET IT!

That’s it for me. If you say the name “Chris Jericho” and have anything not so nice to say about him, you best watch out. He’s out prowling the Internet, waiting to pounce on people who have a critical view of him. He’s like the wrestling’s version of Santa Claus, with a list of who’s been naughty and who’s been nice. I luv ya Chris! Smooch!

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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