By Pat McNeill, PWTorch columnist

By Pat McNeill, PWTorch columnist

Wake the pets and call the neighbors, it's time for our exclusive WWE pay-per-view projections!

DISCLAIMER: Projections are based on what the columnist would do if he were booking this event, instead of Paul "The Game" Levesque, Vice President of Non-Wrestling Operations Stephanie McMahon Levesque and WWE President Bats--- Crazy Vince McMahon. Projections are not predictions, because this is the column where everything's made up and the points don't matter. This preview has been sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today. Some of our departing contestants will receive a supply of Edge Shaving Gel, the six-lubricant defense against razor irritation. Remember, this is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing. These predictions are based on what the columnist would do if he had creative control over WWE, leaving out the part where he adds more wrestling to WWE Network's on-demand library.

We're in our second month of the great WWE Network experiment. On Thursday, we learned that, due to WWE Network, the company is almost certain to show losses for the first half of 2014. And, by the way, we still don't know which network will broadcast Raw and Smackdown this fall. But hey, it sure is neat to go back and watch old wrestling shows, isn't it?

Keep in mind that WWE Network is rebroadcasting Extreme Rules 2011, 2012 & 2013 starting at 10:30 AM Eastern, leading straight to the pregame show. Whatever you do, don't watch all nine hours in a row. Pleas, think of the children.

I don't know if you're aware of this, but Wade Keller and Bruce Mitchell interviewed Jim Ross on Friday's PWTorch Livecast. You might want to check it out.

Before we get down to business, let's get to this month's edition of the Wrestling History Lesson, because that's why many of you clicked here in the first place. Twenty years ago, on May 2nd, 1994, the World Wrestling Federation presented Monday Night Raw (pretaped) from Burlington, Vermont. The WWF Tag Team Title were on the line in the main event as The Quebecers (w/ Johnny Polo) defended the straps against The Headshrinkers (w/ Afa & Lou Albano). If you missed it the first time, it's new to you. Vince McMahon and the late Randy Savage had the call.



What was happening in World Wrestling Entertainment fifteen years ago? I'm glad you asked! WWF brought us Raw is War on May 3, 1999 (pretaped) from San Diego, California. For your opening match, how about a battle between X-Pac and Billy Gunn? Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler had the call.


WWF Raw 05/03/99 - Part 2 by WWF1996-2000

Did you miss WWE Main Event this week? Watch some of it now. Here's Goldust vs. Alberto Del Rio, which took place Tuesday night in Kansas City. Tom Phillips & Byron Saxton have the call. (If you want to see it, hurry, because WWE will have it down in about fifteen minutes. Or less.)



Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler and John B. Layfield will probably be announcing tomorrow, and during the show, they won't always talk about what's going on in the ring. On with the program!

El Torito vs. Hornswoggle (Wee-L-C Match): This is on the pregame show, and we're expecting some ladders and chairs. I'm hoping this lives up to the exacting standards of the Puppet vs. Teo match from TNA a decade ago. Projection? El Torito wins and continues his Goldberg-ian streak of never actually putting anybody over. Lawler and Layfield take turns thumbing through The King's old copy of "1001 Tasteless (Proportionate Dwarf) Jokes.*"

Rob Van Dam vs. Antonio Cesaro vs. Jack Swagger (Elimination match): We'd like to officially welcome Rob Van Dam back to WWE pay-per-view. The Whole F'n Show is already receiving the royal treatment from the company, putting over Wade Barrett on Raw. Meanwhile, since Vince McMahon doesn't think the name "Antonio" is manly enough for a pushed wrestler, I recommend WWE shorten it to "Tony" and make Cesaro an Italian. Problem solved. Projection? RVD finishes off Swagger with the Five Star Frog Splash, then gets neutralized by Antonio Cesaro. A big win for Tony.

R-Truth & Xavier Woods vs. Alexander Rusev (Handicap Match): I hate handicap matches, so I hope WWE including this bout in order to have Ron Killings reprise the Sylvester Stallone "If I can change, you can change" speech from the end of Rocky IV. Projection? Rusev suplexes Woods, Woods sells getting dropped on his head, and the referee stops the match. A big win for Boris and Natasha.

Paige Knight vs. Tamina Snuka (WWE Divas Title): Paige's first month as WWE Divas Champion has been a mild success. Then again, that's an accomplishment for the WWE Divas division, which is normally used as filler, or to bring the crowd down before a big match. Projection? Paige Turner. Bang. Paige moves on to the next challenge.

Big E. Langston vs. Bad News Barrett (WWE Intercontinental Title): Now that Wade Barrett's wrestling instead of delivering horrible one-liners, the Bad News Barrett gimmick is starting to catch on. It would be great if WWE let Big E. Langston show more charisma on Raw and Smackdown, instead of delivering his best promos on the WWE Network backstage shows. Projection? Barrett hits the bull hammer, and we have a new Intercontinental Champion. Which, as we've learned, will actually be Bad News for Barrett and good news for Big E.

John Cena vs. Bray Wyatt (Cage Match): Every so often, our man John Cena gets into a feud with someone who is focused on bringing out the evil in Mr. Hustle Loyalty Respect. Bray Wyatt is pulling off his role well. In fact, Wyatt is definitely winning the war of the words, since there's no way to beat "Children's Choir" on the list of insult delivery systems. Projection? The Usos keep Harper & Rowan out of the cage, but that's only the start as a gaggle of sheep-masked wrestlers climb the cage and help Wyatt beat Cena to a pulp. Ring of Honor fans call this the Jimmy Jacobs finish. Wyatt wins.

Daniel Bryan vs. Kane (WWE World Heavyweight Title - Extremely Extreme Match): Kane earned his title shot tonight by beating...um, er....Anyway, this match is to be contested under Extreme Rules, meaning there are no rules. Projection? Kane uses all sorts of weapons on Bryan, Bryan hits a running knee, and Bryan wins. This drives Kane to revamp his wrestling attire for the third time this year.

The Shield (Dean Ambrose, Roman Reigns & Seth Rollins) vs. Evolution (Randy Orton, Dave Batista & Triple H): We've all heard that Dave Batista is going on hiatus after this weekend. That leads people to wonder whether Big Dave is having his push reduced. That's not the case. The Animal is in a big Marvel Comics movie this summer, so WWE is going to want him back on television when he's through with the publicity tour. You'll know he's getting de-pushed when WWE changes his gimmick name to "D.H. Bautista." Projection? A long brawl, ending with Reigns spearing Batista all the way the Earth-616 and scoring the win for The Shield. Ric Flair shows up, turns heel, turns back face, and then goes on the postgame show to tell Josh Mathews not to read too much into his actions.

Aftermath: We go into Payback with John Cena vs. Bray Wyatt in a Chicago Street Fight, Roman Reigns vs. Randy Orton and Daniel Bryan vs. Tony Cesaro.

* Did you read about the (proportionate dwarf) clairvoyant who escaped from jail? The headline said "small medium at large."

***
Pat McNeill of Richmond, Va. has been a PWTorch Columnist since 2001. He's waiting for the inevitable crossover between "24" and "Game of Thrones." You know it's coming.

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