By Pat McNeill, PWTorch columnist

Pat McNeill invites you to join us at around 8 p.m. EST for semi-serious coverage of tonight's epic TNA Lockdown PPV. Jeff Hardy says it'll feature the best cage match ever.

James Caldwell is in San Antonio, and we're here. Look, it's a pay-per-view opening without Deep Voice Guy.

We're LIVE, and it looks like a real crowd. There's a sign that says "Hulk Hogan: King of the Sex Tape." I don't know. I think that particular title still belongs to Tommy Lee.

You know, if these Aces & Eights guys end up dominating TNA, that doesn't speak well for...everyone else in TNA.

Our opening match is Kenny King vs. Christian York vs. Zema Ion. Christian York got a pop, so this might be a hot crowd.

I think I've figured out TNA's X Division strategy going forward. If York stops dying his hair and learns how to point to himself, he might be able to pass himself as Rob Van Dam.

Kenny King tries to vault off of...Oh, Dear God, that was a horrible idea. Fortunately, King's head hit the barricade and broke the fall. Yeesh.

York and Ion both hit big moves, but they're not the finish. Ion Goes a million miles a minute, knocking out King and hitting some sort of tornado DDT on York.

There's a WCW type ramp leading directly into the ring. So, of course King does a springboard legdrop onto the ramp. Fortunately, Zema Ion broke his fall.

Ion is determined to steal the show, especially with the multiple backrakes. King hits the Royal Flush on York for the win. Business picked up. A decent opener.

Backstage, Jeremy Borash interview Joseph Park about his big match. Bad Influence interrupts and tells Joe to see Dixie Carter in catering. And that they have churros. Kazarian and Daniels cut an awesome promo, made doubly awesome because Daniels quotes Billy Joel.

Next up is Joseph Park vs. Joey Ryan. Ryan covers himself in baby oil. Park looks upset. Although, it might be because he couldn't find the churros.

Yeah, there's a match. The finish comes when Ryan goes for a sunset flip, and gets caught with the John Tenta drop from Park. Joseph Park has his first pay-per-view victory.

Backstage, Bully Ray is listening to his wife, Brooke Bully Ray. Bully is trying to figure out how to ask his wife to stop talking, when Hulk comes in to talk business. Hogan is pulling for his son-in-law tonight. Well, at least they're staying true to his character.

Bully Ray manages to listen to Hulk's Andre story with a straight face. He DOES make a good son-in-law. Bully promises the fans will remember what he does tonight. I hope Bully stays as a babyface. Mostly because he's doing a really good job.

Velvet Sky vs. Gail Kim is next. Tenay reminds us this is a rematch from last year's Lockdown. Wow, it's just like Rock vs. Cena!

Taz suggests referee Taryn Terrell is arguing with Gail Kim because it's Taryn's time of the month. Stay classy, TNA.

Gail and Taryn argue after a near fall. Gail gets in Taryn's face and shoves her. Shoves her again. Gail slaps Taryn in the face. Taryn does a good job selling this, then spears Gail. Velvet hits Eat DeFeet and keeps the title. Look for the rubber match at Lockdown 2014. And look for (ugh) a Taryn Terrell - Gail Kim feud.

It's the end of the Bromance. Robbie E cuts a (respectable) promo on Big Robbie T, and we're set for the War From The Shore.

Robbie E starts the match with an attempt to hug it out. Sorry, kid, wrong promotion. This should be all comedy. And it is. Rob Terry hits a fireman's carry into a spinebuster for the win.

Backstage, Borash interviews Austin Aries. Bobby Roode makes a brief cameo. The tag team title match is next.

Chavo and Hernandez get the best reaction, seeing as they're from Texas. The first part of this match is where Chavo and Hernandez get to shine.

Taz complains that Keneley and Tenay are working two-on-one against him in the broadcast booth. Actually, that's how it supposed to be done, with the good guy announcers shooting down the ridiculous statements from the heel.

Hernandez hits a double backbreaker on Aries and Kazarian, but referee Earl Hebner was tied up with Bobby Roode. Now we're up to the part where everyone takes turns hitting big moves.

The finish comes when Chavo is setting up for a frog splash on Daniels, but Roode taps Chavo and tags himself into the match. Chavo hits the frog splash, and Roode steals the pin. Aries and Roode are still the tag team champions.

Tenay says he's heard the talk backstage about the controversial finish with Taryn Terrell and Gail Kim. Since Tenay hasn't left ringside, I don't know how Tenay heard about this. Backstage, Jeremy Borash starts to interview Taryn Terrell, but Gail Kim backjumps Terrell. That part makes sense.

Music from the Fake Dropkick Murphys tells us that Slammiversary will be June 2nd in Boston.

Backstage, D-Lo Brown gives his gang a pep talk. The only thing we learn is that Doc will be the first man in Lethal Lockdown for the bikers.

It's Kurt Angle against Wes Brisco. Yeah, Angle's not giving him a whole lot. At least, not yet. Wes goes on offense and it's not pretty. Taz tells us that it's not Kurt Angle's time any more, it's Garret Bischoff and Wes Briscoe's time. Um, judging by this match, no it isn't.

Kurt Angle catches Wes Brisco with a belly-to-back suplex. Wes takes it well. And he takes the next one well. And the third one, and the fourth one and the fifth one. Hey, you have to give credit where credit is due.

Wes does an Oklahoma roll which looks pretty nice. Then he takes the Angle Slam. Kid, you're supposed to sell that for more than a couple of seconds. Some more back-and-forth action, and then Angle catches Wes with a German suplex from the top rope. That wasn't a good plan.

There's your ref bump. Angle leaves the ring and goes out onto the ramp. D-Lo Brown runs in, smashes Angle against the cage, sends him back into the ring and pulls Wes out for the victory. Well then.

Lethal Lockdown is next. Ken Anderson leads off for Aces & Eights. It's a swerve. It's as though, when they decided to have Doc start, they knew they were on camera or something. Magnus is the first man out for Sting's team.

Well, Magnus isn't the turncoat. He does a job of Anderson. Mike Knox is in next to give the Aces a two-on-one advantage. Fortunately, Knox takes a while walking to the ring. Samoa Joe is out second for Team TNA, and cleans house. Hey, that's how the War Games is supposed to be booked. Very nice.

Garret Bischoff is out third for his team. The crowd chants "You can't wrestle" at Garret. TNA management is backstage, trying to figure out who leaked that information. I kid, I kid. Actually, Bischoff sells better than Wes Brisco did.

Eric Young is out third for Team TNA. He celebrates by stripping down to his briefs. Devon is out fourth for Aces & Eights. I can't see the crowd cheering Devon unless he gets the tables. And the fourth man for Team TNA is James Storm. Which makes sense.

There's Doc. 2 minutes later, there's Sting. Sting brings his own weapons with him. Evidently, there's no roof to lower onto the cage. Sting's team has garbage cans, lids and kendo sticks, and they're on the offense. Taz is begging for someone to help Devon and company.

Finally, the Aces get the baseball bat from Eric Young. and that turns the tide. Storm and Magnus corner Garret Bischoff, who tries to escape the cage. This leads to a pile-up in the corner and Samoa Joe hits the Stacked-up Stupidplex. And Sting sends Eric Young up to the top of the cage. EY hits the elbowdrop on Mike Knox from there, and Team TNA wins.

Someone in the front row has a T-shirt that says "I'm a Vince Russo Guy." I hope for his sake that he didn't get laid off when Blockbuster closed all those stores.

Time for Jeff Hardy vs. Bully Ray in the main event. Jeff is clearly the crowd favorite tonight. Several minutes in, Wes Brisco and Garret Bischoff climb into the cage. Hardy and Bully team up to forcibly remove them. I feel better now.

Hardy tries to climb out of the cage. Bad idea. Bully catches him with a Bully Bomb from off the top rope. And...Jeff Hardy kicks out at two. Now Hulk Hogan and Brooke Hogan have made their way to ringside. And they're getting booed. I love TNA fans.

The Aces & Eights guys come out and surround the cage. Bully hands Hardy a chain and they prepare to fight. Except Devon passes Bully Ray a hammer. And Bully hits Jeff with it. Bully pins Jeff to win the title.

Bully tells Hulk he's an old bastard, and tells Brooke she's s stupid bitch. Aces & Eights celebrate with Bully. The fans throw bottles at Aces & Eights, with surprisingly good aim. Bully announces he's the President of Aces & Eights.

Boy, if I were one of the bikers Bully had beaten up in the past several months, I'd be pissed off. "We did it, Taz!" screams Bully.

That's it for me. VIP's join us for the aftershow. The rest of you, go to PWTorchLivecast.com for the postgame show.

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