By Shane McKinley, PWTorch specialist

I often wonder if Raw should promote itself as the drug that‘s extremely hardcore. The Cause: I watched tonight’s Raw. The Effect: They found me later in a Wal-Mart gutter, clad in Hulk Hogan gear and out of my mind. This “clips show” (dontcha ya dare call it a wrestling show) was baffling and downright insane at times.

-Here comes Bret Hart to bark at us how marvelous it is Raw has lasted this long with some of the most gahawful content on television: “Why, guess how long the Bubonic plague lasted! We’ve lasted longer! Things that last a long time must mean they don't suck!” The mysterious G.M. laptop informs us that it’s a stroke victim vs. the former vegetative-state victim tonight. Me thinks this mysterious G.M. angle has ran its course...about three weeks ago. I wonder when Michael Cole, who discovered his evil side this year, will comment, “Hey! It seems like WWE is just padding out this stupid mystery!” It’s only fair.

-At least the writers weren’t too sloshed to focus on the Kane-Undertaker and the Miz-Bryan feuds. But the rest of the show...guh. It turns out that the WWE writers were held in a Chinese prison for some unidentifiable offense and they hurriedly wrote the show on a piece of toilet paper when they weren‘t getting tortured...I kid! I love China! Smooch!

-I missed those realistic camera shots of those Twix girls wearing those Twix shirts sitting in the front row. You know why? Because winners eat Twix. Winners like Randy Couture, who punked out James Toney at UFC 118.

We’ve seen wrestlers become MMA fighters, but what if a truly kayfabe wrestler entered the Octagon?

- Mike Goldberg: And here he comes. The WWE champion, Sheamus. Look at him. He’s taunting the crowd!
- Joe Rogan: Look at that stupid wrestler. This is MMA. This is the real deal, not like that fake wrestling crap.
- Goldberg: (Bro, cool it with the anti-wrestling stuff. We’re not Strikeforce)...And now...Sheamus is refusing to enter the cage! The crowd is booing him!
Rogan: Now Sheamus is entering with a steel chair! This has gotten out of hand!
- Goldberg: Couture kicks away the chair. And now it’s on! Wait...Sheamus is trying to ... Irish whip Couture into the corner?
- Rogan: Couture is just standing there while Sheamus is pulling on his arm...Oh! Sheamus just poked Couture in the eyes. Now Sheamus is running...and bouncing off the cage?
- Goldberg: What is wrong with him? Ooh, Sheamus lands a flying kick to the head!
- Rogan: Now Sheamus is just...standing there and looking into the camera while his face intensely twitches.

A minute later...

- Goldberg: Yes, folks, he’s still staring into the camera and making facial expressions. Guess he won’t move until somebody tells him what to do.
- Rogan: What is he doing? He should be hugging Couture on the mat for three minutes!
- Goldberg: Yeah! That’s what the UFC is all about! Smothering a dude with your crotch until you get the victory!
- Rogan: Oh no! Here comes the Nexus! Run! Run everybody!




-Those Syfy Smackdown commercials are pretty snazzy. Raw could use some zero gravity wrestling. Raw: We entertain by turning the lights on and off. Are you not entertained? They're on! They're off! We can do this all night! Yay!

-Lay-Cool are annoying. Not “ha ha that’s cool” type of annoying. More like “Oh, please spontaneously combust this second” type of annoying. You could find the value in Jillian’s or Vickie Guerro’s screeching. Not so much with Lay-Cool‘s “Mean Girls“ routine. I keep wishing that a gigantic piano would fall on their heads and crush the cookie-cutter belts of theirs.

-Jericho does his Wolverine “Best in the world at what I do” line (hey, he can, because Jericho‘s a Canuck). Apparently Y2J is going to go to recharge his batteries. Maybe he’s tired of being a jobber? Maybe it’s a devious plan to make Vince want him more? Nah. Most likely Y2J’s just tired of the monotony of WWE life. I can’t blame him. I’m pretty sure Jericho’s done the exact same promo lately over and over but just with different superfluous words.

So Y2J might be heading out, but one sports-entertainer who is already out is Serena. Apparently she got canned because she wasn’t straight-edge outside the ring. That doesn’t make a lot of sense. I mean, you know what’s an anomaly? “Wrestlers” and “not drinking.” Unless Serena was leading evil pagan parties and drinking goat blood, it seems a bit trite.

- “Linda McMahon, what do you have to say about wrestlers dying prematurely?”
- “We’re not responsible for grown men. It is tragic that some of them are dying before they reach their 40s."
- “You mean 30s."
- “Right."

TAG TEAM #1 CONTENDER’S BOOKING - A look

WWE: A big fake schmozfest that accomplished nothing, but hey, the champions come out to a remix of Bret Hart’s music, and that makes you cheer.

TNA: Some guys on the roster who were shoved into Fortune won some #1’s contender’s match you didn’t see on some show that’s harder to find than Osama Bin Laden. That’s a Jeopardy $1,000 question right there: “The team that is facing the Motor City Machineguns this Sunday.”

-For a guy who’s not actively wrestling at the moment, I’m sure seeing a lot of Triple H when I watch Raw. The sensible answer would be because Trips is coming back soon and they have to re-introduce him. The nonsensical answer would be because, well, he’s Triple H and he came down from Mount Olympus.

-Nexus is no longer a credible threat with the injury of monster Skip Sheffield. Nexus is now the equivalent of a small tyke wearing a white sheet over his head and saying, “Boo.” I no longer believe in the idea that everybody in the WWE Universe should be scared spitless because of them. Yes, WWE had Nexus “defeat” Undertaker (with a extremely-confusing lights on/lights off segment), but seeing is believing. Unless they get some new folks into Nexus, the angle is going to fall just as flat with people as Wade Barrett’s “Wasteland” (not really a effective finishing move).

I think what has people upset the most about the lights on/lights off segment is that it followed the Bret-Taker “bait and switch.” It’s understandable that it’s nearly impossible to believe that Nexus would beat up Undertaker all by themselves, but it was a muddled mess.




-The former champion Jack Swagger is here and he’s the man. He’s going wrestle little chihuahua Evan Bourne while everyone's eyes are focused on the smiling a-hole Alberto Del Rio. Yup, Jack’s the man. Nice to see you’re still on the roster, Jack. Now prepare for how many pushups you can do to win your contest with MVP.

-Welcome back, C.M. Punk. It's been a while since we got a good, lengthy Punk diatribe on how sinful we are. That big lug Big Show knocks Punk around. Sigh. Can Punk move onto another feud please? A good one?

-It was nice to see Chris Jericho and Edge pull a Manny Ramirez (e.g. get themselves intentionally thrown out) in their main event match. But come on, WWE. NXT could be overtaken by a group of eight-year olds. Skip’s injury really hurt them. I would have expected a bit where Wade Barrett and his cronies beat up on Skip for stupidly getting himself injured to show how callous and cruel they are. But instead WWE set up a bit where Kane flicked the on/off light switch.

That’s it for me. See you on Impact, or the “Dixie Carter Two-Hour Super Special Funtime Show.” Get your "Dixie Fixie!" ™

Raw's Absurd Verdict: It's So Absurd It Makes Me Want To Cry

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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