By Pat McNeill, PWTorch columnist

Torch Columnist Pat McNeill welcomes you to his liveblog of WWE Payback. Let's all enjoy the show:

It's time. Time for WWE Payback, the first of four (four!) wrestling pay-per-views in the month of June. Mostly, it's time for the live Kickstarter, er, Kickstart Kickoff pregame show.

Your panel tonight consists of Josh Mathews, Booker T, Kofi Kingston & Lee Corso.

On Raw, Evolution used Sledgy the Sledgehammer to turn the tide. What does The Shield have to even things out? Bolt cutters? A post hole digger? A three-hole punch? Order Now!

Josh asks Booker T if he'd have given up being World Champion to save his wife's job. Booker asks if Josh means his first wife or his current wife. (Well, he should have.)

Here we go. It's the moment we've all been waiting for. El Torito vs. Hornswoggle.

"Can you imagine having your tail cut off, Michael?" As you'd expect, Cole doesn't have a response to that.

JBL lets everyone know that Hornswoggle is, pound for pound, the drunkest wrestler in WWE. Then he references the Purple Wedding. I'm glad someone is having a good time.

Everyone in this match (and I mean everyone) dives from the top turnbuckle to the floor. I'm surprised Charles Robinson didn't take flight.

Hornswoggle removes Torito's mask, but there's another mask underneath it. Gore! Gore! Gore! Torito wins.

Torito shaves Hornswoggle's head. Hornswoggle says "No mas, no mas!" It's a reference from the 1980's, so I get it right away.

This is taking forever. Where's Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake when you need him?

The Rhodes Brothers vs. Ryback & Curtis Axel and Kofi Kingston vs. Bo Dallas have been added to the show. Are you glad you ordered the Network now?

It's time for the main broadcast. I'm told tonight is about revenge.

Your opening match is Sheamus vs. Cesaro for the United States title. No, there weren't a lot of options.

Paul Heyman introduces his newest Paul Heyman Guy, Jonathan Quick! Oh, that's just mean.

Remember, you can join the #WWEPayback conversation on Twitter by using the hashtag #ComeBackPunk.

Sheamus is getting in a bunch of offense, which gives the Chicago crowd great opportunities to boo the Prince of Pasty.

The number one trend in the world now is "Ann B. Davis," I mean, "USTitle."

Sheamus uses the Texas Cloverleaf, which was still in stock at Costco in the "Gently Used Finishers" aisle.

And yes, after hitting Cesaro with all of his big moves, Sheamus wins with a small package. Welcome to wrestling. Really fun match. Cesaro has great "shocked and upset" facial expressions.

"WWE Countdown" is a WWE Network original program. Program? Yes. Original? Not so much.

Goldust & Cody Rhodes against Ryback & Curtis Axel. Will Cody turn on Dustin tonight, or will they wait until Raw tomorrow? I can't handle the suspense.

Meanwhile, Chicago has jumped out to an early two-goal lead in the hockey game. It's not too late! Get Punk on his cell phone! He can be there by the time the main event rolls around.

Twenty years ago, Arn Anderson turned on Dustin Rhodes in the middle of a tag team match. Actually, it started out a lot like the match in the ring.

Nope, guessed wrong. Ryback pins Cody clean in the center of the ring after the Shell Shock. After the match, Cody quits as Goldust's tag team partner. That's a downer for you. But not as big a downer as watching this commercial.

Next out is Lana. She tells us that in Russia, they laugh at the United States. And that's just at Joe Biden. You should hear what they say about the rest of us.

Big E. Langston vs. Big Al Rusev. Oh, crap! Rusev got him up for a suplex. Big E. knocks Rusev down and spears the Bulgarian Dancing Bear through the ropes. Damn, son!

Lana looks like she's ready to call in Blofeld and the rest of SPECTRE to save her man. But Rusev kicks Langston in the face, breaks his back and makes him humble. Rusev is your winner.

It's Bo Time! Bojangles? I love that place. No, it's Bo Dallas. JBL tells us we've never seen anything like this before. No, we've seen guys who have to wear T-shirts before.

Kofi Kingston vs. Bo Dallas lasts about twelve seconds before Kane shows up and beats the crap out of Kofi. Apparently Kofi sent out an anti-Stephanie tweet earlier today. This feud must continue, preferably on Instagram.

WWE Intercontinental Champion Wade Barrett has some bad news. Alice from the Brady Bunch passed away.

Wade Barrett vs. Rob Van Dam for the Intercontinental Title. To tell you how important the I/C Title is, Wade Barrett's held it four times.

The Chicago crowd is really into this match. WWE should do all of their pay-per-views in Rosemont.

Barrett hits a bull hammer to the ring post. The ring post, fortunately, was not harmed. The second bull hammer finishes the match. The crowd is ecstatic, but that's because the Blackhawks are ahead at the end of the first period.

Video package. Stephanie McMahon tells Daniel Bryan that the people deserve an active champion who can deliver epic title matches. You realize Kane is the number one contender, right?

Stephanie comes to the ring for a fresh round of exposition. It's time for Daniel Bryan to surrender the title. Unless Stephanie's about to get kicked in the head, I don't think I'll enjoy this segment.

I give WWE credit. Both Paul Heyman and Stephanie McMahon were ready and waiting for the C.M. Punk chants.

Brie Bryan calls Stephanie a bitch, which is a hit with all the fans in this PG promotion. Stephanie can't fire Brie, because Brie quits first. Then Brie slaps Stephanie in the face. Let's see that again, shall we?

Ah, yes. Back...and to the left. Back...and to the left. I was wrong. I *did* enjoy that segment after all.

Cena vs. Wyatt is next. You know, that video package is every bit as compelling as it was two hours ago.

The only way Bray Wyatt could be more over tonight is if Mike Ditka joined the Wyatt Family.

JBL remembers Cena beating Umaga in a Last Man Standing match in 2007. If tonight's match is as good as that match, this is time well spent.

The Usos come out to stand with Cena against the Wyatt Family. They receive a great ovation. Basically, the crowd likes everyone at ringside who isn't John Cena.

Wyatt beats down Cena, but John keeps getting up. I've seen this movie before. The Usos and Wyatts brawl to the back. Bray has a chair. Cena has a chair.

Cena gets a table. Bray puts Cena through the table. Don't use the ladders! You have to save something for the next pay-per-view.

Cena sets a new record in the Aluminum Stair Toss. Not enough. Bray hits Sister Abigail. Not enough.

Cena hits the Attitude Adjustment. Harper & Rowan run back out to beat up Cena and pull Bray to his feet. The Usos are out. We get a really awkward spot where one of the Usos has to run into a table Luke Harper is holding up. He makes it.

You know what we haven't done yet? If you say "brawl into the crowd," give yourself a gold star.

Cena puts Bray through an equipment box, then overturns another equipment box on top of Bray. I didn't know they made those boxes out of particle board.

I don't care how many gimmicks they used. That match looked painful.

Lawler says "Batten down the hatches." You know what that means. Alicia Fox is on her way to the ring.

Paige vs. Alicia Fox is next. JBL compares Paige's floatover suplex to Barry Windham's. Cole "You teamed with Barry Windham as the New Blackjacks." (Silence.)

Paige eventually makes Fox tap to the scorpion crosshold. This was watchable. What happens next, not so much.

To think Lawler was afraid of Alicia stealing his Diet Mountain Dew. Trust me, no one's stealing that stuff.

Did You Know? Alex Riley was once a WWE superstar.

Time for our main event. Here comes Evolution. You know Triple H is ready, because he sent out a hashtag on Instagram.

The Shield vs. Evolution. JBL says everyone wants to know who the greatest faction of all time is. It was the nWo. Any more questions?

The six wrestlers brawl all over ringside and use the steps. Gee, that didn't get over as well as it did an hour ago.

"Seth Rollins is the architect of the group." Yes, he is. He's also the plumber of The Shield. And the electrician.

"Hey, Vince, did you see how I put those Shield guys over? I even sold for Ambrose."

"Batista has a unique look tonight." Yes. He blue himself.

Hunter is down. Orton tells Hunter to get up, so he can cut Ambrose off from making the tag. Um, isn't this a no holds barred match? Stop him yourself.

Orton and Hunter have Reigns down. Orton clears the Spanish announce table. No! Not the Diet Dew! Oh, the humanity.

Triple powerbomb on Reigns by Evolution. Cole actually points out something useful. The pay-per-view is low on time, and no one has been eliminated yet.

Evolution starts ripping Reigns' vest and shirt off. That's disturbing. Then Orton and Batista start walloping Reigns with kendo sticks. Has anyone thought about, y'know, pinning him?

Time for an even longer beatdown on Ambrose, until Rollins jumps off the Tron onto all three Evolutionaries. We then get an exciting shot of five wrestlers crawling across a concrete floor.

Back in the ring, Reigns spears Bluetista and Rollins pins Big Dave. Ambrose pins Orton. Uh, oh.

Bluetista spears Reigns before the officials can usher Dave to the back. Orton slips Hunter the sledgehammer on his way out. Unfortunately for Hunter, he never saw Rollins, who catches The Game with a flying knee. Reigns pins Hunter. Yes, The Shield takes out Evolution, three falls to none.

Wow. That's quite a night. Now go join James and Greg over at PWTorchLivecast.com at the bottom of the hour. Wade, Bruce and I will have the VIP Roundtable up later tonight. See you then.

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