By Pat McNeill, Torch Columnist

Wake the pets and call the neighbors, it's time for our exclusive Great American Bash projections!

DISCLAIMER: Projections are based on what the columnist would do if he were booking this event. Projections are not predictions, because it's insane to predict how crazy xenophobes will book shows. This preview was sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today. Promotional considerations have been paid for by Cadre Cola ("It hits the spot!") Remember, this is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing.

The tradition continues as World Wrestling Entertainment brings us the Great American Bash this weekend. We won't see Ric Flair vs. Road Warrior Hawk, or the War Games, or the Tower of Doom or the Boogie Woogie Man, but WWE is doing its best to take us back to those halcyon days of yore, when bra and panty matches were important, ridiculous ethnic stereotypes ruled the sport and Road Warrior Animal was always good for a cheap pop.

On Sunday Night Heat: A whole lot of video packages, arrivals, short interviews and an old school Heat match with William Regal pinning Hardcore Holly.

Blue World Order vs. The Mexicools: Nothing like an old fashioned six man tag to kick us off. The good news is that the continuing fuss over Muhammad Hassan has distracted everyone's attention from the dumb Mexicools gimmick. Projection? Blue Meanie gets his pay-per-view payoff, but falls victim to a 450 splash from Juventud in a match where the Mexicools cheat a lot, because they Mexi-can. Don't worry, the crowd cheers for the Mexicans anyway.

Booker T vs. Christian: Boy, the move to Smackdown sure boosted Christian's career, huh? Projection? Axe kick, Bookend, slap to the face from Sharmell. Booker T walks out with the pinfall victory.

MNM (w/ Melina) vs. John Heidenreich & Road Warrior Animal (WWE Smackdown Tag Team Titles): This is the first big test for Mercury and Nitro, as they have to carry a team who couldn't be trusted to work more than a minute on Smackdown Thursday night. Projection? Melina distracts Heidenreich and Mercury knocks him out with the ring bell so the champs can get a cheap and quick victory without hurting Animal's feelings.

Torrie Wilson vs. Melina (Bra and Panties Match): Candice Michelle makes a cameo appearance as the special guest referee, which hints that Candice vs. Melina will be in our future. Projection? Melina pisses off the ref, and Candice and Torrie gang up on her to remove her clothing. Torrie wins. Come on, who HASN'T seen Torrie Wilson in her bra and panties? Get ready for Candice to become Heidenreich's friend.

Rey Mysterio vs. Eddie Guerrero: There's some unnecessary backstory going into this match. If Guerrero wins, he'll share some deep, dark secret with Mysterio's son, Dominic. If Mysterio beats Eddie for the sixth time in a row, Guerrero's lips are sealed. Projection? Mysterio wins after a long match, because Rey has Eddie's number. Eddie tells Dominic the secret anyway on Smackdown, because Eddie lies, cheats and steals.

Undertaker vs. Muhammad Hassan: In an uncommon display of good taste, this is not an exploding ring match. Projection? Chokeslam. Tombstone. Undertaker's the new number one contender. Hassan heads back to OVW so that Paul Heyman can repackage his character.

Orlando Jordan vs. Chris Benoit (WWE United States Title Match): How many people flat-out forgot that Jordan had the United States Title? Benoit's coming off of two good television matches in a row, and Jordan will probably let him lead the dance. Projection? Jordan eschews JBL's assistance, wanting a straight-up contest. Benoit gets the Crossface in about twelve minutes for the win. In a good match.

Dave Batista vs. John "Bradshaw" Layfield (Smackdown World Title): Believe it or not, these two wrestlers have drawn rave reviews for their house show matches around the loop. With Hassan on the shelf, this is no time for WWE to change lead heels. Projection? Jordan tries to interfere. Undertaker makes the save, and we go to a wild and bloody "no contest" in about twenty minutes.

Aftermath: Batista vs. JBL vs. Undertaker at SummerSlam, and the final chapter of Mysterio vs. Guerrero, possibly in a gimmick match of some sort

***

Pat McNeill of Fairfax, Va. has been a Torch columnist since February 2001. He can't believe Ovechkin is on his way to Washington. He also can't believe the hockey strike is over. His online column runs exclusively here at PWTorch.com. His longer "McNeill Factor" columns appear in the Torch Newsletter. Pat McNeill’s first book, "The Tables All Were Broken", is available from many fine booksellers.

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