By Shane McKinley, PWTorch specialist

“Knowin there is nothing you can do about it
Zeroin on the target like a marksman
The target is you
I shut your lane down
Took your spot, parked in it too
Watchin it flow, lighter fluid, saliva what can you do
Go get your crew to hype you up stand behind you like whoooo!”
-“Cinderella Man” by Eminem

WWE Raw might have gone old-school, but it sure couldn’t compete with old-school Michael Vick scoring touchdowns in a record-setting football game. Sorry, George Stelle, but I’ve seen your green tongue before, and I’m sure I’ll see it again down the road. What else about old-school WWE? “Damn.” 2x4. Mae Young. Sgt. Slaughter. We’ve seen this before. What else happened during this infomercial for WWE’s “Old-School” merchandise?

None of us really saw Miz and R-Truth in this Cena-Barrett-Orton saga. This whole saga has been somewhat muddled and confusing. We can understand keeping Mr. Money in the Bank in the spotlight, but the possibility of heel R-Truth joining Nexus? Eh.

I don’t know how they’ll maneuver the potential Miz vs. Orton feud (if Miz cashes in his title at SS). I’m at a lost in how Barrett-Orton plays out. The notion that Cena will be “fired” has been laughable. So Barrett as World champion? It’s not unbelievable.

WWE’s still rolling out “Knucklehead” adverts. Be sure to pick up the movie at Walmart when you’re buying your Cheetos and toilet paper in bulk.

WWE sure likes this money-making tactic of only announcing three matches for the PPV card. But can you blame them? WWE has to create 90 hours of television every week. No wonder why recent WWE PPVs have all been sponsored by Paper Jamz. What is Paper Jamz? Not even WWE knows what Paper Jamz are, but because they spelled it “Jamz,” it sounds “hip” and “youthful,” so they went with it.

It was a bit surprising how many WWE Legends those fellas managed to bring up. Definitely the appeal of the night was to see who would come out next. And a WWE program had words like “sluts” and “damn” on air. Holy moly. I think we need a dirty word or two on Raw once in a while. Throw in Jim Ross to call a match, too, since he’s on the payroll.

I swear, when Howard Finkel was introducing “one of the greatest stars to ever step in the ring,” I thought Gillberg was going to come out as a dirty inside joke. Have you read Triple H’s latest interview? Goldberg’s chances of being at WrestleMania ain’t looking so hot.




Shouldn’t we call Raw Rawdown? Monday Night Smackdown? RawSmack? It’s nearly the same cast of characters.

The Usos didn’t look ready for prime-time. MVP apparently been impressing management, as it looks like he’s the next burrito to get eaten by the Alberto Del Rio monster.

Why I still remember the fact that Tamina has a crush on Santino I don’t know.

If you only speak English and you find yourself bored when ADR starts speaking Spanish, just keep in mind that non-minorities are becoming the minority race. I wonder how Michael Cole will react.

Jim Ross ain’t old-school, dammit! Finally, I can listen to Raw again without my ears bleeding! Shut your Cole hole. Jack Swagger apparently just woke up from a nap, and he’s here to face Daniel Bryan.

Where’s this “Mute Cole” on my TV remote?

I know WWE doesn’t care about older fans, but a WWE announcer shouldn’t be snoozing during the broadcast. If “fans” are bored, we do more than snooze. We fast-forward it, we check out blackberries, we flip the channel, or we update our Facebook page. We check out Monday Night Football or we’ll watch TNA. Would it make any sense for Cole to sigh and exclaim, “This tag team match is sooooooo boring! I’m going to TNAWrestling.com and check out some Motor City Machineguns action!” No. That doesn’t make any gosh darn sense, and over-the-top Cole doesn’t either. We get what WWE is trying to achieve with this edgy Cole character, but it still comes off as a dork that’s doing only what his master tells him. It's not like hearing Cole rant and rant about Daniel Bryan will ever, ever, ever get old.

And, also, I don’t get why a WWE announcer gets his character over while two guys in the ring are busting tail to get THEIR characters over and depending on a WWE announcer (like a Jim Ross) to push them and help them. I don’t purchase WWE PPVs to listen to Michael Cole (blasphemy!). Trainwreck Cole is fine and dandy for NXT (it’s the only reason why people watch NXT), but I don’t get why Vince okays the over-the-top Cole crud on WWE's flagship show.

I mean, you have me praying for a Heidenreich appearance. I’m a desperate man. And desperate men...do desperate things. Save us Heidenreich! Only you can instill fear in Michael Cole!




Jim Ross gets shunted off. Like a true cowboy, he swats Cole in the head with his cowboy hat and leaves to the sound of cheers.

Ted DiBiase, the million-dollar man who’s wearing a $15 “Old-School” WWE t-shirt, beats up Daniel Bryan, for being a smelly loser.

My bad, there’s a random Survivor Series match at the PPV. Plus, Sheamus vs. JoMo and I’m guessing the hot Santino/Kozlov tandem in a tag title match.

Mae Young video package: she’s the horniest 90-year-old you ever known. Awwww.

WrestleMania ad: I give thanks for these. You’ve replaced those patronizing “Stand Up for WWE” packages. "Wooo! Wrestlemania! Yeah! Woo! Buy your tickets now! Your life means nothing unless you’ve got Mania tickets! I’ve sold my own children for these tickets!" I hate to find out what WWE thought was too "extreme" during the selection of fan reaction shots.

WrestleMania 27 is a strange beast, though. Potentially no Undertaker. No Michaels. At this moment, the main draws are Cena, Orton, Justin Bieber, and Gillberg. Hmm.

I wonder if Ezekiel Jackson knows any other moves that “colliding with the other dude” and his finisher. Did Zeus have any other moves than no-selling chair shots and choking Hogan?

Husky Harris: “Waddya mean I gotta act? Holy nutsack, I’m in trouble.”

Smackdown plug: Edge has kidnapped Kane’s father Paul Bearer. If this storyline follows any good Kane storyline, Bearer will be found massacred and fed to Edge’s dogs.

Wade “Mushface” Barrett succeeded where Sheamus failed. Sheamus’s character seems too cartoony at times.

It was nice that WWE gave lots of love to the WWE legends. Quite a formidable line-up and the notion of “Old-School Raw” wasn’t a total let-down.

Those “Old-School” T-shirts: “Look at how old I am, everybody!” Although, if somebody wants to get me that Survivor Series t-shirt, drop me an email.

TNA’s going old-school, too. They just do it on every Impact.




Oh my, Roddy Piper’s laying some gold in the ring.

Eagles 51, Redskins 21. 6:15 in the 3rd Quarter. Oh my.

Cena and Piper, killin’ it in the ring. Piper sells the PPV. Heck, the way things have been going lately, Piper should be selling all of WWE's PPVs. “Ya just gotta buy WrestleMania! Freakin’ Gillberg, man!”




No, Cena. Don’t put on the Nexus shirt on. Think of the sales, John! You’ve got a DVD coming out! Think about us! Think about our money! No, John! No!

All in all, Raw sold you on one PPV match: Barrett vs. Orton with Cena as the guest ref. That Piper Pit’s really nailed it. John “I’ve Lost The Ability To Speak” Morrison vs. Sheamus? Good enough. The thrown-together Survivor Series match-up...I’m sure Smackdown will go to greater length, but I’ve had my fill of WWE four-ways, six-packs, and eight-brahs elimination-style matches. Coming off “Bragging Rights” doesn’t do the match any favors. Santino/Kozlov might become tag team champions of the comedy world and defeat opponents with one-liners.

Raw's Absurd Verdict: In The Middle Of Absurdity

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

We suggest these recent related articles...

ABSURDITY OF IT ALL - Raw: HBK To Crossbow Lesnar On Sunday, WWE Asks Paul Bearer's Ashes To Sell Mania, Punk & Triple H's Post-Mania Plans, Cash Cow Cena = Bieber?

ABSURDITY OF IT ALL - State of WM29 Card: Rock & Cena To Sing About Buffalo Nipples To Get Heat, What Heyman Should Have Stipulated To Hunter, Punk To Relieve Himself In Urn To Get Heat

ABSURDITY OF IT ALL - Raw & TNA: Using The Recently-Dead For Storylines, Bully Ray King Of Da World, Swagger To Be Sold To N. Korea Post-WM29, And Raw Gets A Flat