By Shane McKinley, PWTorch absurdity specialist

I hate making predictions for PPV matches, because it makes me look like a dummy when I can’t correctly predict all of the winners and scenarios for all of their matches. It makes me lose credibility when I can’t picture that WWE would go with that sordid Trips-Punk booking mess. So I learned to never, ever make predictions again. I hate looking dumb in front of y'all. I'm supposed to be this grand master poobah of wrestling and never be wrong.

-Miz and Truth believe there’s a conspiracy against them. Miz should rather be concerned about the conspiracy that he was born without an ass. Seriously, it’s flat like a pancake.

-Air Boom sure vanished out of sight when Awesome Truth was bullying that ref. Also, case in point, a ref should probably never, ever deck a WWE Superstar.

-WWE’s big on headbutting these days. You expect guys like Mark Henry to do them, but Miz, Randy Orton, and Cody Rhodes are getting in on the headbutt action.

-Cody Rhodes vs. Ted DiBiase featured some of the most blatant burying of a PPV opponent on the announcing side. Geez, he’s challenging for the title; there has to be at least something good about them. I felt sorry for Ted. According to the announcers, Teddy just doesn’t have enough of a mean streak. Ted sucks. No dawg, he got some fire, but he still sucks big.

-I liked Christian’s “One More Match” chant going on. Hey, they could have just hobbled together this Christian-Sheamus feud with a testicle joke. How many relatives does the character of Sheamus have?

-I'm not sure what the point was of the Ziggler match, other than to slowly continue the “Ziggler-Swagger aren’t best buddies” feud. Four-way matches can be a art form, but this wasn’t one of them. Alex Riley looks at times real bad in the ring. Glad my man Ziggy retained, but for a PPV match, it felt lacking somewhat.

-Strongest moment of the night (and really, the only decision that caused me joy of ordering this sucker) was seeing Mark Henry become World Champion. It feels like a new Mark Henry, not the one bending frying pans to imitate Matt Hardy back in ECW. His promo was the best moment of the night for me. I would say that the Mark Henry Era lasts longer than the Hell in the Cell PPV.

One of my favorite moves in the match was when Henry stood on Orton. At first he held the ropes, so fans thought, “Well, he’s not really hurting Orton.” Then, Henry let go of the ropes and viewers went, “Damn, Orton’s got 400 pounds of sexual chocolate on him.”

But, if Mark Henry wasn’t impressing people with his push, and if his push wasn’t handled properly, people would be complaining big time that Mark Henry became champion. “Oh, they just gave the belt to him because he’s been with them since the '90s.” There’s actual interest in seeing where they take it.

-Does Kelly have a finishing move? Is it a cartwheel? The stinkface? Spanking her butt? It doesn’t matter much to me if Kelly kept champion FOR-EV-ER. Heck, they can make her the female John Cena.

-A video package promotes how important the WWE Title is. Then, the WWE Title match starts off with Cena and Del Rio passing around the mic and doing goofy comedy. Why sure, Cena. Go ahead and announce yourself.

Lesson learned from this PPV: Alberto Del Rio might be dangerous and uber-talented, but he’s still chumpsauce to the mighty Cena. I couldn’t believe Cena won. Some would say it’s because of ratings, or because WWE’s got something up their sleeve, or that Cena needed to look strong...I don’t care about any of that.

I want a strong opponent for Cena because I want a strong feud. Del Rio losing in his first PPV title defense cleanly...why should I be excited about their probable Hell in the Cell re-match? Hell, I’m already checking out mentally and waiting for Rock-Cena at Survivor Series. If Al apparently isn’t a credible enough Cena opponent, who is?

-Why do I get the sense that WWE considers the town of Buffalo to be full of nothing but fat, ugly people living in a dump? “Oh ho ho it’s just Micheal Cole saying those things!” Sure.

At one point, Cole said that Cena was a 12-time champion. Then after Cena won, it was announced he became a 10-time champion. Whatever. At this point, you wonder where they are going to go from here.

Thank goodness Micheal Cole’s throat apparently exploded, leaving the main event free from his rantings.

-I thought the Trips-Punk match...was a letdown. WWE created a situation for fans to come up with great ideas of what could happen...and then WWE threw a curveball to groans, then Kevin Nash came out to create excitement...then WWE delivered a “sensible” finish.

But, it makes no sense why if Miz wanted Trips to lose so badly, he just didn’t drop Trips again instead of arguing with the ref.

Or, why Truth broke up Punk’s pin attempt on Trips.

Or, if the Johnny Laurinaitis vs. Triple H war is a much-needed crucial set-up you need to be a part of.

Or why pissed-off ex-WWE employee Kevin Nash, on his way to powerbomb Trips, unpissedly and very nicely put the TVs that belonged to the announce table safely on the ground. Thanks, big man. Don't rip out those televisions, they belong to your buddy, Trips.

Or why having Cena and Trips still top dogs in 2011 just drives fans to television sets to check out the freshness that Monday Night Raw gives off. "They're doing the same thing! You gotta check it out!"

The only saving grace for me in this mess was Punk kicking out of the Pedigree. That’s huge. Plus his ice cream shirt is kinda rad, too. Of course, Punk could have a shirt saying, “WWE Still Sucks But I Give Them Money,” and people would be rocking that.

But, at the end of it all, you just got the same ol' same ol' John Cena as WWE champ, with no real competition in sight. Same ol' Trips pinning Punk, with fans going, “Well, at least Punk look good in a match with a guy who hadn’t been in the ring in six months and is almost 50-years-old.” WWE is a long, long way from the ending of Money In The Bank. What WWE has here is...nonsense.

Of course, if Punk pinned Trips cleanly, there would be second-guessing of that decision as well (Punk is not WWE family like Trips is). It felt like a hot booking mess, and I didn’t really enjoy following it.

So, what to look forward to on Monday night? Well, who is Johnny L going to text next? Will Awesome Truth get fined? Will Mark Henry destroy more people? Will John Cena...do the same John Cena thing? And that’s really about it. Gee.

Didn’t Punk mention something about the business being dead within 30 years if things didn’t change?

Can't one of you guys give me some money? Please?

Absurd Night Of Champions Verdict: Very Absurd

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

[Torch art credit Grant Gould (c) PWTorch.com]

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