By Pat McNeill, PWTorch columnist

You are looking LIVE at the McNeill Mancave, where we are ready for the WWE Royal Rumble. (At least, as ready as we'll ever be.)

Jackson Hewitt welcomes you to Pittsburgh, as does the indifferent voice of Josh Mathews.

The panel consists of former Royal Rumble winners. Michaels and Flair have matching watches. Shawn speaks to Josh like Josh is an idiot. I'm ashamed to admit I enjoyed that.

Apparently Cena Senior had his name legally changed to "John Cena's Father."

Vickie Guerrero and Brad Maddox are hosting the Royal Rumble draw. Khali's in the Rumble! This changes everything. (Okay, not really.)

Khali and Sandow both drew early numbers. This means something. The Pittsburgh fans are chanting "Yes, yes, yes!" for Daniel Bryan.
That...apparently doesn't mean anything.

Cole asks JBL if he's ready. JBL says he's as ready as the pregame show panel. In other words, he's not ready.

Time for the tag team title match, with the Rhodes Brothers taking on the Outlaws. No, I'm not down with that, and I think I'll pass on their invitation to suck something.

You know, nothing sells a pro wrestling feud quite like the phrase "There's been a Twitter war between..."

Aw, hell. The New Age Outlaws won the tag titles. Clean. In the middle of the ring. It's gonna be that kind of night.

Let's get on with the main show, shall we?

We kick off our first pay-per-view of 2014 with Daniel Bryan vs. Bray Wyatt. I'm guessing this is so the Bryan fans get it out of their system early.

We cut to the Spanish announce team, who are taking bets as to who's crashing through their table later.

Daniel Bryan joining and leaving the Wyatt Family was part of his master plan. A plan cunningly devised by Bryan's military strategist, Wile E. Coyote.

Lawler dubs this "The Battle of the Beards." Will Gillette Foamy be involved? Stay tuned.

Remember, you can follow all the Royal Rumble action on Twitter by using the hashtag #StopAllThatDamnChanting

Michael Cole talks about the "rumors" of Daniel Bryan having a concussion two weeks ago. Damn those rumormongers over at WWE.com.

You know what else I love? When an announcer assures me that what I'm watching is entertaining. Thanks. I was wondering why I was watching, but you smartened me up.

"Bray Wyatt explodes into Daniel Bryan." Okay, Cole wins the award for "Unpleasant Mental Image of the Night."

The crowd, after fading during the heat portion of the match, is back with a vengeance. This is the best I've ever seen Bray Wyatt look, and that's not a coincidence.

Bray gets the victory (clean) with Sister Abigail and remains undefeated. That was a hell of a deal.

Renee Young interviews Paul Heyman, who does the cable news trick of ignoring Renee and talking about whatever he feels like. Heyman promises that Brock Lesnar will "subjugate" WWE. Actually, that sounds like more fun than whatever the McMahons have booked.

Hacksaw Jim Duggan is wearing a suit. Shawn Michaels is not. Discuss.

Time for Brock Lesnar vs. Big Show. Ric Flair picked Lesnar. Jim Duggan picked Big Show, bless his heart.

Lesnar beats the crap out of Show before the bell and whacks him with a chair several teams. This, of course, does not bring about a disqualification, because that'd be too much like pro wrestling.

Lesnar survives a WMD punch and hits the F5 for the victory. That's more like it.

Lesnar survives a WMD punch and hits the F5 for the victory. That's more like it. Apparently we have some time to fill, so Lesnar hits Show with the chair a couple dozen more times, while NOBODY DOES ANYTHING to stop him.

The thirty chair shots are over. So let's see a replay of them!

The WWE Royal Rumble is presented by Jackson Hewitt, the perfect tax service for independent contractors who are treated like employees.

The Shield does a group promo for the Rumble match. Then they start bickering about who's going to win.

Renee Young interviews Randy Orton, then she screws up and says "WWF." Just for that, Orton leaves to take a dump in her gym bag.

After the obligatory video package, it's time for Randy Orton vs. John Cena, with the WWE title on the line. You know, I'm getting a sense of deja vu.

Orton is now calling himself "The Greatest of All Time." Someone get a time and send Muhammad Ali out there to kick his ass.

The two top stars in WWE are battling for the richest prize in pro wrestling. The crowd, of course, chants for Daniel Bryan.

If Terry Taylor were booking, I think he'd create a new babyface wrestler named "Beau Ring." The fans would chant for him. A lot.

The crowd is doing the wave. I (defecate) you not. Maybe WWE should plan to bus in some Cena fans for Elimination Chamber, so they won't have to deal with this crap any more.

You know what this match needs? A ref bu...Well, there you go.

The crowd starts chanting for a Divas match. Now Orton feels insulted. Can't say as I blame him.

Cena has Orton in the STF when the lights go out. The Wyatts show up and distract Cena, giving Orton the win. Then they beat up Cena. Bray Wyatt has just become the biggest babyface on the internet.

Ad for the new channel. You *think* you're going to like WWE Network, but just wait until you get the 72 hour John Cena Marathon.

Renee Young interviews the New Age Outlaws. They have two words for Renee: New Champs. Time to go to commercial.

There's an ad for the Elimination Chamber, centered around Stephanie McMahon. Kill me now.

Miz: Why am I going to win the Royal Rumble match? I'm not. Next question?

Time for our panel. Hacksaw Jim Duggan picks Dolph Ziggler to win the Rumble. No, really.

Time for the Rumble! Entrant Number 1 is C.M. Punk. Wait...I already knew that.

Entering at Number Two...Seth Rollins. This could be fun.

Sandow is third, and it's two on one. Cody Rhodes is #4, and he saves Punk. Punk eliminates Sandow.

In at Number Five, Libertarian Kane. You can just throw out my Rumble picks now. Punk eliminates Kane too.

Alexander Rusev(!) from NXT is Number Six. Number 7 is Jack "Tea Party" Swagger. The crowd chants "USA" for Swagger as he goes toe-to-toe with Rusev. Either that, or Jim Duggan's heading to ringside.

Kofi Kingston is in at Number 8. Stunt bump time. Number Nine is Jimmy Uso. Number 10 is Goldust. Now we're cooking.

It takes four guys to eliminate Rusev. Next!

Rusev catches Kofi as he's being eliminated and deposits Kofi on the barricade. He does some Bob Beamon action and jumps back to the ring apron.

JBL and I made the same Bob Beamon reference at the same time. I *am* old.

Ambrose is Number 11. Ziggler is Number 12. Welcome back, Dolph. Everybody grabs a rope until R-Truth comes in at Number 13. And Ambrose eliminates Truth. And Ambrose eliminates Jimmy Uso.

Number 14 is Kevin Nash. He eliminates Swagger. Yeah, I don't think the Primetime Players will be appearing tonight after all.

Number 15 is...Roman Reigns. Three Shield members, no waiting. Reigns eliminates Kofi. And Dolph. And Big Sexy.

Jeez, the site is flooded.

Khali is Number 16. Number 17 will come out before Khali makes it to the ring. Goldust eliminates Cody. Sheamus is back and he's number 18. The Shield dumps Khali.

There's one guy in the crowd with a Curt Hawkins sign. Dude, I don't know how to break this to you, but…

Number 19 is The Miz. Number 20 is Fandango, and we get some serious Fandangoing from the crowd. El Torito is in at Number 20. I hope Reigns throws him into the third row.

Close enough. Fandango is also eliminated. Cesaro is Number 21. Giant swings all around.

Luke Harper is Number 22.

Wade always calls at the worst times.

Jey Uso is Number 23.

Number 24 is…John Bradshaw Layfield. This ought to be good. And…Roman Reigns eliminates JBL. Good grief.

Erick Rowan is Number 25. Two Wyatts and three Shields. Time to clear folks out. Harper eliminates The Miz.

Number 26 is Ry Back. This has been a slog. Time for business to pick up. Number 27 is Alberto Del Rio.

Say, you know who HASN'T entered the Rumble yet? No, not JTG...

Yeah, it's Batista at Number 28. Boom.

The crowd isn't booing. They're yelling "Batista!"

Batista eliminates Rowan and Ryback and Del Rio. That helped.

Big E. Langston is in at Number 29. Kane runs in and eliminates C.M. Punk. And puts Punk through the Spanish announce table. The crowd, of course, chants for Daniel Bryan.

We're down to Reigns, Batista and Sheamus. I don't think the crowd is enamored of these three. Roman Reigns eliminates Sheamus while Sheamus is grappling with Batista.

The entire Pittsburgh crowd is cheering for Roman Reigns. Good staredown between Batista and Reigns.

Batista eliminates Roman. Boooooooooo!

Roman Reigns eliminates twelve people and loses the Rumble. Well, if they were trying to make a star out of Reigns, they did a good job. Kudos.

Two of the most hated men on tonight's show are headed toward a WWE Title showdown at WrestleMania 30.

Batista celebrates as we go off the air. That's it from stately McNeill Manor. Join James & Greg on PWTorchLivecast.com at the bottom of the hour. VIP members, tune in about 75 minutes from now to download the Roundtable. Good night!

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