By Shane McKinley, PWTorch absurdity specialist

"You know I gave it all up for the stage
They fill my cup up in the cage
It’s nobody's business but mine when I'm low
To hold yourself up is not a crime here you know"
-"Pay Me" by Tom Waits

Just wanted to let you know that this article is trending on Twitter. Not that I'm desperate or anything, but just wanted to let you know this article is trending on Twitter. I will remind you of that fact every so often, even if I'm not trending on Twitter.

- On the next Impact...James Storm, the country bumpkin vs. Robert Roode, the man who represents Wall Street. Considering all the ill-will towards Wall Street these days, and also considering that Roode as face was apparently a hard sell for some people, brothers...we'll see where they go. And, oh, he's Canadian, which means he's truly evil and wicked.

Is it ill-advised to do rush booking like this? Sure. But, TNA is not known for their payoffs for long-winded angles. Remember that DVD they pushed for the reveal of Immortal? Remember all of the gaping plot holes in that structure? I don't have that type of patience with TNA.

That son of a Bisch keeps getting pushed. What does he offer? His main move is looking like he’s gonna pee himself in fear. James Jameson: he urinates himself. The men fear him and the ladies love him. His daddy is so proud.

By the way..."Bischoff's son pees himself" is trending on Twitter. It's true. I wouldn't lie to you.

Compared to TNA, Beavis and Butt-head are doing combustion theory while TNA is sniffing their fingers.




Of course, we're expecting sense from TNA. Hey, who won a triple threat match at BFG that, according to Mike Tenay, was essentially a #1 contender’s match? Why, that's Crimson. The guy you haven't heard or seen. Guess who's in the #1 contender's match at the last Impact? Who lost said PPV match? Why, Samoa Joe. The "O" in Samoa Joe stands for how many victories he's had in 2011.

You see, TNA goes down these roads. We're driving, taking our time, enjoying the journey. And then they stomp the gas and drive off the cliff into the sea. And, then they'll tell you, "But, we were going to go swimming all along!"

- Are WWE and TNA aware of the Internet and that kids see commercials and web articles advertising THE ROCK AT SURVIVOR SERIES? The whole "Cena teams up with the Rock" announcement on last week's Raw and subsequent "will Rock accept?!" on tonight's Raw feels just about as flat as one of Cena's movies.

Just for kicks, I would like to see Rock show up at the PPV...and flubs every single move to elicit groans from the crowd. Then, WWE would have to gaul to bump the price for a WrestleMania ticket even further.




Dude, just look at Rock. He's got his hands out. You know what he wants. Give Rock your money. Do it today. Please.

- WWE knows that its product is very lame-o right now. And they don't really care. Why, it's scientific fact that ratings drop when Johnny Acehole is on the screen, but who still gobbles up tons of mic time? Johnny Ace. Insanity is defined by doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different response. I guess in Johnny’s case he's just a much needed figure in this plot, sorta of like when Raw was run by a laptop.

If you think about it, here's what we've got to look forward to in the following months before the Royal Rumble.

(1) Second Rock appreciation night of 2011
(2) Rock and Cena getting into a legendary bro-off at Survivor Series
(3) Triple H returns with a bandage on his head and over his heart
(4) Something sad will happen with Daniel Bryan that will cause us to lose hope for humanity and all things in general.
(5) Sheamus and Beaker finally unite!

- There's probably some nice coin available for muscle-bound thugs to gently "urge" Wall Street Occupiers to stop complaining about eating dirt and living in dirt and having nothing but dirt. Brock's looking for a new job again, so I think this would be up his alley. First, he'll play it as he's for the common man, and then BAM! he punches some protestor's head in! USA! USA! USA!




- C.M. Punk is the Best in the World...at getting pinned. He's about as much of a outlaw as me going up to the Carl's Jr. drive-thru and saying, "I want a Outlaw burger and a big chocwalte swake." (True story.)

There are guys who can be pinned given the right circumstances, and then, bros, there are guys who are damn near unpinnable. Like, it takes a sledgehammer to the head to finally best them. "Sorry I broke your heart...and then I broke your head!"

- I'm half-expecting Michael Cole to dress up like Justin Bieber on tonight's Raw? Why? Because Biebs is the King of Twitter or something. How about shooting Cole out of a cannon into Jim Ross? Come on, stop wasting time with this wrestling product and create zany acts for Cole to do!

Why does this Cole-Jim Ross feud exist? It's because they have a two-year plan of Cole feuding with announcers. Lawler, Ross, JBL, Taz, Booker...Yahoo...Olbermann...Brian Williams...Blitzer. "Man! I can't stand the guy! I'll contribute a big part of my career into making dumb jokes about him for my own amusement! Ha ha ha!"

Have a happy Halloween. Unless you're Wolf Blitzer. Michael Cole doesn't love you. Be sad.

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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