By Shane McKinley, PWTorch absurdity specialist

“Ohhh, I’m about to go Andre the Giant
You a sell out, but I ain’t buying”
-“I’m On One” by Lil Wayne & DJ Kalheld

-- For the foreseeable future, it appears WWE is going with Smackdown suds on Raw in these Raw mega-shows. Ratings sinking under 3.0 and Monday Night Football looming will do that to you.

-- Better stuff from Nash this week, as he looks more comfortable. But, the Vanilla Giant’s video on the tron looks like it was crafted literally on the fly.

This Punk-Nash-Trips storyline has swerved a bit. It’s a bit insane to have the COO put himself in a match with Punk. And, the focus is more on “Who can Triple H trust” than what Punk is whining and bitching about. With storylines like these you just have to be patient for the eventual payoff, but you wonder who’s getting over: Triple H or C.M. Punk.

Geesh, Trips. Nash only lied to you about being in a car crash to pull you out of the building and because WWE wanted to take a shot of Matt Hardy. Can’t you see the humor?

Nash is really concerned about two things: Making cash and protecting Stephanie’s ass. How dare Punk insult the billion dollar princess. Like, really concerned. Like Nash wants to get down with Stephanie. Grab a ticket, you big lug.

Trips and Nash share their precious whittle feelings. C.M. Punk throws up. A lot. I must admit, Kevin Nash and Trips sharing their feelings all male soap opera-ish makes me queasy too.

Punk has this joke: “The Kliq is back! Kliq is also the sound people make when they change the channel when Kevin Nash is on!” I don’t know what you’re talking about Punk. These days, I either fast-forward through it either on my DVR or on the YouTube player.

Punk harping on the Trips-Nash-Steph conspiracy is somewhat getting old. Imagine if you kept reading a critic just blasting Triple H every week. Soon you would go, “Come on, dude. Talk about something else.” Of course, if Punk didn’t harp about Trips, Punk knows he would have to pick a fight with the spokesperson of Coke. Calling Trips a cross-dresser can only do wonders for your career.

-- Dolph Ziggler fighting the World Champion Randy Orton on Raw certainly does more for Ziggy than fighting Jack Swagger for Momma Vickie’s love.

Of course, this pops in my head whenever I see a Smackdown Superstar:



Awwwww toobie woobie beep beep, Book.

-- It only took WWE a good year to find out that people would rather focus on the action and storylines than focus on Micheal Cole being a jackass. I hope, I pray, that the monster Cole has inside him has subsided and he’s just the plain white bread we all love.

Dolph Ziggler may be a real life pornstar, but he should work on his tan near his backside. Yeah, I spent the whole match looking at Zig’s backside.

There was a point in the match when Randy Orton “unrealistically” put Dolph Ziggler in position for the DDT from the ropes. Performers want to perform their trademark moves in their matches to get the crowd going, but sometimes it just looks silly. Kofi Kingston performing the “boom drop” motion with an injured shoulder makes him look like a dummy. Cena would do the five moves of doom even if his limbs were torn off.

That said, the advantages of the RKO (and the mark of a great finisher) is that you can add variations to it.

-- For once, I would like to see John Cena just break down and cry in the ring from all of the booing he gets in the ring. Just once.

-- Super Smackdown is coming to you live! See C.M. Punk, the guy who’s the best in the world, fight...The Great Khali, who’s...the tallest in the world! If you don’t watch the show, you’ll make Trips cry. Seriously. He’s blubbering all ready.

Mark Henry wants to introduce John Cena into the hall of pain. Cena nods his heads as if he’s been following Henry’s actions on Smackdown intently. Of course, every present and past WWE Superstar watches Raw and Smackdown. One of my favorite Raven Tweets in responding if he was the mysterious Raw G.M.: "Yes. What's a mysterious Raw G.M.?"

If you don’t know that Super Smackdown is tonight, there’s something wrong with you, as WWE couldn’t shut up about it. It's on Fox! Whoops, that's gonna be UFC pretty soon.




I did get a kick out of Cena jawing with Christian on Raw. The brand split isn’t really an issue to be pushing anymore, so Smackdown Superstars getting their shine on in the Raw timeslot can be seen as a good thing.

Awwwww, here comes the Great White Sheamus. The tag team of Cena and Sheamus will over-power you with their whiteness. One’s promos usually talks about poo, while the other one talks about old Irish stories. Oh snap! They’re the hit of any party!

-- Ref Charles “Little Naitch” Robinson is back talking to that windbag Johnny L. In a related story, Ric Flair just sued Charlie for gimmick infringement. Bad luck, Charlie. You just had to look like him.




-- Miz says that he was speaking his mind ever before C.M. Punk. Well, Miz, you’re weren’t talking about Trips and Steph’s stinky acts in the bedroom, so no one paid attention. All you did was make fun of Cena, which everybody does to get over.

During that Punk vs. Miz match, there was 10 minutes of action, with probably ten moves called (if you don't count Lawler's sound effects of "oof" and "wow"). After all, you’re watching a male soap opera.

-- Do you honestly really care who sent Nash the text? Is it really a big deal that C.M. Punk lost the title when WWE title matches are on nearly every week?




Truth runs in and attacks Punk because getting over Punk is the hip thing to do these days.

“Wait, somebody already did the work for me, and I just have to show up? I’m there, bro.”

Nash kliqs his way to the ring and powerbombs the little pipebomb.

-- Meanwhile, Air Boom faces the “most boring tag team in the WWE.” Lawler buries Otunga and McSillyPutty in order to get these bouncers over. The back of Lawler’s t-shirt says, “King Me.” Uh, no thanks, turbo.

-- A classy piano tune provides the backdrop of an Alex Riley vid. Awww. You see, folks, Alex Riley’s brain-damaged, so that’s why he talks about death dumping.

-- Main event of Team Whitebread defeats the Canadian and the Texan. Sheamus is well on his way to becoming just so adorable. Triple H should put him in his purse and take him shopping.




-- Raw then runs a lengthy trailer for the “Inside Out” movie, which analysts are predicting will be the crown jewel of Walmart’s DVD section. I’m hoping this will be the last WWE movie...ever. If you didn’t catch Triple H in a goofy comedy (WWE Movie Storyline #1), you can see him as an ex-con/cop in a serious action drama (WWE Movie Storyline #2).

-- Reason for the abrupt 180 turn from Nash vs. Punk to now Triple H vs. Punk? Maybe because Triple H’s knees don’t kliq as much as Nash’s. That wasn’t a pipebomb, more like stating the obvious. Just watching Nash walk down the ramp made me fearful of walking to the fridge. We’re still waiting where they are going with this feud. Hopefully it’s somewhere important.

-- That’s it for me. I just got sued by Ric Flair for inflammatory comments. Flair suin’ everybodah!

Raw's Absurd Verdict: In The Middle Of Absurdity

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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