By Pat McNeill, PWTorch columnist

Time for WWE Battleground, the late-night recap version. Despite my best efforts, WWE Network needs serious prodding so I can actually watch this show from the beginning.

Your panel is Byron Saxton, Booker T, and Corey Graves. Booker is riding low. Give the man a booster seat. Renee describes Saxton as "one of the voices of Raw." I may cry. Renee then asks social media guy Tom Phillips to tell us "what's happening on the internet." Yeah, I'd be more specific. Like, before Tom hits Chat Roulette.

Tom tells us "social media is on fire." Something about Donald Trump and a dead guy in Demi Moore's swimming pool. This means something, Renee.

Booker tells us no one has won the United States title better than John Cena. Book, I have Lex Luger on line two. He'd like a word with you.

The announcers have turned the corner on The New Day, who come to the desk to say hello. Byron offers his support. The New Day does not accept.

R-Truth vs. Barrett in a battle of fake kings. JBL assures us Barrett's claim to the fake throne is more legitimate than Truth's. Cole seems to think the crown is on the line. There is nothing wrong with this match. Lawler assures us that this King deal isn't all it's cracked up to be.

Truth performs a tope. Instead of hitting chests, they bump heads. Remember when I said there was nothing wrong with this match? I was mistaken. Time for a commercial. You know, there probably are some folks watching the pre-show who don't have WWE Network, but I'm never met any of them.

JBL tells us that R-Truth will be helping him with a rap album, as he puts together hip-hop versions of George Jones songs. Kids On Bridges needs to watch their backs. Barrett wins with the Bullhammer. The Iron Throne is safe.

Renee tells us that Bray Wyatt has to wrestle Roman Reigns tonight. Well, she did warn us. The announcers are really struggling to sell this match, or explain it, for that matter. Book compares Bray Wyatt to The Shadow. Somewhere, John Layfield is grinning like a proud poppa.

Backstage, Eden Stiles interviews R-Truth. Truth explains he's "King Whassup." Eden tries, but still ends up calling him "King What's Up." Touche, pussycat. Ron Killings' interview makes about as much sense as Bray Wyatt's interview.

Tom Phillips is standing by with Paul Heyman. If I were Tom, I'd hand over the mic and go get a churro or something. Tom bravely forges ahead and takes his verbal lashing.

Stephanie McMahon has requested all nine divas from Raw show up at Battleground. The other divas are busy updating their resumes.

Byron Saxton tells another story. It sure sounds like Saxton was dropping acid while watching old episodes of "Fat Albert & The Cosby Kids." Time for the main show.

Tonight, the WWE superstars fight for justice, for vengeance, for Sparta, for overly dramatic video packages. Take your pick.

Randy Orton vs. Sheamus is the opening match. We didn't get a pre-match promo from Sheamus. He was too busy sharpening his hair. Orton actually gets a hometown pop in his hometown. The two men have been arguing on social media. You know, I'll never forget those nasty tweets Ali and Frazier exchanged before their first fight.

Lawler raises a good point. If you had the briefcase, wouldn't you be wanting to cash it in while Rollins has the title? You know, before Brock Lesnar wins the belt back?

Sheamus yells "Are you not entertained?" at the audience. Evidently, they're not. After a while, we go out to the floor, where Orton slams Sheamus on the announce table. Orton milks the audience dry teasing the RKO, then finally hits it for the win. The man's a pro. And he won in his hometown.

Cole tells us Sheamus has nothing to be upset about. Sure. Exect for the part where Orton dropped him on his face and pinned him. I could set Shamus being a little upset there.

Last week on Raw, the gym teacher helped all the litle girls choose up sides. JoJo interviews Stephanie. JoJo comes up to her nipples. We're having a triple threat divas match later.

Primetime Players vs. The New Day. The crowd has also turned the corner on The New Day. But there are still pockets of PTP fans in the house. In fact, the New Day's act is so sharp that it distracted me from those Macy's gift wrap tights that Titus & Darren were sporting.

Solid match, ending with Titus hitting his finisher. Oh, I get it. The Players are wearing Jacksonville Jaguars colors. They're unique.

This week on Total Divas: Eva Marie is still a bitch. Got it.

Roman Reigns vs. Bray Wyatt. The fans are mostly behind Wyatt. That can't be good. Wyatt sidesteps Reigns and Roman runs himself into the steps. That didn't make Reigns look particularly smart.

Jerry Lawler wants to know Bray Wyatt's motivation for going after Reigns. Sorry, King. If you want to get to the bottom of that, you're going to need a better booker.

Reigns probably took the heat for a couple minutes too long. He goes for the drive-by kick, and Bray spears Roman. Awesome. This match is crawling past the twenty minute mark(!) when Bray kicks out of the superman punch. That's a surprise, but Wyatt had started selling that punch before it landed.

Reigns get attacked by a guy who looks like Luke Harper in a hoodie and Wyatt wins with his finisher. The guy unmasks and...it IS Luke Harper. How nice. Guess Roman isn't turning heel during the main event.

Next month, it's the biggest event of the summer. And by that, I mean NXT Takeover Brooklyn.

JoJo welcomes Beautiful & Dangerous & Sasha Banks. They make JoJo feel uncomfortable.

Everybody heads to the ring. After some gamemanship (gamewomanship?) we end up with Brie vs. Charlotte vs. Sasha. Sasha dives in like she's been working the big show for years. She puts over Ms. Fliehr like Slick Ric putting over Nikita.

Brie tries to do the Daniel Bryan kicks. To coin a phrase, there's Daniel Bryan, and then there's Not Exactly. In fact, if there is a weak link in this contest (and I'm not saying there is), it's the one who married Bryan. JBL goes nuts comparing the NXT divas takeover to the NWO takeover. And not the takeover from 2002, either.

The divas take turns diving off the apron, except that Brie's team kinda sorta forgets to catch her. Charlotte eventually surprises Brie with the figure eight for the submission victory. Charlotte may be the winner, but Sasha was the star.

Back to Renee Young and the one-star panel. Renee was shocked by Luke Harper showing up. That wasn't a shock. Sam Mushnick showing up tonight? That would have been a shock.

Cena vs. Owens for the U.S. Title? Our time is now. These St. Louis fans jeer for John Cena like they jeer for no other wrestler. "My dad says if I cheer for Cena I'm grounded." Fantastic sign.

JBL puts over that Owens can go up 2-1 on Cena. This would be true if Cena hadn't defeated Owens on several dozen house shows.

Cena's wearing a white belt, but it isn't Labor Day yet, so we're cool. Oh, wait. It's an official John Cena Jean Shorts Belt, which actually reads "Hustle Loyalty Respect." I take that back.

JBL asks how many times do you see people kick out of Cena's top rope leg drop? Let me think about that. RIght. The answer is "every time Cena's tried it." If Kev had countered Cena's electric chair spot into a victory roll, I would have popped huge.

During the match, we get a crawl on the bottom of the screen with fans tweeting their praise for the Divas bout. WWE never would have pulled that crap during a Triple H match. Code Teal!

Owens kicks out of the Attitude Adjustment. My money is on Owens kicking out of that move six times, and the seventh time finishing him off. Owens applies the STF and Cena reaches the ropes. The crowd didn't care for that. But they did appreciate Owens no-selling the springboard stunner a minute later.

Feel free to talk about this match on social media by using the hashtag #LetsKickOutOfFinishers.
Speaking of which, Owens kicks out of the Super Attitude Adjustment. That's three. Cena does get Cena to tap out of a poorly executed STF.

I liked Owens's facial expression right before he tapped. He was either completely spent, or he was hoping that Cena would apply the hold correctly before he tapped.

A recap of Ryback's medical update. It sure looks like Ryback appreciated all his Twitter fans correcting his spelling.

Miz comes to the ring in his "Cloris Leachman Shopping At Old Navy" outfit. He calls Ryback a pansy. Blah blah blah, Big Show shows up and punches Miz out.

Tough Enough ad. JBL likes Sara Lee. Plenty of room on the bandwagon, Layfield.

Time for our main event. Rollins vs. Lesnar. I liked Brock laughing at Seth before the match. Seth gets some leg kicks, and manages to avoid the F5. But then the Architect gets caught. Suplex Number 1. Number 2. Number 3. Number 4. Number 5. Rollins rolls, grabs the belt and hops the railing. Brock brings Seth back in, the hard way. Suplex Number 6.

Seth gets to his feet and gets a lot of kicks in. But the Beast rallies. Suplex Number 7. Number 8. Number 9. Number 10. Number 11. Number 12. Remind me. What was the over/under on suplexes?

Suplex Number 13. F5. And the lights go out. When they come on, it's The Undertaker. The angry, middle-aged, about to star in a remake of Gran Torino Undertaker. And the dead man takes Lesnar apart.

Well, that was an impressive ending. Still, I feel like we're forgetting something. What is it? Oh, wait. I remember now.

Could someone tell Seth Rollins when the show ends, so he can stop hiding under the ring?

We suggest these recent related articles...

McNEILL's Late Night Deadblog - WWE Night of Champions: Bucklebombs, Light-up Jackets, Poachers, IcoPro, Eddie, more!

Night of Gold: McNEILL Previews Night Of Champions 2015 (w/Wrestling History Lesson)

Double Duty: McNEILL previews ROH's All-Star Extravaganza VII pay-per-view!