By Shane McKinley, PWTorch absurdity specialist

“Lotta money when I talk
Big mills, big deals
‘Bout a hundred in a vault
Sit still, that real
Lotta haters throw salt, they lost”
-“Drug Test” by The Game

When I heard the news of The Rock teaming up with The Bruckheimer to create an '80s wrestling drama, for some reason, my brain pulled this memory out.

It’s “That '70s Show” starring Rock as his father Rocky Johnson. And Matt Hardy fights Jeff Hardy sans car crashes, ghosts, girlfriend tasing, and other acts of normal behavior.



As any TV executive will tell you, a show built on nostalgia is a safe bet. The show will apparently explore when the sport went from burping beer bums to WWF Superstars. According to one smarky critic's feelings on the show: “So yeah, it’ll be like Mad Men, except instead of business suits and dignity, there will grown men in tights, feathered hair, and face paint.” (You’re right, there is dignity in rampant misogyny. Hey, girl, why dontcha come sit on my lap? It’s dignified!)




Mad Men works because it is both classy & trashy. Rock & Bruck can pump the classiness of the golden age of wrestling, but I wonder if the show will have a shot of a wrestler asking another dude to put a needle in his butt. You’re not going to see the dirt and the grime of the business a la “Any Given Sunday” or that short-lived “Playmakers” show (once again, football’s on my brain).

And best part of it is, most of TNA’s highest paid stars can play themselves on show. If I’m Ric Flair, I’m calling up Rocky baby and cooing in his ear.

I’m interested in the show if it ever comes out. The death of "Macho Man" Randy Savage brought back memories for a lot of people of that era. Speaking about Savage, I love it when Punk does that elbow tribute to him.

-I also love me some Austin Aries (and Aries loves him some Aries), but I also dig actual competition for him, not just weaklings thrown to the fire due to realistic time constraints. “We hire the best in the world! Watch as they get beat in under a minute!”




-From the glory days of the past to the scary days of the present. Matt Hardy’s plain freaking me out right now, and I have known a lot of strange cats in my time. His break downs on social media remind a lot of people of Charlie Sheen’s infamous media tours, claiming that he has tiger blood running through his veins. Huh-uh. We don’t know what’s running through Matt’s veins these days, but there’s definite concern for his well-being, which is odd, because Jeff was the one we were always on guard to hear the worst news possible.

Don’t worry, Matt, I’m not drinking the haterade of those criticizing your recent actions. I’m high on Mattitude. But I do believe you have the #1 scariest mug shot of all time, even ahead of Nick Nolte’s. Maybe you should look at your mugshot to get back on track. (Just type in "Matt Hardy" in Google and "Matt Hardy Mug Shoot" should appear. Be warned, though.)




Jeff Hardy's absence from TNA was a positive thing. Not just for Jeff, but for us as well. You see, he’s been safe from TNA booking. Beware their powers, children. They’ll make you punch yourself and turn on your own grandmother for the hell of it. People should use that reasoning for when they have to go to court: “Your Honor, I committed those crimes because of TNA booking. Now I will punch myself and feud with that elderly man over there while quacking like a duck." TNA booking should be unleashed on evil doers all over the world. Impact scripts will fall from the sky while Eric Young reads the script. Terrorists go, “What? Mr. Anderson turns AGAIN for the ninth time? Aiieeee.” And then, their heads explode from the absurdity of it all.

Seriously, TNA should start selling their unholy creative efforts on the arms market for the highest bidder. You could use it to scare prisoners right or to drive people insane. You could use Impact scripts as torture devices or as peace keepers.

And that’s how TNA finally makes real money. That or they can go with Joe vs. Angle again, but heh heh, why would you want to go with that money maker again? Double J’s got it goin' on right now, boy! Hooo weeeee!

-On the subject of whether I want to see Mick Foley or Roddy Piper, I would like to see both in a skit where Roddy Piper pigs out on bread & toast (seriously, Piper can’t shut up about bread and toast lately) and Mick Foley promotes another book he churned out while on the red-eye in coach (the one I'll buy without even thinking about it).

-Is Kevin Nash going to get music when he walks down the ramp? What should Nash's theme song be? Here's a absurd suggestion...



That's it for me. In that "Drug Test" song The Game raps about being strapped with so many TNA scripts, he's like a walking armory, fool.

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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