By Pat McNeill, PWTorch Columnist

Wake the pets and call the neighbors, it's time for our exclusive WWE pay-per-view projections!

DISCLAIMER: Projections are based on what the columnist would do if he were booking this event, instead of Paul "Performance Center" Levesque, Runjin Singh and WWE President Bats--- Crazy Vince McMahon. Projections are not predictions, because this is the column where everything's made up and the points don't matter. This preview has been sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today. Some of our departing contestants will receive a Black & Decker SmartBrew® coffee maker. The SmartBrew® has a Perfect Pour® Carafe with a dripless spout and ergonomic handle. Pat McNeill's wardrobe provided by Bernini. Remember, this is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing. These predictions are based on what the columnist would do if he had creative control over WWE, except for where he hires Lexie Fyfe to book the divas division.

Some of you were wondering how long it would take for Vince McMahon to realize the real potential of WWE Network. It took...about fifteen months. That's how long it took for WWE to schedule its own pay-per-view style event on the Network. WWE is doing this to promote the free month of WWE Network in May. This time.

Who knows why WWE will create another impromptu pay-per-view? Maybe WWE will decide to stick it to TNA and make another Network special for June 28th. (Actually, they won't.) Or, maybe WWE will feat the heat from an Americanized airing of Wrestle Kingdom in January and target New Japan? Or Ring of Honor? The 1987 version of Vince McMahon would have jumped on this in a heartbeat.

Before we preview the show, let's get to this month's edition of the Wrestling History Lesson, because that's why many of you clicked here in the first place. Twenty years ago, on May 14th, 1995, the World Wrestling Federation presented the first WWE In Your House from Syracuse, New York. The company also taped a qualifying match for the 1995 King of the Ring tournament, as Davey Boy Smith faced the defending King of the Ring, Owen Hart. Jim Ross & Gorilla Monsoon had the call.



What was happening in World Wrestling Entertainment fifteen years ago? I'm glad you asked! Back in the day, the World Wrestling Federation provided special pay-per-views for the UK audience. On May 6, 2000, the company presented WWF Insurrextion 2000 from Earl's Court in London. The main event saw The Rock defend the WWF Title against Shane McMahon and Triple H in a handicap match. No, I don't miss the "good old days." Jim Ross & Jerry Lawler had the call.



Did you catch this week's episode of Thursday Night Smackdown No? Watch it now (sort of). The main event is Roman Reigns against Kane in a match where there must be a winner. Tom Phillips, Bryon Saxton and Jerry Lawler have the call. (If you want to see it, hurry, because WWE will have it down in about fifteen minutes. Or less.)



Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler and John B. Layfield will be announcing the show, which means Tom Phillips, Byron Saxton and Booker T can help with the scintillating Payback kickoff show. On with the program!

Curtis Axel & Damien Sandow vs. The Ascension (Mega Powers vs. Mega Sucks): I'm sure there are people on the WWE creative staff who think this is a brilliant concept. Judging by the crowd reaction to the Axel-Sandow segments on the past few shows, this match belongs on the preshow. Projection? Axel & Sandow are your winners, finishing off Conor with the legdrop followed by the Flying elbow from Sandow.

The New Day (Big E & Kofi Kingston w/ Xavier Woods) vs. Tyson Kidd & Antonio Cesaro (w/ Natalya Kidd) - Two Out Of Three Falls for the WWE World Tag Team Titles: Remember, when you can get at least ninety percent of a WWE crowd to chant about how much you suck, you've officially made it. The tag team champs are set for a while. Projection? We have a couple of bang-bang opening falls. Kofi hits Trouble In Paradise on Tyson for Fall One, and then walks into a Neutralizer for the second fall. A little interference from Xavier makes the difference. The New Day wins in a longer match than last month.

Adrian Neville vs. King Wade Barrett: The two rivals are even at one match each. Barrett has the crown, which he won on WWE Network, but the honorary title of King is not the one the line here. And you know what that means. Projection? Barrett misses a Bull Hammer. Neville hits a Red Arrow. The newcomer goes up two matches to one, and that's bad news for Barrett.

Ryback vs. Bray Wyatt: The Eater of Worlds has been cooled off over the last several months. If Bray is ever to amount to anything again, he needs a win. And, like any cult leader, he needs a following. There's no reason he shouldn't have both. Projection? Bray pulls off the win with Sister Abigail. Harper and Rowan return to the side of their older brother. They're putting the band back together.

Nikki Bella & Brie "Mode" Bella vs. Naomi Fatu & Tamina Snuka: Naomi's new friend has made a difference in the ladies' division. For one thing, it's distracted WWE fans from the absence of A.J. Lee & Paige, and that's important. Projection? Tamina and Naomi welcome Charlotte to their crew, and Ms. Snuka knocks out Nikki with a superkick to give the Big Girls a win over the Mean Girls. This will force the sisters to swallow their pride and fetch Paige to even the odds for a three-on-three feud.

Dolph Ziggler vs. Sheamus: You know, we might have to pay off Ziggler's revenge on Sheamus for the pale pontiff's failure to abide by last month's stipulation. I do appreciate Sheamus's new wardrobe, stolen from Sean Thornton in "The Quiet Man." Projection? Ziggler wins with the Zig Zag and drags Shemaus backstage, where Dusty Rhodes has a horse trailer waiting. Dolph shoves Sheamus's face into a horse's rear end, and that particular aspect of the feud gets paid off.

John Cena vs. Alexander Rusev (w/ Lana B. Anthony) - WWE United States Title, I Quit Match: Two words, five letters. The problem with the I Quit match is that Cena's not going to quit. And once Rusev quits, that kills the big dancing bear as a main event heel. I'm not in love with the guy, but he's drawing actual heat. So let's not kill him off just yet. Projection? Both wrestlers throw everything at each other, but neither will yield. Cena locks on the STF and Rusev is in death agony (in the storyline). Lana can't stand to see her boyfriend in pain. Rusev passes out rather than quit. Lana throws in the towel for her man and Cena wins, setting up even more tension between the Bulgarian brawler and the ravishing Russian.

Seth Rollins vs. Dean Ambrose vs. Randy Orton vs. Roman Reigns (WWE World Heavyweight Title - Fatal Four Way): As you'd expect, the focus of this match is on Kane and Triple H. Whose side is Kane on? Can Triple H trust Kane to protect the WWE Title? You know, the sort of brilliant storytelling that has delivered this month's record television ratings for WWE. Let's shake it up a bit. Projection? The top four wrestlers in the business square off. Kane is at ringside, but there's no funny business. Late in the match, a large riot spills out from the concourse, with two dozen stereotypical thugs against a gaggle of fake cops and security goons. The distraction enables Rollins to roll Ambrose up for the pin. Rollins retains the WWE Title.

(Don't pretend I'm the only one who figured out a way to work a "Baltimore finish" onto the show. I know you people too well.)

Aftermath: We get the Elimination Chamber in two weeks, with Dean Ambrose vs. Neville vs. Wade Barrett vs. Dolph Ziggler vs. Sheamus vs. Rusev for the vacant Intercontinental title. We also get Seth Rollins vs. Randy Orton for the title, with Kane as special guest referee. Come on, you knew that was coming.

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Pat McNeill has been a PWTorch Columnist since 2001. He lives in Greenville, South Carolina. He'd take Houston over Los Angeles in Sunday's NBA Playoff game. You know, if gambling were legal.

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