By Shane McKinley, PWTorch absurdity specialist

“You can't take my dignity
You can't take my pride
I've got my integrity
You just crossed the line
No one's even heard of me
Well I'm not gonna cry
I don't want your 'pology
And I don't want the job”
-“The Job” by Hawk Nelson

C.M. Punk knows that Kevin Nash played “Super Shredder” in that Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie. Frankly, my childhood was just fine without knowing Big Sexy Cool Daddy didn’t play a part in that classic.

And, really, you’re gonna hammer a guy for playing Super Shredder? I’m surprised Kevin Nash hasn’t blasted C.M. Punk for playing with G.I. Joe Dolls. I know trying to conduct a promo about Kevin Nash is hard without getting all insider (since the only thing interesting about Nash these days was his work in movies and his WCW backstage politics), but it felt a bit...small by C.M. Punk.




As I remembered, Super Shredder didn’t do a whole lot of movin'. He just stood there being tall and kicking midgets in the head. Not much has changed.

But, congratulate the man. Nahs basically texted himself into a WWE lucrative contract in these tough times. It’s not about sending resumes and job interviews; you just gotta get a hold of the boss’s cell phone and text yourself. It’s how I got my job here at the Torch.

So, Kevin Nash getting “fired” by Trips frankly means jack squat, but at least they tidied up that little WWE mystery. You know that the “Who’s the mysterious Raw G.M.?” mystery is bugging you, like a splinter in your mind, driving you mad.

But, somebody explain to me how Smackdown G.M. Theodore Long has the power to book matches like Raw’s improtu main event. Maybe because Triple H was chilling backstage. And not wrestling every week a la C.M. Punk. I’m sure that’s fair.

Trips-Punk’s PPV match is a “No-DQ, COO Title At Stake, For All The Marbles, Super-Duper Rushed Big Time Event For The Fate Of The World” type of match. You could tie your brain into a ball of knots trying to come up with what’s gonna happen at the PPV. Is Nash in cahoots with Trips? Will Nash and Johnny Laurinaitis unleash their evil scheme to bring back the NWO to evilly sell NWO t-shirts that are collecting dust in a Connecticut warehouse?

The only thing I truly care about in this Punk-Trips-Nash squabble is how C.M. Punk’s career looks after the show. Punk is the focal point for me in this whole mess. Trips and Nash's trust issues were background noise to me last month. Apparently to Nash he made WWE “cool” again. No, you’re mistaking that with the world “old.”

As much as I would like to see Nash and Trips laughing like the couple of jackass heels that they truly are at the PPV, I think fans are probably going to see Nash interfering and Punk getting a dirty win. Lately, Triple H’s role as COO has barely been present, other than him wearing a suit (COO Triple H has been nonexistent in the Cena-Del Rio feud).

I’m glad that when Nash shows up at the Trips-Punk match, there remains a healthy question of who Nash is going to stick. It’s important for any wrestling company to have storylines that have payoffs fans want to be a part of.

That “Oh yeah, Staples Center sent me some hidden footage/audio/whatever from their secret pervert cameras of Nash texting himself from my phone” reveal by Trips was one of the lamest storyline reveals pretty much of all time. I guess it would bother WWE too much to show some “secret” black-and-white footage of Nash strolling into Trips’s office? Hell, WWE could create the shot at the arena that day. Visuals always work stronger than just a wrestler going, “Yeah, well, I found out the big secret, and here it is. So, uh, there."

-Raw Ratings Receiver Randy Orton looks to be a constant on Monday Nights. At least viewers will be treated to good competition for Orton to face...




Yeah...... It was a Randy Orton Squash Match. So now people can complain about Orton and Cena winning all of the time on the same night.

Plus, Randy Orton and Health Slater...not exactly two historically classy guys towards women.

-Is “Air Boom” now renamed “Squeaky Fart?” And did “Super Shredder” and the incredible tag team champions called Squeaky Fart trend worldwide on Twitter? Sure. You see, sometimes really stupid things can get a whole lot of attention and feed somebody’s insatiable ego. It’s what Matt Hardy tried to do.

Evan Bourne and Kofi Kingston look like a couple of squeaky farts. Miz and Truth are real men. When the time comes, they can imitate a duck, fools.

Jinder Mahal must be a master of camouflage, because he was invisible on Raw. I’m surprised Drew McIntyre is still employed by WWE. These guys are just but a Black Friday away.

-Dear WWE,

Do not talk about fantasy football the week before Monday Night Football pretty much obliterates you in the ratings (unless that Miz-Truth squeaky fart segment got a 6.4).

From,
The Absurdity Team

-A sizable push for Zack Ryder, the goof with a goofy YouTube show. Sure, Ryder teaming up with a Grandpa to fight dum-dums is baby steps, but at least Ryder was on Raw. And the little slugger even won his match! Woo!

-Alberto Del Rio is “protecting” John Cena. It’s accepted nowadays that it takes at least three guys for me to honestly say, “Cena will lose,” so apparently Del Rio can clone himself into a small army of Als. Here’s hoping Alberto breaks some fan’s arm or something to that effect soon. And somebody get Cena up to speed on current television shows. Let’s compare:

We have Cena’s “Tattoo From Fantasy Island,” “cats throwing up while having sex,” and “worse than the Shockmaster."




Now compare those zingers to Rock’s “Fruity Pebble” and “Wonder Woman Transvite” quips. The winner? You had to ask?

I have to give negative points to Cena's promo, though. There was no heel at the end of it going, "Cena, always with the jokes. I will revert to being good now due to the overwhelming laughter coming from the audience."

Cena made fun of the Rock tonight: “Who wears sunglasses indoors?” Well, people who suffer from photophobia. And blind people. And really cool wrestlers. Cena is not one of them, unfortunately.




That’s it for me. Here’s a question for you to answer: Does Hulk Hogan, who’s on TNA television, watch TNA?

Raw's Absurd Verdict: In The Middle Of Absurdity

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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