By Pat McNeill, PWTorch Columnist

PWTorch Columnist Pat McNeill will be joining us at about 7:30 PM EDT to blog about tonight's WWE Payback event. Bring your own beverages.

Will we all be sick of that Fall Out Boy song in three hours? My sources say “yes”.

Joey Styles' daughter interviews Dolph Ziggler. The Showoff says tonight he'll be doing what he does better than anyone else. So, he’ll be bumping?

Renee Young mentions all the people Cena has defeated in “I Quit” matches, and includes Alex Riley. Hang on to that girl, Dean.

If you weren’t planning on watching the Payback Kickoff show, have someone send you a screen shot of Corey Graves’ suit.

Daniel Bryan tells us a championship title does not belong on a physical therapist’s chair. (It belongs on Brock Lesnar’s coat rack.)

Brie Bella, now that you're a babyface again, can you tell us how your husband is doing? "I love him more than anything." Nikki, how is your boyfriend doing? "He's kind of a jerk, Eden."

Wait, there's a bonus match. Here's R-Truth.

"It's the kickoff show. And I'm rarin' to go. I've done wrestled Cody Rhodes. Fifteen matches in a row. What's up? (What's up!)"

JBL makes a “Hunger Games” reference. Now we know what movie was on last night at the hotel.

Michael Cole has breaking news for us. R-Truth messed up the lyrics to his own entrance song.

Don't forget this Tuesday, the Jerry Lawler documentary comes out on DVD, Blu-Ray and VideoDisc.

Stardust gets got, and R-Truth gets his revenge over the Bizarrer One.

Be sure to check out all the great non-wrestling programming available on the WWE Network for free in the month of May.

If you want to know how well the Chris Jericho podcast with Stephanie McMahon went over, the Stone Cold Podcast returns on June 1st.

Tonight, Dolph Ziggler looks for revenge against Sheamus, while Sheamus looks for revenge against his hairdresser.

Sheamus says his haircut represents fear. Yes. To be more specific, it represents fear of a really bad haircut.

If you really like professional wrestling, WWE Network invites you to come back in about, oh, 72 hours.

Time for the preshow main event, otherwise known as the WWF WrestleFest Arcade Game Cosplay Match.

Ascension wins. WWE just buried Axel & Sandow, then buried the shovel they used to bury Axel & Sandow.

Time for the main show. Seth Rollins cuts a promo about how he's a master of human chess. No. Ric Flair played human chess. Seth Rollins plays human Hi Ho Cherry-O.

Our opener is Ziggler vs. Sheamus. Cole says that Extreme Rules is the most embarrassing moment of Dolph's career. At least until John Cena plays Ziggler in Amy Schumer's movie.

Sheamus charges blindly at Ziggler, who sidesteps the Irishman and allows Sheamus to run into the ring post. This is probably why pro wrestlers don't do so well in mixed martial arts.

Ziggler gives Sheamus a stinkface. Fortunately, that's not the finish.

Ziggler headbutts Sheamus and somehow manages to bust himself head open like Dusty Rhodes on a bad night. Sheamus wins with the big kick. Blood and circuses. Good match.

Backstage promo with The Authority. Four minutes of awkward dialogue ending with Seth Rollins threatening to beat up the middle-aged, suit wearing ex-champ. For some reason, Kane doesn't look threatened.

The New Day is out to tout the power of positive thinking. Well, it sure worked wonders for the Clippers.

Up next, it's the Paragons of Positivity against the Excellence of Execution for the WWE Tag Team Titles.

The challengers win the first fall. Xavier wants in for the second fall, citing "Freebird Rules." Could someone haul Michael Hayes out of the club level and have him explain Freebird Rules to the locker room? Thanks.

The 2015 Slammy Award for Worst Impression of a Tag Team Finishing Move goes to Big E. Langston & Kofi Kingston. We are even at one fall a piece.

This match is pretty great. The finish comes when Xavier & Kofi switch places behind the ref's back and Xavier pins Cesaro. Because, you know, all members of the New Day look alike.

Ryback tells us Bray Wyatt likes to play mind games on his opponents. The joke's on Bray. Ryback doesn't have a mind.

Ryback vs. Bray Wyatt. I'm trying to figure out how we could make Ryback's gear look any dumber. Maybe some tassels?

I have been notified that tonight's theme song is from Imagine Dragons, not Fall Out Boy. That doesn't make it any better.

JBL wasn't expecting the Ryback vs. Wyatt match to be this physical. Really? Did he think telekenesis would be involved?

And, if I told you that Bray won by outsmarting Ryback, how surprised would you be?

Next up is the I Quit match. According to the video package, Cena vs. Rusev is now a "storied rivalry." I thought you'd like to know.

Lawler points out that Lana was obviously reading from a prepared statement on Smackdown. Yeah, that has to be pretty demeaning, having your words scripted like that.

Cole asks JBL what it's like to lose an "I Quit" match to John Cena. (I think Cole saved that one up for tonight.)

You know Cena is serious about tonight's match. He's busted out the black jean shorts.

Rusev is dominating the match, but he's distracted by the Baltimore fans chanting for Lana. The announcers advise us that the only limits in an "I Quit" match are the imaginations of the wrestlers. I'm predicting Cena rides to victory on a unicorn.

"If you don't quit, Rusev, I'll put you through this wall." "Sorry, English not so good. What you mean?...AAAAHHHHHHH!"

Rusev searches for a weapon. "Hmmmmm. Somebody left a long electrical cord here. I know. I'll trip Cena with it."

Cena burns Rusev by throwing him onto the pyro. If John were smart, he'd grab a can of Bactine and finish Rusev off now.

Cena passes out before quitting. It's times like these Rusev wishes he hadn't dropped out of ventriloquist school.

Yes, Cena catches Rusev with a rope-assisted STF, and Lana quits on his behalf. Cena keeps the title.

There's some dispute at the announce table as to what Rusev was shouting at the conclusion of the bout. Don't worry, I went to Google Translate. Rusev was shouting "I'll whip your fruity pebbles wearing monkey ass!" in Bulgarian. So there you go.

Backstage, The New Day celebrates their victory by drinking milk. What is this, the Indy 500? Byron Saxton tells the champs they're defending the titles in an elimination chamber match in two weeks. The New Day is worried about fitting all three members inside one pod, especially if Big E.'s been eating kielbasa.

The Bella Twins against Naomi and Tamina is next. Remember, the Bella twins are the fan favorites here. Lawler actually asks "Who doesn't like Nikki Bella?" You mean, other than people who watch "Total Divas?"

Naomi pins Nikki. This feud must continue.

"What happens when the director of Jackass meets the WWE Universe?" I don't know, but I expect I'll find out by reading the recaps.

Time for the third and final hour, with King Barrett taking on Adrian Neville. Neville makes his customary entrance. Look, I know we're in Baltimore, but you don't have to dress half the roster (and Corey Graves) in purple.

"Get up, you bloody peasant!" THERE's a line I haven't heard since "Monty Python & The Holy Grail."

Neville wins by countout, Barrett beats up Neville after the match to get his heat back. Neville breaks Barrett's sceptre to get HIS heat back. If you're confused, I can do this in storyboard form.

Time for more Tough Enough audition videos. It's like WWE Slam City, in reverse!

Time for our main event. While the video package airs, go back and read some jokes from earlier tonight. If WWE can repeat material, so can I.

It's Seth Rollins vs. Randy Orton vs. Roman Reigns vs. Dean Ambrose. The focus here is whether the middle-aged guy in the suit will interfere in the title fight. That's the sort of compelling drama that drew money for Mayweather & Pacquiao.

If you're WWE, should you be worried about the babyface pop Seth Rollins got for his ring entrance?

Remember to sign up for your free month of WWE Network. The Network won't be free in June. (Unless it is.)

We're five minutes into the match, and Kane has beaten up Ambrose, Reigns and Orton in rapid succession. Are you not entertained?

Cole talks about how loyal Kane is to Triple H. And why not? It's not as though Hunter pretended to have sex with Kane's dead girlfriend, or anything like that.

I make fun of the announcers' memories all the time, but they *did* get out of the way quickly when Randy Orton approached. So they are paying attention.

The Shield reunites for a few seconds to triple powerbomb Orton. Then Ambrose and Reigns beat up Rollins and leave him on the announce table, so they can powerbomb Kane onto Rollins. And the table doesn't break.

People say wrestling isn't real, but the look on Kane's face when he realized they'd have to repeat the powerbomb spot? That seemed real.

Rollins recovers from having Kane powerbombed onto him twice. That's impressive by itself. What's even more impressive? Seth Rollins has a new finishing move, and it's the pedigree. Sure, he needed a bunch of interference, but Rollins pinned Orton.

Triple H comes out to celebrate with Seth Rollins. Because, really, that's what's best for business.

That's it from here. Now join James & Greg on PWTorchLivecast.com at the bottom of the hour for the post-game show. VIP members, the best roundtable in the business will be ready for you in about 60 minutes. Good night!

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