By Shane McKinley, PWTorch absurdity specialist

There’s been something nagging me about the Hell in the Cell hype. Not so much the plain fact that WWE...

(1) definitely needs more than two weeks to hype a PPV after both top titles just changed hands.

(2) definitely need to do more than just offer some tame copycat of TNA's Lockdown.

(3) definitely need to do more than hype three matches. And the women's match doesn't count. "Will Kelly Squared run the ropes better than Hugh Jackman? Pay to find out!"

The big thing about the Hell in the Cell hype was that they billed it as “John Cena Goes To Hell”....just like that Jason movie!




If John Cena is going to hell, that must mean he'll visit somebody... (http://youtu.be/C9obJH5mCUw)



Swell.

I'm guessing the next PPV tagline will be, "John Goes To Heaven! The feel good hit of the year!"

C.M. Punk will come out and go, "Yeah, yeah, he's (air quotes) really dead. What kind of crap do you people accept? Oh well. I'm getting paid and laid."

And Alberto Del Rio will go, "No soy apenas llenador del tiempo hasta roca aparezco! I am not just a time filler until Rock shows up!"

Even if WWE using naughty words like “ass” and "wrestling" more commonly these days, you’re pretty much guaranteed not to see a speck of blood at the PPV. Hey, Dandy Randy and Cody Rhodes spill buckets of blood on Smackdown? Sounds legendary. Guess what? You won’t see a drop. You shoulda gone to see that Smackdown show live. Pretty please.

It’s understandable why the no-blood policy is in effect, but given the rather disappointing buyrates for Summerfest, maybe it’s time to bring back the red stuff. What happens if somebody bleeds from their anus at the PPV? Will it get stapled shut? (I think I just gave ROH's Jay Briscoe a very bad idea...)

We know Mark Henry is facing off against Randy Orton, but what’s the Raw Main Event? “John Cena and...um, C.M. Punk...camera shot of Johnny Laurinaitis texting...trailing off...zzz.”

The reason why I’m harping on WWE for their shoddy PPV build-up is to take my mind off their shoddy product. Heck, the real joy for me right now is seeing Dolph Ziggler drop some sick promos on Zack Ryder’s YouTube show.

I could only tell you three things that are hot on WWE television right now:

(1) Mark Henry
(2) Zack Ryder vs. Dolph Ziggler
(3) Anal Bleeding

If you want to look at things from a negative perspective…

(1) Couldn't Mark Henry pulled this off years ago?

(2) Zack Ryder one day will become as forgotten as Santino, and Dolph will get a job as a fluffer
"WWE Tampons For Men! Sponsored by John Cena."

(3) I'm not going there.

Mr. Money in The Bank, who won the largest Royal Rumble in history, held the title for three weeks until he dropped it. Sweet. I find myself more concerned about the status of Alberto Del Rio’s ring announcer. Poor guy.

Plus Mizzy and Truthy will show up and ruin things at the PPV. They might form a group. A legendary group of thugs that shook up the business. Those guys were called...Nexus.

Or, they could bring back NWO. Heck, do both. The Nexus World Order and sell those shirts.

Did you know that Shawn Michael was part of the NWO? It’s true. The killer of Bambi and The Lion King was part of NWO for like a day back years ago. And it wasn’t the first jumping of the shark of the black and white gang.

-- Now might be the time to jump on over to the TNA product. Apparently they’re gonna show Bound For Glory in movie theaters in high-definition 3D. Some of the TNA roster will be there moonlighting to fill your popcorn and take your tickets.

Nothing wrong with going to a movie theater to see a wrasslin PPV, even though they kinda did that back with WrestleMania 2 (presented in Wonderovision) and things like automobiles, air conditioning, and penicillin weren’t invented yet.

Is it somewhat sad that they’re going with Hulk vs. Sting to drum up interest in the product? Yes sir. But one of the benefits of that match is that everybody, and I do mean everybody and me, are squatting down and pissing on that match. So, when the match finishes and no hips are broken, applause will pour down upon Sting and Hogan. Fans will go, “Ya know, it wasn’t as bad as I thought it was gonna be."

-- We don’t know what’s going on with WWE these days. They went from C.M. Punk leaving Money in the Bank...to Johnny Laurinaitis wheezing on the mic. They went from pipebombs to windbags.

And all of this mystery/lawsuit is to bring back Vince McMahon.

Because Vince will face off against Triple H.

Because everybody loves Triple H.

And everybody loves Vince.

And everybody loves anal bleeding jokes. Get well, Jerry Lawler. Now we know why it's called the Hall of Pain.

Oopsy. I made Vinnie mad by having the gall to write him name aloud. 10 Hail Marys and forgive me, Vinnie, for I have sinned.

-- Elsewhere, Vince was making out with Stacy Keibler long before Clooney showed up. Vince swept Stacy off her feet with “I think I blew my O-ring!” and romance ensued.




-- How can any of WWE’s written lawsuits compare to their real-life lawsuits? To immediately grab your attention, I just have to write the word STEROI…

Oopsy. I can’t write the “S” word. Gets WWE people nervous.




It’s just some more arm curls, Little Jimmy, that’s the ticket. Now go to the gas station and get me some WWE tampons and Trips's new movie.

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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