By Shane McKinley, PWTorch absurdity specialist

“Dust off and then come back for more
You've gotta reach down, dig deep, and break ground,
Show them all you won't be beaten
Brush it off and then come back for more!”
-“Back For More” by Five Finger Death Punch

I didn’t even last a minute before Cole and Booker announcing nearly forced me to jump out my window. Can we ease into the annoying announcing?

Dolph Ziggler has a match right after the opener. That sure paints heel Ziggler in a sympathetic light. Ziggler wouldn’t do two jobs in a row. Sensible booking still exists in WWE, right?

Evan and Kofi are still holders of the big penny belts they won at the carnival. Aww.

Cole makes fun of Jim Ross’s Twitter followers. Calls them the fat pack.

Meanwhile WWE made this guy Raw G.M.:




“Socially awkward and not so good with the English? He’ll be perfect on the mic!”

Hey, a “If Ziggler Wins We Riot” sign? Really? One’s a future main-eventer. One’s Santino with a video phone. Ziggler retaining the U.S. Championship was the sensible choice.

Poodle-hair Ziggles is angry that he retained the U.S. gold. Poodle hair gets the pornstars, apparently.

Triple H wants C.M. Punk to understand about the immigration issue from last Raw. Punk understands that the immigration bit really sucked. And that Punk will take a loss and Trips’s old friend will show up to cover up for the suckitude. “You’re getting over kid, as long as yer beside me.”

Will Jim Ross get his hands on Michael Cole? Maybe WWE should stop with announcers fighting announcers?

Eve and Beth bonk heads. “Granny Panties” is currently tweeting worldwide. Beth wants Eve to cry cry cry. Eve wants Beth to tap out to an armbar. Hogan says that Eve will never become champion, because she’s a broad, brother. Pretty serviceable Divas match.

Big Show looks like a perverted man who spends his day down at the subway station. Get some snappy threads, big man.

Big Show lays down a thoughtful promo. Like he worked on it all last week behind his McDonald’s dumpster.

HBK vs. Bret Hart. Good ol’ JR holds Shawn looks like the trucker always itching for some road comfort, and Bret looks like a jilted lover who had his heart broke by Shawn. There’s a country song in here.

Sheamus does an ancient Irish battle cry. It goes, “I ain’t had enough to drink.” Sheamus and Christian’s match is apparently so gawdawful boring that Cole talks about Jim Ross tweets and archaic Irish nonsense to keep himself awake.

Christian and Sheamus stall for time. For the PPV and for Sheamus's eventual match with Mark Henry. Lawler says that Christian is very tan. Wow. Hey, can Rock show up earlier? Maybe if we all chip in.

Johnny Ace gets mic time with Awesome Truth. Johnny says he came up with the name “Vengeance." Um, sure. “Hey, Johnny, you turn on the lights in the room! You’re so powerful!” Johnny tells Awesome Truth that they suck up well.

Truth and Miz argue amongst themselves about who sucks more.

Triple H, of course, sucks the most.

Miz and Truth now sound like a couple of annoying 10-year olds. Weren’t these guys criminals? Apparently they’re just a couple of comedy suck-ups.

Miz and Truth whine and complain how much Triple H sucks like little Jimmies. “But, he fought Undertaker!” “Yeah, well, he still is a stinkybutt!” This is the stuff of fans’s nightmares.

Then, Miz and Truth do some fancy bro hug that they practiced for hours. Oh, make it end.

Triple H shows a video probably edited by him. C.M. Punk exits Money In The Bank with the WWE championship…and guess what it turns into? The Triple H as COO angle!

You see, Triple H really sucked as COO. Triple H just couldn’t take it anymore, so he started beating up/firing his employees. There’s the standard wrestling chaos that WWE paints as unique. And Johnny Ace named the PPV Vengeance.

Um, what does this mean? Not sure, but man, does it look cool. Meanwhile Mr. deep voice goes, “Reject your moral standards. Make anarchy and chaos your trademarks. Buy WWE Movies.”

I should able to enjoy this angle, but, unfortunately, I’m not a card-carrying member of the Triple H fan club.

And, this video is still going. Damn, three hours is hard to kill. Remember how great Money in the Bank was? And see what it’s become? See how much damn focus there is in the video just on Trips alone?

I want to hire Miz and Truth to my kid’s birthday party so that they can tell jokes. They’re such harmless, funny heels.

The first-class flyin, private bus ridin', Hunter bag carryin’ C.M. Punk is here. I sure hope the comedy suck-up wins. Maybe Miz and Truth have a new lame dance routine for when they win.

So it’s the jet-flyers vs. the bus riders match. Triple H is still COO. Apparently the Board is cool with him wrestling on PPVs. It’s not like Trips can ever get injured and not be able to perform his job. He’s invincible.

There’s still that mysterious stranger who didn’t want Triple H to run Raw. Perhaps that Raw G.M. laptop?

Cole talks about his immigration issues. The announcers can’t stop talking about the see-through story about Triple H’s immigration issues with Mexico. At times, I’m convinced WWE seriously doesn’t want people over the age of 13 to follow their product.

Why are these guys fighting again?

Father time Kevin Nash just cleaned Trips’ clock. Oh dear Lord.




Miz and Truth get the victory. They proceed to do pattycake. Their victory is already forgotten. Punk vanishes to go play video games with Colt. Big Sexy Kevin Nash beats up on his friend. Am I watching a replay? Seems we’ve done this before.

Kevin Nash is back for vengeance. Trips folds up awkwardly taking that powerbomb. What a massive success that match was. I’m sure the plan wasn’t for a forgettable PPV match to end with not only a groan-induce surprise run-in, but a potential injury to Trips.

Johnny Ace doesn’t have time for World champ Alberto Del Rio. Damn, Johnny Ace is the boss! He doesn’t have time for scrubs for Al.

Johnny Ace doesn’t flub his lines. Bravo. Now if he could get a new voice. It’s his job to relate to the WWE Universe. That’s why with every Johnny Ace action figure, a smartphone will be included.

Hey, it’s John Cena! Oh wait, that’s just a created wax figure with Cena clothes on it.

Up next, Cody Rhodes will teabag Randy Orton. With a vengeance.

Cole says that Kevin Nash is dominating Twitter. I’ll hazard a guess that the majority of the tweets are positive ones, right?

Man, WWE sure loves Twitter. “Awesome Truth” and “Kevin Nash” are trending. Truth? Lies? Who cares. These couldn’t compare to the megaton twitter trend bomb that was “Anal Bleeding."

Randy Orton and Cody Rhodes have the inevitable job of following up a Kevin Nash run-in.

Orton could have lost to one of the baggers. I wonder what goes through Cody’s head when making his villainous faces. Oh snap, Cody Rhodes wants an RKO. Of course he doesn’t get it. Yadda yadda yadda Orton raises his arms, glares, and goes off to watch the World Series in his private bus.

How to make me happy? Show a Rock video package! Order Survivor Series! Too bad you ordered the Johnny Ace named Vengeance.

Cole appeases viewers by telling them only two more matches remain.

Do I need to know that Big Show and Mark Henry are trending worldwide? Why, in the kayfabe sense, is WWE so damn concerned that a match is trending on Twitter? It’s not like they posted that 800,000 people changed the channel when Johnny Ace was announced as the new Raw G.M.

Those old dogs are working hard. Gonna sleep good tonight. Big Show and Mark Henry are having the match of the night. Nice use of big men going on top.

And wouldn’t you know it, Mark Henry and Big Show do the superplex from the top rope and implode the effin' ring.

Sure, Big Show and Brock Lesnar already did it, but man, it made for a nice visual for Mark Henry’s championship reign.

Mark Henry doesn’t need anybody’s help. He’s a staggering fool. Okay, Mark, it’s not like you were shot five times.

Johnny Ace is on the mic. Johnny Ace ensures that the last man standing match, which doesn’t really need a ring, is still on.

I thought there would be something more after the ring imploding, like Mark Henry attacking Show on the cart. Instead, Johnny Ace throws his weight around. The ring just collapsed, but they treated it like part of the roof caved in. Overselling it? You bet.




So, if Big Show and Mark Henry didn’t have the ring implosion, I would still give their match a thumbs up for the effort.

Rise Above Cena Hate, y’all. I’ll give WWE PPVs this: They sure have interesting big-time visuals to them. I wonder why a WWE PPV in cheap 3D hasn't occurred yet.

Now, would Hulk Hogan take four bumps on an uneven ring?

The state of the ring is more interesting than the action between Cena and Alberto Del Rio so far.

Oh, here we go. Alberto Del Rio just foot stomped the steel post into Cena’s chest. Nobody’s written that sentence before.

If the ring didn’t implode, would this PPV be easily missable? You betcha. The ring implosion was WWE’s ace in the hole for this PPV.

Ooh, Rodquirez takes a nut shot on the steel post and rides it like a pony. Give that man an award. And an icebag.

Cena tries to kill Alberto Del Rio with a biggest stage box I’ve seen.

Cena gets buried under four big screen doors. Uh, sure. Time to bring it home, guys. Will Cena be able to lift these screen doors/metal plates? He does! He does! It was like the entire world fell on him!

Cena goes through the big V plasterboard. The strongest, toughest plasterboard on earth.

Now Alberto Del Rio is climbing the giant entrance structure…but he gets pulled down by Cena onto a table. This is a WWE 12 match. Wait… with Miz and Truth blasting Cena. But, Cena gets up. Damn, thought that was the finish Al blasts Cena with the belt. Al wins.

Alberto Del Rio beat John Cena in a wild last man standing match. You see, he's not one of the weakest WWE champions ever.

I thought that the Cena-Alberto Del Rio match went better than expected. But, the mid-card was largely forgettable and the announcing would rather talk lob Jim Ross bombs. “Ha ha he’s real fat!” Who cares?

I liked the opener. The ring implosion was the ace in the hole. And Cena vs. Alberto Del Rio got to be enjoyable. But, there were some real painful moments, where it felt like the WWE product was imploding. Kevin Nash runs-in? Miz and Truth act like 12-year-olds? Cole vs. Ross? Enough already.

Absurd Vengeance Verdict: Very Absurd

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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