WWE "Total Divas" Recap
September 15, 2013
Episode #8 “No Longer the Bridesmaid”
Aired on E!
Report by Michael Cupach, PWTorch contributor (and Total Divas specialist)

Writer's Note: For the second month in a row, I am missing out of the main event of a WWE PPV to recap this show for you. You are welcome!

-Previously on Total Divas: Vincent and Ariane broke up, Nikki’s leg fell off and her career is over, and a Chris Benoit look-alike asked Natalya to call off her wedding to T.J. (Tyson Kidd) for him!

-At T.J. and Nattie’s house, Natalya bought a special outfit for her cat, Gizmo, to wear to the wedding. I was a little worried that it would be similar to the outfit Nattie wore for T.J. a few episodes ago!

-Total Divas music video.

-Back at T.J. and Natties, the Neidhart Clan shows up! Sister Muffy, mother Ellie, and father Jim arrive and Ellie has a dress she wants Nattie to wear, but Nattie already has a dress she picked out months ago. Natalya tries on the dress and Muffy thinks it looks awful. There is a rose that sticks out over her funable and Nattie tears it off. Natalya then tries to get out of wearing the dress and suggest she wears it for a different special occasion – like a second wedding?

-Triple H opens the new WWE Performance Center and the girls are there to comment on it. Nikki then makes it all about her injury and she is protective that a newbie will try to take her spot.

-Meanwhile, at the Center, JoJo and Eva Marie try to schmooze Jane Geddes and Jane reveals that Monday on Raw, they need valets and may use one of the girls. JoJo comments in a talking head that Eva is acting cocky because she has red hair and a big *bleep.* I wonder what the bleep was. Big...kneecaps?

-In Tampa, John Cena says that his family is getting together for a family reunion and wants Nikki to meet his family. Nikki is excited, but John breaks the bombshell that the day of the family function is the same day as Nattie's wedding. John says he is going and asks her to miss one of her best friends wedding.

(Commercial)

-At Raw, Nikki and Brie are walking in and Nikki trips and falls. I bet she is drunk. They make it seem like it was injury related, but we know better. We know.

-Mark from Talent Relations has a little meeting with the Divas, or at least the Divas on Total Divas, to talk about Nikki’s injury and how they can step up and take this opportunity. He also announces that Eva will be seconding Natalya to the ring tonight. JoJo is upset and thinks she should have the shot and the Funkadactyls cheer her up.

-Nikki tells Natalya that she can’t attend the wedding. Natalya looks like she wants to rip her head off! Natalya says in a talking head that she would never do that to anyone and Nikki says that she feels Natalya would do the same thing if she was in her shoes. Ha! Natalya powers through the conversation holding back tears, then says they will talk about it later.

-Eva and JoJo sit down in catering and JoJo gives her attitude. JoJo is acting childish and immature and Eva turns around and acts like a Total Yotch right back to her.

(Commercial)

-Backstage, Natalya tells Brie that she is stressed and is starting to feel like a bridezilla! Brie tells her that she needs to think of herself and say “&^%$ everyone.” Being selfish is shocking advice given by a Bella! It manages to cheer Nattie up.

-Eva and Natalya pray before going out.

-Nikki puts on a brave face about not being in front of the crowd, what a trooper. Heaven has a special place for Divas who put on brave faces when it comes to not being booked on a show due to injury.

-It looks like a Superstars match between Natalya and Naomi where Eva escorted Nattie to the ring. Highlights are shown, then the girls come backstage and Eva is congratulated on her opportunity.

From Justin James’s 7/4 Superstars Report:

2 - NATALYA (w/Eva Marie) vs. NAOMI (w/Cameron)

Pre-match, Alex Riley mentions Natalya's recent marriage to Tyson Kidd. Natalya with a quick headlock takedown, but Naomi easily slips out and delivers one of her own. Natalya runs the ropes until Naomi uses the Rear View to knock her down. Natalya wants a Sharpshooter, but Naomi slips out. Natalya with a delayed vertical suplex, then she gets sent to the ringside and she takes a breather. Natalya offers a handshake upon return, but Naomi uses it to sucker her with a schoolgirl for a nearfall. The trade suplex attempts and both slip out. Natalya locks in the Sharpshooter and Naomi almost gets to the ropes before Natalya drags her back to the center for a submission win.

WINNER: Natalya in 5:00. Some good moments for Natalya and Naomi here. Naomi is so athletic and Natalya is a skilled veteran.

-After the show, Nikki and John leave to go to West Newbury, Massachusetts to meet his family.

-Trinity calls up Jon Uso, then Ariane calls on the other line and she sounds like she is dying and asks Trinity to come to her room.

-In Ariane’s room, she is crying and complaining that her stomach hurts. It sounds like either “appendicitis” or “Bubble Guts,” both deadly, so Trinity calls 911 and asks for the camera to turn off for a minute. An EMT shows up and they take her blood pressure and ask her questions, then wheel her out on a stretcher to the ambulance.

(Commercial)

-Trinity is driving Ariane home from the hospital and she was diagnosed with endometriosis, which she describes as post-cycle woman pains. I don’t need to learn about this. Trinity calls Jon back to tell him that everyone is okay and he suggests that Ariane is pregnant, which she doesn’t deny.

-At a NXT taping, Eva decides it is time to have a sit down with JoJo. She asks her what is up and JoJo feels like she is being passed up. JoJo says that this is a competition and she will be happy for her, but she wants what she has. Eva thinks it is time that they need to stop living together and training together, so JoJo storms off. So sad.

-Nattie, T.J., and Gizmo arrive in Florida for their wedding. Nicole, the wedding planner, takes Nattie, T.J., and Gizmo up to do hair and make-up. One by one, the other girls arrive to get their hair did and Nattie reveals that Jaret is coming. Jaret is the guy who has been coming onto Natalya hardcore leading up to the wedding and why she invited him is perplexing to the girls.

-Two hours before “showtime” the weather looks like it is going to storm. There is thunder and lightning and Nattie thinks it looks okay. She gets a reality check when Nicole informs her that the venue is being moved indoors for the safety of her friends and family. Nattie is about to break down because all she wanted was a beach wedding and it looks to be going out the window.

(Commercial)

-Chairs and altar are moved indoors because of the near hurricane outside. Nattie comments that she needs to get over it and enjoy the day, no matter what. All the girls come to talk to Nattie before the ceremony and Ariane walks in with Vincent (she dumped him last episode) and they have gotten back together because she feels that deep down he is a great guy. Natalya is pissed because she doesn’t need them fighting during the ceremony!

-At Cena-fest everyone enjoys fried foods. Nikki thinks that John’s family is hilarious and she loves them. Nikki feels she made the right call ditching Natalya for John. My words, not hers. We also got to meet John’s gay brother and his partner. I wonder what they thought of the gay jokes that John Cena made at The Rock’s expense?

-Thirty minutes before the wedding, the Divas, Superstars, and Jaret wish T.J. all the luck in the world. Jaret is the odd man out here! Jaret tells T.J. that he has been talking to her and that she revealed they are having problems, so T.J. asks for a word outside. T.J. asks the extent of the texts and says that if roles were reversed that Jaret must feel it is weird. T.J. goes off saying that he needs to talk to his future wife.

-T.J. storms into Nattie’s room and kicks everyone out. Natalya comments that they aren’t supposed to see each other until the ceremony, but he cuts her off that he is pissed off.

(Commercial)

Natalya tells him that he has ruined everything about a traditional wedding, but T.J. is pissed and confronts her about Jaret and then asks her if they should even get married. Things are left with a question mark.

-After a few seconds of dramatic music and people looking around, the shot goes back to Natalya telling T.J. that she told Jaret that T.J. is the only guy she cares about in that way. Didn’t seem that way when she was texting him in Vegas. They make up and the wedding is back on!

-The wedding is a who’s who of the WWE, except John Cena and Nikki, of course. The Anvil walks his daughter down that aisle (woooo!) and Nattie is walking Gizmo down the aisle. The priest sounds like he is doing a John Laurinaitis impression! The wedding goes off without a hitch and Nattie calls herself Mrs. Wilson for the first time!

(Commercial)

-At the reception, Damien Sandow introduces the couple for the first time; I’m thinking he is the best man. T.J. and Nattie dance their first dance as man and wife, and he comments that his bad dancing is a result of his bad knee! Nikki calls Brie and asks to talk to Natalya, she is feeling bad that she missed the wedding and Natalya appreciates the call. They make up just under the 60 minute mark of the show. Nattie throws the bouquet and Brie catches it; Bryan has a look like “holy crap!”

-T.J. put together a surprise for her - a highlight package of her career. I’m surprised it doesn’t have a Raw Rewind in the middle of it! I also wonder if he made it or was too lazy and had someone over at WWE headquarters put it together!

-In Boston, John and Nikki have another talk about their future and John asks where they should go from this moment and suggests that they move in together. Oh my! Nikki says that she always figured she would want to move in with someone before getting married and quickly agrees. Clips of them having fun all season are shown as Nikki does a voice-over about how happy she is.

-Highlights from the second half of Total Divas Season 1 is shown. Jon and Trinity go to couple therapy, The Bellas start plotting against Eva Marie, and John Cena and Daniel Bryan main event Summerslam!

Mike's Reax: Well, there you go! This show had every bad television show wedding cliché ever invented. There was bad weather, bad dresses, former lovers, the wedding almost being called off, and guests bringing drama to the party. The only thing that was missing was an embarrassing relative. I thought for sure that's why E! booked Jim Neidhart for this episode, but he behaved himself. I thought Brie Mode would rear its ugly head, but it never happened. I thought this was going to be a real “you know what" of an episode, but this was pretty tame compared to what I had imagined.

The Eva Marie and JoJo altercation was another scripted wonder of this episode. Every word out of their mouths felt scripted and over the top ridiculous. They are such terrible actresses. But, let’s say for a moment that this was legit, who gets that mad over someone getting a chance after you bombed in a big way in the middle of the ring? Did JoJo think that singing the Tons of Funk theme would open doors to more opportunities? Eva posed for Maxim before debuting and JoJo was part of a brutal segment on Main Event, what did she think would happen? Then JoJo commented on doing whatever it takes to become a WWE Diva puts her dating Randy Orton into perspective!

After the show, there was a Total Divas wrap-up show where they talked a little on what happened on the show. Ariane revealed that a result of her medical problems in the last episode might lead to her not being able to have kids. Eva and JoJo still don’t see eye to eye and continued their scripted fight. John Cena came out and said that in the last episode, proposing was never in his mind and he got boo’ed a little bit. John also commended the girls for breaking down the walls and revealing a part of the business that has always been protected and he admits that he watched every episode of Total Divas.

Brie talked a little about herself and Daniel Bryan, she says that in the second half of the season she has relationship problems with Bryan. She says that he is acting different since beating John at Summerslam and she is coming second. Lastly, Jaret is brought out to serious boo’s, enough to make me think he could be brought in to feud with Tyson Kidd and he says that he still talks with Nattie and that T.J. is wrong for her. The girls make him feel uncomfortable by asking if he fantasizes about being nakey with Nattie. This was such a throw-away, ridiculous show. It was treated like a View-like talk show with faux audience and Renee Young acting like a sassy host. This was the worst of the worst and the less said about, the better!

Finally, thanks for reading my recaps of Total Divas for the last eight weeks! I know many of you don’t watch the show and read these recaps to see if the show was as bad as you thought it was. Sometimes this show was unwatchable and cringe-worthy, other times the show was fun. Recapping it was different from what I am used to with Main Event and Smackdown, so I am glad that everyone bore with me doing this. I’ll take the next six weeks off or so from the Divas, but I will be back to recapping the show in November when it comes back. Until then, check out my recap of Main Event every Wednesday, my Smackdown blog on the weekends, and my contributions to the Ask PWTorch All Star Panel over on the PWTorch App!

[Torch art credit Grant Gould (c) PWTorch.com]

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