By Shane McKinley, PWTorch absurdity specialist

Night of Champions is going to rob you. How can a PPV that feature champions not feature the bestest champion of them all, Zack Ryder, the Internet Champion? Even Trish Stratus knows who she is. When Stratus was last seen, she was pumping the “Yoga Glove.” Might as well been selling the Power Glove, darling. Although I’ve heard WWE '12 requires that to play.

On with the absurd predictions...

Intercontinental champion Cody Rhodes vs. Ted DiBiase for the IC Title

Somewhere, somehow, Ted DiBiase became the slave of Cody Rhodes. DiBiase turned on Rhodes and became face on a Smackdown you probably didn’t catch. DiBiase’s career has been in a fog, while Cody gets to live out his role of playing a comic book villain on Friday nights.

Smackdown’s mid-card is a changin’. Ezekiel Jackson got dropped, they’re trying to salvage the Jinder Mahal experiment, and Daniel Bryan is seeing double Sin Caras, one a lame face and the other a cool heel (those three amigos should be in a triple threat match). Plus we got this boob hanging around.




But, hey, at least they’re pushing wuvable and hugable Sheamus! He’s a walking plush toy!

Cody Rhodes just beat Randy Orton champion. Something will smell foul if DiBiase, not exactly setting the world on fire, picks up the win. Go with Mr. Nasal.

Absurd Prediction: Cody Rhodes retains

U.S. champion Dolph Ziggler vs. John Morrison vs. Alex Riley vs. Jack Swagger in a fatal four-way match for the U.S. Title

I’m a Zack Ryder hipster. I was watching that show before The Big O and Dolph Ziggler were trying to get over with their bits. There's a former world champion, a former world beer pong champion, a mope that creeps people the hell out, and a cheerleader turned porn star.

There’s nothing wrong with Alex Riley, as long as he never, ever speaks again. The Ziggler-Swagger storyline has been driven in like a railroad spike, so expect to see the fabulous Vickie out there. I’ll say that JoMo wins here (Ziggler and Swagger will blame each other for losing), because A-Ry is too green.

Absurd Prediction: JoMo wins

WWE tag champions Air Boom (Kofi Kingston & Evan Bourne) vs. Awesome Truth (The Miz & R-Truth) for the WWE Tag Titles

WWE cares about tag teams so much that they have cute names. WWE could have a lot more interesting TV with Awesome Truth winning the gold.

Absurd Prediction: Awesome Truth wins

Divas champion Kelly Kelly vs. Beth Phoenix for the Divas Title

Much love to the female grapplers. Much, much love. But...



The Kharma Countdown is on...

Absurd Prediction: Beth Phoenix wins

World Hvt. champion Randy Orton vs. Mark Henry for the World Hvt. Title

The fear of failure can be a powerful motivator. It’s not just losing the game that hurts; it’s the shame of losing. Mark Henry’s character has a real intrigue to it. He’s half Clubber Lang and half Albert Haynesworth.

I’ll go with Randy Orton retaining. The reason being is because Henry vs. Orton II at Hell in the Cell can work very well if Henry is the one chasing.

Heels either go on the offense or defense. Alberto Del Rio, for example, is playing defense. Henry doesn’t run away, he charges forward. To me, the more interesting television would be an even more dangerous and amplified Mark Henry. He knows time is running out, and this could be his last shot at the championship. He messed up at Night of Champions, and he’ll be damned if he be forever remembered as a failure.

The strength of Orton vs. Christian was their sublime matches, despite their feud running a bit too long. The strength of Orton vs. Henry has been the great build-up of the unstoppable monster Henry, with a convincing back-story.

Mark Henry is a heel who has crippled other babyfaces and yet I find myself cheering for him, because I don’t want his career to be remembered for the guy bested by Matt Hardy.

Plus, it’s rare to have a champion face a guy who’s so determined to win the championship. I think you can get some good mileage out of Mark Henry’s character in “messing up” at Night of Champions and becoming even more of a monster, because fear of failure is what drives him to succeed.

What if Orton and Henry decided to go the “insider route” a la Trips and Punk:

Orton: (waves prosthetic hand) Hey Sexual Chocolate, remember this?

Henry: Shad up, you purse pooper!

Absurd Prediction: Randy Orton retains

Alberto Del Rio vs. John Cena

Alberto Del Rio was on the Mexican national team in Greco-Roman wrestling. He won a medal in the Pan American Games. He’s a dangerous grappler. He took out Edge and Rey Mysterio. He’s richer, funnier, and just plain better than John Cena. I can write these statements about Rio’s character and it can come off as believable.

But Al’s just no match for Cena and his Tattoo and Travelocity references.

But, because of Visa issues, Rio was off a week of television. So does that explain why Rio has played the chicken-s—t coward in this feud? I don’t think so. Perhaps I’m wrong, but I’m thinking WWE was going to go this way. Most fans hate the prospect of seeing guys just become easy dominoes to the mighty John Cena (by the way, Rio is the WWE champion).

There could be something meaty in the future for the Cena-Rio program (especially if they get back to Al being a true challenge for Cena), but as it stands right now, it’s the same lame Cena garbage viewers have grown oh so accustomed to. The saving grace is that Alberto Del Rio will retain. At least the match won’t end with the dreaded water bottle attack.

Some would say with the recent news of Rock teaming up with Cena at Survivor Series is that WWE is getting greedy. “You should save Rock for WrestleMania, you dopes!” And, hey, maybe they should. This move is definitely a gamble. But, I like it. And, to give the match some oompf, here’s an absurd idea: Team Cena vs. Team Del Rio. Whichever team wins, the captain of that team wins the WWE championship: Either Cena or Del Rio.

Heck, I don’t expect to see much from Rock from the in-ring standpoint. I expect plenty of the “strange bedfellows” angle with Rock and Cena. I also expect to see a definite moment in the match to piss either guy off to add more fuel to the fire for their Mania match.

And, you can’t front and say that you’re not excited about seeing Rock back in action. WWE’s hoping that you’ll buy Survivor Series, WrestleMania (Hey, Rock wins the WWE championship!) and Extreme Rules (Hey, Rock lost the WWE championship back to Cena!).

Absurd Prediction: Alberto Del Rio Retains

Triple H vs. C.M. Punk in a No DQ match; if Hunter loses, he's fired as COO.

Even though he’s a babyface COO, how much you want to bet that Trips will book this match to be last? I’m sure WWE honchos are still debating whether or not this match should go last. Is this match more important than championships?

You’re going to get the 1-2 combo here: you’ll get a good or great match with Trips vs. Punk, and then you’ll get the storyline whopper. The Del Rio-Cena program isn’t going to keep Raw above a 2.7 rating.

So, what storyline would be of the most interest to people? Let’s run them down, with how Paul would sell it to Phil:

-C.M. Punk beats Triple H, teams with Kevin Nash: “We’ll have you and Kev joke about being the new X-Men with Hugh Jackman the next night. There’s nothing wrong with a hip, young badass rebel teaming up with an outdated dinosaur.”

-C.M. Punk pins Triple H cleanly, no interference: “Ha ha ha. Good one, man.”

-Triple H pins C.M. Punk cleanly, no interference: “We haven’t used up all of our insider buzzwords from our list yet in the promos.”

-Triple H, with the help of Kevin Nash, beats C.M. Punk and becomes heel: “Hey, this isn’t UFC. We’re actually entertaining. And look at our colorful characters!”




-C.M. Punk pins Triple H, with help from Chyna: “Punk-Chyna vs. Trips-Steph inside a Hell in the Cell! And you know working with Chyna will only get you over."

-The heel turn by Triple H will be a drastic turn. Sure, Kevin Nash could run in again and Triple H can have that dumbfounded “huh what’s going on I have seriously no idea“ look on his face he perfected in his movies. But that’s twice as lame as the Nash texted himself reveal.

The insider lingo promos have to die. This feud needs to hurry up and get to where it’s going. And, there is a severe need for a big storyline development.

I don’t really know whether or not Triple H will turn heel or face. But, my money’s on Triple H winning, because COO Triple H does have a lot of storyline potential (especially if he’s heel).

C.M. Punk winning...well, then we just have a regular ol’ wrasslin feud, with face Trips vs. heel Punk. Their feud, without the insider lingo and references, has been the barest of bare.

Absurd Prediction: Triple H wins

-- Here’s hoping for a Bully Ray-Jeff Hardy feud over in TNA. A.J. Styles is pissed royally at Jeff: “Your actions at Victory Road took money from my family. Food out of my babies's mouths. I couldn’t afford the Gears of War 3 Season Pass, you prick!”

TNA is taking control over the controversy surrounding hiring Jeff back by openly discussing on their programming. Of course, they could have forced him to attend rehab before bringing him back (that was before he was found guilty), but, hey, it's TNA.

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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