By Pat McNeill, PWTorch columnist

PWTorch Columnist Pat McNeill will be joining us at about 7:30 PM EDT to blog about tonight's WWE Extreme Rules event. While you're waiting, enjoy some light music.

Welcome to tonight's Extreme Blog. It's the one night a year where my blog goes Extreme. Or something like that.

Renee Young points out that you still have time to sign up for WWE Network. Yes. To be more specific, you have the rest of your life.

And it sounds like the Chicago crowd has wasted a perfectly good "C.M. Punk" chant on the preshow. Boy, you hate to see that.

Booker T feels like we haven't mentioned Triple H enough, so he drops Hunter into the conversation about the main event.

Wade Barrett says he has some bad news for us. Boy, does he ever. Daniel Bryan is not cleared to wrestle.

It's Barrett vs. Neville on the pre-show. JBL says this is like watching Dynamite Kid against William Regal. You know, if Wade Barrett was in a wheelchair and waving a gun around.

Jerry Lawler's making fun of Wade Barrett's nose. Oh, good, The King brought his A-game tonight.

Neville hits the Red Arrow and wins, so he's the number one contender for the I/C Title, or something like that.

Tom Phillips does a Twitter Q&A session with Kane. Shockingly, no one asked Kane about the size of Batista's member.

Don't forget, you can join the conversation about tonight's show on social media by using the hashtag #YellowIsAGoodColorOnReneeYoung

Tonight, on WWE Network, you'll grow to hate that Fall Out Boy song just as much as if you'd seen the preshow.

We open with Ambrose against Harper in a Chicago Street Fight. On the preshow, Dean Ambrose talked about WrestleMania. Ironically, Ambrose has a very clear memory of what caused his concussion.

The announcers agree that Luke Harper is a bizarre, mindless individual who lives in a swamp. But at least he's not a vegan.

This match is a Chicago Street Fight. There's no blading, no choking, no shots to the head, and everything has to stay PG. This is Extreme!

They brawl backstage. Harper tries to drive off in an SUV, but Ambrose dives in headfirst through the passenger window. Tom Wopat is very impressed.

The opening match is on hold while Kane tracks down the wrestlers on the streets on Chicago. If Harper and Ambrose are about to rip off the car chase scene from "The Blues Brothers," I will give this match 1,000 stars.

Time to go to Ziggler vs. Sheamus in the Kiss My Arse match. In a sign of the times, let's take a look back at the Tweets that led up to this match.

Yeah, this is pretty much a regular WWE match.

Be sure to check out WWE's new two disc set of "The Very Best WWE Kiss My Arse Matches." It'll be out the 10th of Never.

"Both men are trying to avoid complete embarrassment tonight." Unlike the people who sent in their Tough Enough videos.

Ziggler gets the win. JBL says Sheamus won't be welcome back in Ireland now, but that has more to do with his haircut.

On the bright side, I guess Sheamus is doing a good job of selling the stipulation. Sheamus decides to beat up Ziggler instead of kissing Ziggler's ass. In hindsight, that seems like a smart move.

The bigger Sheamus rubs Ziggler's face in his posterior. Stephanie runs out and tells Sheamus to be a star and...Ha, ha, ha! I knew I couldn't write that with a straight face.

Don't forget, if you sign up for WWE Network in May you'll get...lots of lots of video packages with Roman Reigns.

Up next, the WWE Tag Team Titles are on the line, as Antonio Cesaro & Tyson Kidd defend against New Day Sucks.

"Great athletes don't have to tell you they don't suck." Clearly, JBL is unfamiliar with the work of Tony Romo.

Cesaro catches Big E. Langston in midair. No, really. Langston and Kingston are actually meshing as a heel tag team, which is what you do when WWE Creative gives you a big babyface push.

After a pretty good bang-bang finishing sequence, Kofi rolls up Cesaro and grabs the tights. We have new tag team champions. And you didn't think WWE could get New Day over. Shame on you.

If you missed Neville vs. Barrett from the preshow, here it is again.

The New Day celebrates their victory with Renee Young, who's wearing yellow in solidarity with the new champs. They are interrupting by Ambrose and Harper returning in the SUV, with referee Charles Robinson close behind in a Ford Aspire.

Harper and Ambrose brawl to the ring. Harper covers Ambrose with chairs, then heads to the top rope to dive onto the chairs. On what planet is this a good idea?

Ambrose wins with the Dirty Deeds. Thank goodness. Now, it is time for a video package about how great John Cena is.

Cena vs. Rusev for the United States Title. In Soviet Russia, chain drags you. John Cena will never give up. I know this, because it says so on Cena's little blue towel.

This is a chain match. You win by dragging your opponent to all four corners. WWE has red and green lights on the turnbuckles, because fans can't be trusted to count to four.

Pro Tip: When you challenge a competitive weightlifter to a speciality match, make it a chain match.

Lawler and JBL point out you need to keep track of where the chain is in this type of match. Yeah, I guess that's why they STRAP THE CHAIN TO YOUR WRIST.

Cena and Rusev trade submission holds in the center of the ring, in a match where submissions don't count. This is where you get the stereotype of professional wrestlers being dumb.

There's only one possible finish for a chain match, and here it is. Cena touches the fourth corner to retain the United States title. The American flag drops from the ceiling. All is well.

Renee Young is backstage with Roman Reigns. "Roman, you're facing a 7 foot, 450 pound monster in a Last Man Standing match later tonight." "That's true, Renee. But at least I wasn't dumb enough to challenge John Cena to a chain match."

Time for the Divas title match. Nikki Bella vs. Naomi McCray. Naomi sure seems confident in her booty...I mean, in herself.

The commentary here consists of JBL and Lawler commenting on Naomi's boots. That's right, her boots. Maybe those two need a break.

Brie kicks Naomi in the head and Nikki scores the pin. The Bellas win two-on-one, as babyfaces do.

Backstage, Rusev yells at Lana and tells her to get lost. Lana gets angry and goes to report Rusev to the principal. Or the Authority. Whichever.

Time for the last man standing match. Big Show plans to turn Roman Reigns into an epic fail. He'd have to travel back to 2009, when people were still saying that.

This match has a story behind it. Big Show has a fear of tables, dating back to when he lost that tables match to Cody Rhodes a few years back. What? Hey, it makes more sense this way.

To heck with tables and chairs. I'm ready for wrestlers to branch out. We need guys hitting each other with closet organizers and garden gnomes.

Reigns spears Show through a table, and through a barricade, and through the Spanish announce table, then overturns the other announce table on Show and stands on him so he can't make the ten count. Oh, that's not fair.

We get an ad for "The Marine 4" starring The Miz. Man, that film sounded bad, but showing clips of it just makes it worse.

I'm not saying these "Tough Enough" audition videos are bad, but I'd swear I saw William Hung in there.

And now, it's a visit from Bo Dallas. He's not booked for this show, but he DID stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night.

And here comes Ryback to take care of Bo Dallas. At least it ended quickly.

Ad for WWE Network, who has five new shows this week. Wait. They were serious about that?

Lana has returned from the principal's office. It's Cena vs. Rusev in an "I Quit" match at Payback in three weeks. That's bound to be better than what we saw earlier.

Main event time. If Orton had banned sneering for this match, Rollins would be in real trouble.

Andy Welter asks on Twitter: "So Rusev says something in Russian and Lana intentionally mistranslates it as "I Quit". That's the finish right?"

Not any more, it isn't. You ruined it.

What's worse, JBL referencing a 30 year old David Letterman bit, or the fact that I understood him?

It's WWE's two top wrestlers battling for the World Heavyweight Title inside a steel cage. Of course, the announcers are talking about the creepy guy in the suit at ringside.

J&J Security come to ringside to save their man. Unfortunately, Orton has no friends to help. But Randy does get to grab Rollins by the hair and superplex the champ.

Randy can't hit the RKO, but he can use the Pedigree. Seth kicks out. If Orton follows up with the Go To Sleep, the place will explode.

Rollins accidentally hits Kane. Mercury and Noble try to stop Kane and get chokeslammed. And Kane chokeslams Orton. And Rollins. That's always good. What if Hogan and Savage were fighting for the title, and Superstar Billy Graham came to rinsgide and took them both out?

Rollins hit Orton with an RKO, and crawls out of the cage for the win. The announcers point out the obvious, that the RKO was banned for this match. Controversy!

Okay, that'll do it for tonight. Join James & Greg for the postgame show at the bottom of the hour. VIP members, be patient. The roundtable goes up in an hour or so.

We suggest these recent related articles...

McNEILL's Late Night Deadblog - WWE Night of Champions: Bucklebombs, Light-up Jackets, Poachers, IcoPro, Eddie, more!

Night of Gold: McNEILL Previews Night Of Champions 2015 (w/Wrestling History Lesson)

Double Duty: McNEILL previews ROH's All-Star Extravaganza VII pay-per-view!