By Shane McKinley, PWTorch absurdity specialist

“Rise under pressure
We get tired of learning lessons
On the go is how we survive
We don’t know when it’s goodbye”
-“Equals” by Mutemath

-The Mexican Americana angle feels like a computer program that’s going to keep running despite universal ignorance of it. I wouldn’t watch the match if it was free on Facebook. I stay away from wrestling angles that don't bother to work with fans to give fans what they want.

-Austin Aries feels like a secure thing in TNA. We’re pretty sure TNA pays zero attention to Brian Kendrick, who needs a serious gimmick overhaul. It's hard cheering for a space cadet.

-TNA’s WrestleMania, their biggest PPV of the year…and the second segment involves Karen Jarrett, large breasts, and kids running around. Really? A big PPV, and you’re doing a throwaway segment…oh yeah, she’s Karen Jarrett. TNA’s Vickie Guerrero. Right.

-Jerry Lynn largely played a crash test dummy to RVD’s offense. Earning every penny (and I do mean pennies) of taking sick shots to the head. The whole “ECW” chants for a TNA PPV taking place in Philly…that’s getting old. It was a relief when the crowd was chanting “TNA” at one point.

-Not a lot of people were paying attention to the Lynn-RVD feud. For the PPV build-up, viewers were told that “Oh, these friends really hate each other because one’s living in the shadow!” Then, after the match, they shook and hugged like they were doing a fun gig at a independent show. Friends bash ladders into friends’s heads. After the match, RVD took his big bag of money and Lynn got some free Halloween candy. Score!

-Hey, when is Rock Appreciation Night? Or is it Rock Reunion Night? Rock, Please Save Our Asses Night?

-Samoa Joe and Matt Morgan did all of the highlights. Guess who gets the win? Crimson, who did some pansy moves. Your winner, Philly: The Pansy! Love him! No insane move by Crimson to get the Philly crowd on his side. Just a soul-sucking Crimson win because TNA sees something in this guy. And TNA won’t bother to show viewers what that is.

-I really enjoyed that Bully Ray-Mr. Anderson match. Bully Ray talking about raping Philly fans…from people criticizing Mr. Anderson flubbing his dive onto Bully onto the table and for not setting himself on fire while doing a diving senton onto a guardrail. Despite the missed finish, it was one of the few fulfilling matches of the night (#1, of course, was the Hogan-Sting match, as designed).

-Gasp! Jackson James is Bischoff’s son! Taz and Mike Tenay are dumbfounded. You see, they don’t have access to the thing called “The Internet.” But, hey, this skit was a needed set-up for the Hogan-Sting match, the greatest, feel-good match of all time. WWE depressing you? Hulkamania will cure that!

-Madison Rayne’s my favorite wrestler. I want her entrance music as my ringtone, which would be pretty weird. I guess I am a Killer Queen. And that Knockouts match blew stinky chunks. But, hey, Karen Jarrett got her air time.

-Kaz is torn because A.J. Styles and Christopher Daniels want to kill each other and he doesn’t know why.

TNA shows a bumpin’ video package of Styles and Christopher Daniels. Like all best friends, they will eventually murder each other while their children watch.

The Styles-Daniels I Quit match…they tried their best, but there were some flaws with the match they couldn’t overcome. First of all, it’s damn hard to make a “I Quit” match a carryover match. It makes sense for Daniels to play the coward and wuss his way out…only to attack Styles at the end.

What doesn’t make sense was that this needed to be a “I Quit” match in the first place. You would assume a Last Man Standing at the next PPV.

Plus, Daniels telling Styles’s wife, Wendy, and their kids not to watch because he’s gonna end Styles’s life right in the middle of the ring…huh? If you’re gonna go that extreme length of wrestlers talking about killing each other, you better have a strong, CLEAR backstory. This match didn’t have that. Apparently, Daniels is pissed off that TNA put the plate of rice on HIS head instead of Styles’s, and boy, that drives a man to kill. I think that was one of the main flaws with this match. I could have liked it more if I knew exactly why Daniels wanted to kill Styles. Give me something, like Styles owed Daniels money.




-I dug Styles’s Breast Cancer Awareness tights. TNA almost had him going with Hulkamania awareness tights at the last second.

-I wonder why Jeff Jarrett didn’t blast Jeff Hardy for being in jail, for being a criminal, for selling drugs to children, blah blah blah. You have this Hardy situation and you can have a heel nearly go overboard with blasting Jeff. Jarrett’s promo felt a little too tame for me.

-Holy S---! Hogan took bumps! Four! We luv ya Hulkster! Who cares about that Bobby and Angle are breaking their necks doing German Suplexes, you fell down!




Hulkamania is a guilty pleasure. And I enjoyed that Hogan-Sting match. But, ending the biggest PPV on some lame cop-out finish...not the way to go.

Hulk Hogan’s favorite wrestler, Bobby Roode, couldn’t get the job done against Kurt Angle. Which means…not a whole lot. Dixie has control of the company instead of Immortal. And that also means…not a whole lot. Times are a-changin’? Eh, not quite. But, the news of TNA’s creative being shaken up…that will lead people to dip their toe into the water. WWE scaring them off with Johnny Ace helps too.

So, Bobby Roode isn’t the future of TNA, but Hulkamania is. There's no Bobbymania. And there's never be! Muhahahaha!




Absurd Bound For Glory Verdict: In The Middle Of Absurdity

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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