By Shane McKinley, PWTorch absurdity specialist

Impact opens.

"What a great PPV that was last night. Boy, Hulkamania running wild still in 2011! Oh yeah, brothers! Oh my gosh, here's Sting! He's so kewl! Just look at him! So kewl! I can't believe that Bischoff's son stood up to his dad! I can't believe we learned that just Sunday night! You'll never know what to expect from TNA! Oh man, Sting's gonna speak! He's gonna speak! Oh yeah! You gotta speak up Sting, the 30 Impact Zoners who showed up are as loud as a 747! Sting says Hogan is back! Hogan, c'mon down! Oh man, just look at Hulk! Just look at him! He's so kewl, too! Damn, nobody's cooler than Sting and Hogan! It's like the mega-powers, but better! Oh, here's Hogan explaining why he went bad! It sounds pretty phony. Know what's not phony? Hulkamania, brothers! Hogan says Sting is great! Sting says Hogan is great! There's just so much greatness! It's great! Oh man! You better call somebody! Dixie Carter is coming out next! And she's gonna open her mouth (!) and words will come out (!!) I gotta hear what this largely non-existent character on TNA television has to say about her getting her company back! I care about that so, so much!"

Commercial Break #1.

"Guess what? The talking hasn't stopped yet! Man, after a long day of work, I want to pop down and hear characters blather on! Yes, give me 30 minutes of Triple H shooting the crap with his best buds! I'm hanging on every word! Ooh, 'Broomstick!' I'm gonna tweet that! Vengeance is gonna be the bestest PPV of all time! Dixie's talking! 'And, Sting, I know you were trying to tell me something in your cryptic ways blah blah blah sorry I couldn't trust you after you were choking me yadda yadda yadda really boring and long story short Sting, help us turn this place around!' Wasn't Sting part of The Network? Who's really the leader of TNA? Dixie? Sting? Jeff Jarrett? Karen Jarrett? Hulk Hogan? Never mind! Sting and Dixie grab hands, and they shoot off to the moon! Now Angle's gonna talk! Oh man, somebody wants to lay down a five-star talking bit! I can't handle this total nonstop talking! I love it!"

Commercial Break #2.

"Angle's here, and he's talking to! This is riveting stuff! I want to hear what he says about his World championship match that got overshadowed by the power of Hulkamania! He calls Roode a loser! Roode comes out and says he's not a loser! Angle says that he screwed Roode's ass! Roode doesn't like his ass being screwed with! 'Sorry about your damn luck!' Oh man, it's James Storm! He's gonna talk too! I hope everybody on the entire TNA roster gets to talk!"

Commercial Break #3.

"We talk all night long, baby! Now Cowboy Storm is talking! Talk on, brother! Oooh, a World championship match with limp Kurt Angle! Guess who's becoming champion? I'm glad I believed in Hogan. I didn't swallow this Robert Roode tripe at all! He's just a big giant stinking loser! I can't believe they're doing an Hulkamania turns face angle! Yes! Yes! Yes! Hey, why does the speaking stage have ropes around it? Somebody take those ropes off!"

Commercial Break #4.

Some immediately forgettable action. They call it "restahling" or something. I'm a junkie for talking!

Commercial Break #5.

"Hold the phone, Jeff Jarrett and Jeff Hardy are gonna do a replay of the same talking skit they did at the PPV! It's nearly exactly the same! Oooh, D'Lo does his head shake! Man, that covers up the banality of this bit! Thanks, D'Lo. Come on, JJ. Spice it up. Go more heel. After these bits I think you give Nero a cookie and a hug.

"Look out, Kurt Angle is now focused on James Storm's ass now!"

What follows a commercial break? Some immediately forgettable restahling featuring Gunny and Abyss! I'm sure following both of their career trajectory! Why am I seeing a backwater house show match on Impact? It's because the talking takes so much out of these world-class athletes that only a very few can do a promo and wrestle later in the night.

Gail Kim comes back and put her boots to Velvet Sky. Johnny Ace sees this and goes, "Hey, isn't she under WWE contract? Nobody tells me anything. I get lots of mic time and I try telling them I really, really stink talking, but they keep giving me lots of mic time!"

Is Samoa Joe confused about the whole winning/losing thing? Like he thinks the goal is to lose matches? He's got a healthy record going in that department.

Yeah, Garrett, slap your daddy in the face, you son of a Bisch! Eric should introduce his long lost daughter randomly, too, and have her win the TNA Knockout Championship! Thanks, Daddy!

TNA has another 90-second World Championship match, but nobody says boo about this one. Kurt Angle's leg is turning three different shades of gangrenous green. James Storm is your new TNA champion.

***

For those miffed about Robert Roode not winning at BFG, you fell for an old restahling trick. To me, James Storm vs. Bobby Boob for the World championship is a more intriguing one, because I'm on Team Storm (boo Team Roode). Changes in writing staff? I like. James Storm as champ? Uh, sure. It was pretty clear Angle was dropping the belt. And, Hogan and Bischoff eating up gobs of time, but now Hogan's face? Give me some of that, bro.

It was understandable that the show after a WrestleMania-esque PPV would feature gobs of talking, and I can't speak for every viewers who tunes into Impact, but I was hoping a random five-minute ladder match would bust out. And, hoping that people skilled with in the art of booking shows could somehow manage a way to shave five minutes off of talking bits. Pretty please. An episode of Hogan's Micro Championship Wrestling had better action.

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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