By Shane McKinley, PWTorch absurdity specialist

“Gunshots, the punks are rioting
The stage is slowly crumbling
Smash boards and try to stay alive
A few drinks and a lot of broken lights”
-“This Is Home” by Blink 182

One of my favorite things over the weekend was watching the UFC PPV. Chael Sonnen got all pro wrestling on us and told Anderson Silva that he absolutely sucks and laid out some unique stipulations for their Super Bowl Weekend re-match. That sounds hot.

One of the reasons I'm looking forward to the match is that, well, anticipation can actually build. Good things sometimes take time.

Cena vs. Del Rio is not a good thing. I care about it as much as The Marine 3. Cena vs. Del Rio is one of the least appetizing WWE main events of the year. Having Johnny L announce the match with all of the aplomb and pizzaz of a soggy turd doesn't help matters either. Gee, can I give WWE money now? Let me set up a Paypal button right here in this article.

I do hope Cena gets back the gold at the PPV, so I can point at WWE and go, "Wow. The WWE Title changing hands every two weeks. Ooooh, now that's unique."




Guess who's just too cool? Why, it's Hunter, Cena, Sheamus, and Trips, which captured the great divide in WWE's roster. Plus, the show starting out with Triple H shrugging his shoulders and just saying, "Well, we'll just create it on the fly," felt like a WWE Creative meeting.

My only complaints is that the scrubs who showed up got air time. Why show scrubs? Show the cool dudes playing Gears of War in the middle of the ring. Twitter would melt.

Hey, maybe this "walk-out" angle will get ratings. After all, it's unique. Unique draws. Unique is good. Right...right?

But, part of me hopes that it crashes and burns. I don't care for Crash TV. I'll go with a 3.0 rating for the opening...and a 1.9 for the end. Heeeerrrrre's Johnny! Don't change that channel!

-We're completely numb to Jim Ross being fired. Having Johnny fire him in Ross's home state...sure, go ahead. Why not have Johnny bash the local sports team, too? I think WWE is up to double digits in how many times Ross has been blocked from the booth. He only makes the product better. WWE wouldn't want that, dawg.

-Johnny is a good example of the difference between go-away heat and real heat. WWE doesn't mind go-away heat, because they'll go, "Hey, we can turn these people. You love Mason Ryan! Love him!" The real killer for any performer in the wrestling business is apathy.

-Guess who loves Mason Ryan and his freakish body? WWE. WWE wuvs his juiced-up body so much. And it's hard not to blame him. Ryan looks like three Big 0s put together.

But regular viewers of Zack Ryder's YouTube show know that Dolph Ziggler just murdered one of Zack's broskis! Vengeance must be Ryder's! Ryan vs. Ziggler? Just for kicks, I want to see if Ryan could sell hard and fast for Ziggler's offense, instead of the other way around.

Heck, WWE just went through Ezekiel Jackson's Intercontinental Title reign. "Oh man! He can do three bodyslams in a row! Whoa! Call your momma!"

-Does Cody Rhodes get some quarters for the arcade machines for every cheesy line he utters? "You look...like a double-bagger. Plastic...or...Paper?"

-So let me get this straight:

Vince's reign sucked (reference: C.M. Punk)
Triple H's reign sucked (reference: nearly everybody)
And Johnny Laurinaitis's reign will suck. How groovy.

It's easy to hate Johnny L. But, I wish he actually gave something to the role. To me, he's nothing more than a cork in the hole, a finger in the dike, Monday's Mistake, The Thing That Should Not Be Heard, The Ace that's not so ace.

Remember when William Regal was Raw General Manager? Turning off the lights during main events and all that? Not all that bad, sunshine. How long did that last? About as long as a episode of anal bleeding.




-The Divas division has one goal in life. And that is to become the most embarrassing thing on Monday Night. Good grief, I don't know what's worse, the acting or the wrestling.

-There's some boring comfort with the Mark Henry-Big Show feud. It's boring because I think of the '90s when I see these two gargantuans in the ring. But, there's comfort as well because this is a old-school feud without walk-outs or other nonsense floating around. No b.s., just smart execution (well, for the most part).

-Couldn't there be some way where fans didn't find out that Hogan and Bischoff had signed a new TNA deal? To at least make that Sting-Hogan somewhat appetizing? Sometimes, Internet, you ruin things for me. Next you'll tell me that neither Sting nor Hogan will take any bumps.

Maybe the reason why nobody gave a crap about Hogan's retirement speech is by the sheer number of fake retirements he had already. "I'm retiring from wrestling, but not from promoting lame wrestling video games and organizations. I gots to make the moolah, brothers."

-Back to Raw. Good to know that dangerous criminals like Miz and R-Truth sang that controversial hit, "You Suck," while going to the ring. I'm so offended. Are these guys thugs or clowns?




Punk and Trips will form forces as the new DX to face off against the twerpy Mizzy and Truth. As of right now that match is the only highlight of this Vengeance PPV, which is coming out in...two weeks? Maybe tomorrow? Did it already happen?

So, by the end of Raw, you added up bad wrestling, bad booking, bad storyline reveals, and overall just a bad show. What would you get? Superbad. Let's shove aside talking about the PPV. That's a wounded duck with one wing and looking to die. The real issue is what the hell is going on with Raw. Vinnie Mac comes out and goes, "Johnny Laurinaitis is your new Raw G.M.!" Gee, he sure is the right man for the job when he makes Cena vs. Alberto Del Rio sound about as much fun as jumping in a polluted lake.

"Shhhhhh. This is all supposed to lead to something. And what that something is...we don't know. But it's gonna be sweet. Of course we have a plan in place. Really, we do. Seriously. And hey, Rock's coming soon! You like Rock, don't cha? Yeah. Hey, where you going? Come back!"

Raw's Absurd Verdict: A Huge Stinking Pile Of Absurdity (NUKE)

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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