By Shane McKinley, PWTorch absurdity specialist

Out of all of the Hell in the Cell matches I’ve watched, this was the first time I actually laughed at one of them.

Hell in the Cell matches were known for being perverse bloodbaths. Now they are funny little jokes. They went from, “Wow, they did that!” to “Wow, they did that.”

You see, the absurdity of it all’s favorite announcer, Booker T, was mistakenly talking about a count-out in a HIAC match. When corrected, Booker meekly said, “My bad.” That made me chuckle. Some announcers get scared of making mistakes. Not Book.

In WWE world, TV is more important than PPV. I remember on the last Smackdown, David Otunga and company were pumping up Monday's Raw...and Sunday’s PPV was just a minor occurrence. But, oh ho, Monday! Monday is when it’s going down.

When this “lawsuit” angle was first brought up, I rolled my eyes and thought, “Just another excuse for Triple H to get more screen time.” The lawsuit storyline felt rushed and it’s somewhat confusing. Who can make matches? Who is this VP of Talent Relations Johnny and how can he wield such a big stick? Why doesn’t Trips just fire his ass, instead of trusting him to take care of things? Why does Trips make Cody Rhodes defend the Intercontinental Title three times in seven days while doing nothing about Mark Henry crippling people?

When Michael Cole rants about there being a “double-standard,” I agree with him. And, personally, I would like to see a storyline where Triple H gets taken down. The anti-Hunter group (I guess you can call them the Prey) are heels led by Mr. Suck Johnny L.

You have Triple H punching handcuffed men. I can definitely swallow the angle that Triple H has let power gone to his head, that “anarchy rules,” and that he’s just not the right person for the job.

-Cena has his hands full with Alberto Del Rio. Your guess is as good as mine with what they’ll do with C.M. Punk. Most likely join Hunter as a face against the anti-Hunter group.

-Dolph Ziggler will become a World champion one day. It’s pretty much a given. Cody Rhodes is solid, if somewhat cheesy. Ted DiBiase has disappeared.

-Say, if guys like John Cena and Randy Orton become 17-time World champions, I’ll still remember Ric Flair as THE MAN. PPVs coming fast and furious every three weeks and championships being defended nearly on every show...that’s not fair.

These rapid-fire title changes (especially the WWE Title) are making my head swim, because why should fans care who becomes champion when there’s a title match the next night? Personally, I would want to see WWE not have ANY championship matches on television for the next three weeks. That’s not going to happen, for the same reason why TNA has five-minute ladder matches.

-Synopsis of the Sin Cara match: The announcers spent the entire time amusing themselves over how to call these copycats. Sin Cara 1 & 2. Then, it was Sin Cara Blue & Black. Then, Sin Cara Negro. Unfortunately, the match ended before Cole could look up more names on his smartphone. It was a sad state of affairs and a black mark on WWE PPVs for 2011.

That Sin Cara match reminded me of WWF in 1995. Not pretty times. Some largely bad lucha libre action here. Book asked what good Sin Cara defeating bad Sin Cara actually means. “It means there is only one Sin Cara.” WWE should have had a Highlander finish. Finishes just need to be random crazy events to distract people from the stinky wrestling and rushed PPV hype.

-I dig that “camera behind the back” view when Mark Henry comes out on-stage. From my experience, no other wrestling company has matched the production values of the WWE, and it’s something ROH can definitely take notice of. (Of course, money comes into play.)

A Mark Henry push is all about planning and execution. Henry got to deliver on his part, and for the most part I can accept the notion that he’s a bad, bad man. We can argue who has had the better feuds: Randy Orton or John Cena.

-John Morrison has a new look and a new way to get buried. There's something to be said when they don’t even let the heel, wrestling in Guuci shoes, cheat to beat you. Damn if that white IC Title belt doesn’t look cool.

-That Divas match was like a snuff film: lots of screaming and crying. I felt dirty watching it, like I was going to get caught. They revamped the tag division and made it relevant again. I don’t know how much they can do with the Diva division.

-The question out of the HIAC PPV is if the gimmick needs to stay. Well, obviously it needs to stay so that WWE Superstars can talk about going to hell and all of the hellish barbarity and other phrases no one believes in anymore.

Up to the finish of the main event, you could have had argued that both of the two matches didn’t really need to take place inside a chamber...or cell...whatever, same thing (thanks, Book).

Even the “John Cena gets locked out” bit could have taken place with a regular ol' cage match.

But, man, the finish. The Miz and R-Truth getting arrested? The entire locker room trying to break in and enter the cage? Truth punching out cameramen? It made for a striking visual.

I rather enjoy the idea of reality star Miz getting handcuffed and doing time. Grading the finish? On one hand, it was a cool visual finish. It sure beat lame "Cena wins again! Good night everybody" crud. And, I like the push it gave to Miz and Truth. But, the finish seemed to cover up a rather bland PPV. And that you spent $45-55 for.

That’s a mark WWE PPVs want to hit: the finish must be buzzworthy.

Be it C.M. Punk leaving Money In The Bank with the gold.

Or Kevin Nash showing up at Summerslam and Al cashing in.

Or Mark Henry winning the World championship at Night of Champions.

Or Truth getting hit with a water bottle by a fan and Cena pinning him at Capitol Punishment. (Ok, maybe not that one.)

Or everybody running in for the Trips-Punk match (not that one either).

That’s it for me. I’ll finish this article a la Hell in the Cell style:




OH NO COPS HAVE INVADED MY APARTMENT WHO UNLOCKED THE DOOR TRIPLE H IS PUNCHING ME IN THE SKULL AS I TYPE




RANDOM CRAZY THINGS ARE HAPPENING IT’S ANARCHY BEDLAM MADNESS BOOM BLAM BIZZ




WHAT IS HAPPENING UFC PPVS DON’T END LIKE THIS

Absurd Hell In The Cell Verdict: Very Absurd

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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