By Shane McKinley, PWTorch absurdity specialist

Absurd Quick Hits on Raw

-The most interesting thing on Raw Monday night was not Triple H live at the Apollo. It was Zack Ryder pinning the United States Champion Dolph Ziggler once again. You think Ryder would have gotten over without social media? "Nah, man, let me get over wrestling on Superstars."

-That Hugh Jackman bit last week is a standout example of how to use celebrities in the right manner. That being said, I was a little bit surprised how gaga WWE went for the Muppets hosting.

-David Otunga forming a lawsuit against WWE is about as exciting as studying law. First, WWE has Kevin Nash run in, then there's this conspiracy that Miz and Truth speak of (even the refs are in it!), and now WWE has this lawsuit? Surrreee.

-I sometimes wonder if WWE remembers when creating their genius storylines to think, "Hey, why should fans care about this?" Somebody saw the 1980 flick "Brubaker" and went, "WWE needs a lawsuit angle! And Otunga needs something to do!" I'm guessing McGillicutty is busy scrubbing toilets.

-John Cena goes to hell this sunday. Hell is a place where you don't bleed. At least, not externally. No, the only place you bleed according to WWE is in your anus. Har har.

I swear they spend time each week finding another dumb phrase to trend on Twitter.

-Nowadays, "extreme" is a chair shot to the back. That triple threat of Cena-Punk-Alberto Del Rio makes me want another round of Cena vs. Punk. The best they could do with two weeks is have Cena cut a cute promo and Al fight for the honor of his ring announcer getting blasted. Yay.

-So, that's it, ladies and gentlemen. Hell in a Cell. It's just a bigger cage, really. No barbwire or dead bodies strewn anywhere. Yup, WWE just lowered down a big chicken cage down. Fear the chicken cage. $55, please.

-They didn't push a DVD this week. Maybe because they knew it would be too greedy of them? Perhaps?

-You know that if WWE goes back to the blood & guts routine, it will cause a big fervor amongst fans, even though it's just blood.

-According to Triple H's penalty scale, WWE fined the guys who didn't properly set up the table to break for the Mark Henry-Jerry Lawler bit last week $250,000.

If you say Vince McMahon's name aloud, that will cost ya $500,000.

-That opening segment sure reminded me of how seemingly every Raw and Smackdown features championship matches.

-Mason Ryan doesn't look like a million bucks; he looks like the bank account of all of the world's trust fund managers. Yeah, he still sucks at the wrasslin, but damn, look at his deltoids!

-I did experience "Raw Supershow" overload. I thought there was a bit too much of Smackdown Superstars.

-What do Smackdown Superstars usually see:




That's it for me. Put your orthopedic shoes on, Sting and Hogan gonna get it awnnn!

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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