Shane McKinley, PWTorch absurdity specialist

“I'm the last man on earth
So tell me what it's worth
Am I a beggar or a king?
Got no trouble, got no time, eternity is mine
I got a whole lot of everything”
-“Last Man On Earth” by Alice Cooper

(Minutes before their face-off...)

“You ready to do this, Phil?”

“I was born ready, Paul. By the way, I wanted to ask you something: when you were humping Kane’s dead girlfriend in that necrophilia angle, did you think that maybe perhaps that was a bad idea?"

“No, not really. These common folk can relate to having sex with a fake dead corpse while their father-in-law looks on."

“Well at least you and Daddy Vince will have that treasured memory. Him yelling 'Harder! HARDER!' at you inside that funeral home. Magical."

Congrats, guys. The last segment in the last Raw before your big PPV match, and the first half of your go-home promo consists of you guys babbling on and on about insider drivel. Oooh C.M. Punk’s career didn’t take off after Survivor Series 2006. And it was all WWE’s fault because I’m a mindless C.M. Punk fanboy and I’ve been holding this grudge for five frickin’ years. C’mon now.




Yes, Phil, you were probably held back at some points, but as Paul said, you weren’t completely buried either. It’s common to feel misused or underutilized at your job. Trips jobbed to a dated Ultimate Warrior at WrestleMania. Stone Cold got fired from WCW. And so forth.

Samoa Joe is one of my favorites, but imagine if TNA did a Joe-Jeff Jarrett angle similar to this Punk-Trips angle. Joe would be complaining about how TNA couldn’t capitalize on Joe after Joe-Angle at Lockdown 2008, and I would go, “But you really let yourself go, Tubby. And you couldn’t see that your former mentor Nash waited six months to stab you in the back? Geesh.”

Punk says that Triple H is not listening. The audience is trying to stop listening to Michael Cole. Hey, at the start of the year, I dug the Colemine and all of that jazz, but Cole constantly trying to start things up with that Okie Jim Ross is annoying.

So WWE’s doing a great job of making Triple H (you know, Paul) look like the good guy here, while making C.M. Punk (Phil) look like a world class douchebag, incessantly whining and crying. Triple H looks like a good guy for saying that sometimes he makes mistakes, that you can be a WWE champion and not be a seven-foot-tall bodybuilder (but it sure doesn’t hurt if you are) and that it’s all about winning over with the fans. Seriously, how could the hardcore fans hate Trips now? Please forgive me, Trips. I was trying to get over by writing mean things about you, but truly, you are the King of Kings, benevolent and wise.

That final promo between the two consisted of two parts: The “business” section and the “personal” section. The first half of the promo was something I never want to see on television again. This feud separates itself from the usual WWE fluff by its insider vibe. It’s the “hook” of the angle. And they have run it into the ground. I feel I’ve explored every personal backstage politics story regarding C.M. Punk, and frankly I’m tired of it.

So, once Triple H reverted to the “personal” side of the feud (“you called my wife Mrs. Stinkyhands, you son-of-a-bitch”), I breathed a sign of relief. I was sure they were going to bring up the time that Triple H dressed like a wookie for his Mania match with Cena and C.M. Punk dared to laugh at the absurd sight.

Either Trips or Punk getting a clean win is seemingly out of the question for various reasons, so somebody’s going to get their hands dirty. Personally I'd like to see the end of the PPV featuring Trips yelling, “Ya were right all along, Punk! We bury little people like you for our own amusement! Hahahaha!” Another option would be for Punk to turn back heel...with Nash? I have no idea where they are going with this feud. Many would argue that ever since Summerslam, C.M. Punk has been de-pushed. I don’t agree with that notion. I feel that no matter what road WWE takes with this Punk-Trips feud, Punk will still be a heavy player.

Some would say that C.M. Punk’s heelish tendencies (popping Trips in the head with a mic and blasting Steph) is to set up a swerve for the heel return of Triple H, and ultimately, a heel COO against the "Internet darling" makes more sense and is thankfully simpler to digest. If Punk turns heel...can’t see where they can go with that. There’s no real future in a Nash-Triple H feud, and I don’t think WWE fans can take another month of this “running around in circles” thing Trips and Punk have got going on. I’ll put my money on Trips getting his heel on and Punk eating a loss, then facing Kevin Nash at the next PPV. But who knows.

It’s just really hard to figure out where this booking will lead to, because the storyline isn’t a typical wrestling storyline. You’ve got two faces facing each other and the reason why I should care is because...Punk called Trips some bad names? And because Punk feels there’s a conspiracy against him? Yes, this storyline is flimsy and it’s got some holes in it (the Nash texting himself reveal was a dud), but I’m still curious for what payoff WWE has.

This feud is so real that it's no longer Triple H vs. C.M. Punk...it's Phil vs. Paul! Oh yeah! Doesn't that sound better? I hope Rock and Cena get all insider on us, like how Rock is saving WWE's ass by showing up at Survivor Series & WrestleMania and how John Cena...wait, it's useless to mock John Cena.

-You can’t hate John Cena. Because he works hard and he’s over with the fans. So, even if it seems like he is WWE’s protected golden boy and no matter if he has lame promos and soul-sucking matches, you still can’t hate him. And if you hate him, he’ll use your angry words and re-tweet them for his followers. He’ll take your criticism and turn it into haterade to fuel his power-lifting. Jerk & Clean! Jerk & Clean! You can’t mock Cena for talking about old characters from shows that aired 30 years ago. I give up. You win, Cena.

-I’ll say that Alberto Del Rio will retain the WWE Title at the PPV, but barely. It makes no sense to push back down a guy who can be a credible opponent to Cena (to R-Truth, Miz, and Wade Barrett, sorry). And the next PPV featuring Hell in the Cell matches naturally slots in coward Al getting his comeuppance from a pissed off Cena. A guy who won the Royal Rumble and Money in the Bank shouldn’t lose his first PPV title defense.

I would be shocked if Alberto Del Rio doesn’t destroy Edge in the next Smackdown airing from Canada. Wah wah Mr. My-spine-is-shrinking.

-Hugh Jackman is hosting the Raw Supershow next week. I hope he’s the broski of the week. His next movie features him as a trainer to a rock-and-sock robot. That’s what WWE movies are missing: WWE Superstars as robots. D’oh. (http://youtu.be/BFutWATCPg0)



-So, Miz went from a tag team to being the winner in the main event of WrestleMania to...being in a tag team. At least he ain’t fighting food franchises.

I bet to an alpha male like Mizzy this situation pisses him off (is Miz gonna vie for Vickie Guerrero’s affection next?), but sometimes you gotta make the best of what life hands you.

-If Miz and Truth win the tag team gold (I don’t see why not), they would be the first tag team of this year that I actually like. Sorry, Mexican American. You’re the worst characters of 2011. Not only does your outdated, 1970s, cheap-heat gimmick not work, but your matches haven't been good either.

-Bobby Boob, your next TNA World Champion? Sure. You figure TNA will just have James Storm blast ol’ Bobby with a beer bottle before that ever happens, but it could happen. It’s weird. A lot of fans don’t wonder about how his first championship reign would be handled (and boy, just look at the home runs TNA has hit with their World Championship reigns this year), or if Bobby Boob is really considered World championship material. They just want him to become champion. I say sure. And let’s make Austin Aries World champ too. Hell, anything, just save us from this Sting-Hogan circus you guys got going on.

-I get confused whether or not Kurt Angle has more of: World championship reigns or DWI/DUI arrests. Somebody should tell Kurt that you don’t get a medal for having the most ever.




-TNA says you should give Jeff Hardy another chance. Why? This time he has a daughter. So, buy the Jeff Hardy DVD TNA is promoting. I wonder if Jeff didn’t have a daughter. What would the tagline be then? How would they tug at your heartstrings to buy the DVD? Send in your answers.

-Ever wonder if David Otunga’s friends snicker at him because a Harvard educated man can’t figure out a way to best grandpa Jerry? Otunga probably apologized profusely to Jerry for that Idaho potato he gave him (ooh, I used a insider term).

-Why Randy Orton has decided to look like long lost brother of LeBron James I dunno.




Speaking of Orton, he’ll try not to enter Mark Henry’s hall of pain. Who’s gonna win at the PPV? After a 15-year trek, Henry will win...but he’ll lose it on the next Raw to Orton. Take that, Christian!

-Those arguing against Raw Supershows have to take into account that Cody Rhodes’s career was elevated by beating the World champion on Monday night (of course, the follow-through is everything). Smackdown might be the #1 show on Syfy on Friday nights (The #2 show is “Stargate Demon Monkeys Invade Manhattan”), but it has lost its luster this year. Could it be the announcing? Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww nah man. The announcing set up is just dandy.

Raw's Absurd Verdict: Very Absurd

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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