By Pat McNeill, PWTorch columnist

Wake the pets and call the neighbors, it's time for our exclusive WWE pay-per-view projections!

DISCLAIMER: Projections are based on what the columnist would do if he were booking this event, instead of Paul "Authority" Levesque, Runjin Singh and WWE President Bats--- Crazy Vince McMahon. Projections are not predictions, because this is the column where everything's made up and the points don't matter. This preview has been sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today. Some of our departing contestants will receive a selection of billfolds from the Amity Leather Products Company. Remember, if it's stamped "Amity", it's leather. Pat McNeill's wardrobe provided by Pierre Cardin. Remember, this is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing. These predictions are based on what the columnist would do if he had creative control over WWE, except for where he hires Lexie Fyfe to book the divas division.

The big question going into this weekend is the status of WWE Intercontinental Champion Daniel Bryan. It's been a rough year for the bearded brawler. Bryan suffered a serious neck injury and had major surgery. His father died. His friend, Connor Michalek, died. His house was robbed. Pete Carroll called for a pass at the goal line instead of handing the ball of Lynch. Bryan suffered another neck injury. His spouse was killed in an accident with a semi-truck. (Wait...That last one was Meredith Grey. Sorry about that.)

If Bryan has to have another surgery, or is otherwise unable to continue as a pro wrestler, he'll be sad. We, as fans, will also be sad. But the people who cheered Bryan to victory at the last two WrestleManias should not lose heart. Without the Yes movement, Daniel Bryan would not have the financial security that came from his title wins and merchandise sales. You people have improved Daniel Bryan's life, and given him a better future. That's pretty impressive.

Before we preview the show, let's get to this month's edition of the Wrestling History Lesson, because that's why many of you clicked here in the first place. Twenty years ago, on April 24, 1995, the World Wrestling Federation presented Monday Night Raw live from Omaha, Nebraska. Your main event saw the newest Hall of Famer, Kevin "Diesel" Nash, defend his WWF Heavyweight Title against the biggest member of the Million Dollar Corporation, Bam Bam Bigelow. Vince McMahon and Jerry Lawler had the call.





What was happening in World Wrestling Entertainment fifteen years ago? I'm glad you asked! On April 25, 2000, the World Wrestling Federation taped that week's episode of WWF Smackdown at the Charlotte Coliseum in Charlotte, North Carolina. On that show, it was Matt Hardy against Jeff Hardy for the WWF Hardcore Title. Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler had the call.



Did you catch this week's episode of Thursday Night Smackdown No? Watch it now (sort of). The main event is Roman Reigns & Dean Ambrose against Seth Rollins & Luke Harper in a big Shield reunion party. Tom Phillips, Bryon Saxton and Jerry Lawler have the call. (If you want to see it, hurry, because WWE will have it down in about fifteen minutes. Or less.)



Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler and John B. Layfield will be announcing the show, which means Tom Phillips, Byron Saxton and Booker T are NOT announcing. On with the program!

Tyson Kidd & Antonio Cesaro (w/ Natalya Kidd) vs. The New Day (Big E & Kofi Kingston w/ Xavier Woods) for the WWE World Tag Team Titles: WWE has stopped trying to turn Kidd & Cesaro heel. Hey, when you have a Swiss strongman, a Canadian cat lover and a farting second generation lady wrestler, what's not to love? Projection? The champs hit Kofi with a giant swing/dropkick combo to retain the championships in about ten minutes.

Daniel Bryan vs. Wade Barrett (WWE Intercontinental Title - Extreme Wrestling Match): Daniel Bryan is injured, and WWE isn't talking about it. This means one of three things. 1) Bryan's been cleared to wrestle, and he beats Barrett. 2) Bryan's neck is in bad shape, and he'll be in the ring just long enough to put Wade Barrett over for the title. Or... Projection? 3) Daniel Bryan is out for at least the next six weeks, which means he forfeits the title right back to Bad News Barrett. Barrett defends the title Monday night on Raw from Green Bay.

Dean Ambrose vs. Luke Harper (Rosemont Street Fight): There's no reason why Ambrose and Harper can't have a good streetfight, if they're given enough time. And with Bryan and Barrett probably being held off of this event, there's no reason not to give Ambrose and Harper the time they need. Projection? Ambrose and Harper beat the dog out of each other, and Ambrose wins with the Dirty Deeds.

Dolph Ziggler vs. Sheamus (Kiss My Arse Match): Finally, it's a match that only Vince McMahon would love. I'm sure these two can deliver a good bout, but I'm pretty sure I don't want to see either man deliver on the stipulation. Projection? Sheamus wins with the Brogue Kick, because this is WWE. Someone needs to save Ziggler afterwards, so I nominate Erick Rowan for the job. That ought to keep the Irish Instigator busy for a couple of weeks..

Nikki Bella vs. Naomi McCray (WWE Divas Title): Maybe you haven't noticed this, but Nikki and Brie Bella are babyfaces once again. And, against twins like the Bellas, somebody needs to step up and counter Brie's influence. Projection? Cameron interferes, and Naomi surprises Nikki with a headscissors driver for the win and the title change. Yes, if Naomi's going to be a heel, putting her back with Cameron is just the thing to get fans to turn on Mrs. Uso.

Roman Reigns vs. The Big Show (Last Man Standing Match): We're in Chicago, (sort of) so we need to incorporate the city into the show. Plus, we can't use the duct tape finish, or the finish where a guy gets buried under the announcer tables. Let's get original. Projection? Reigns and Show fight all over the building and into the parking garage. Reigns spears Show, then drives Dan Akroyd's Bluesmobile and parks it on the giant so Big Show can't answer the ten count. Done and done.

John Cena vs. Alexander Rusev (w/ Lana B. Anthony) - WWE United States Title, Russian Chain Match: I know, I know. Everybody wants to see C.M. Punk run in and whip John Cena with a steel chain. Sorry, I don't think that one's going to happen any time soon. Projection? Rusev drags Cena around the ring, but Cena touches all four posts to escape with his life and his US Title. Rusev gets cycled down to the midcard for a couple of months. (Don't worry, he'll be back.)

Seth Rollins vs. Randy Orton (WWE World Heavyweight Title - Steel Cage - No RKO, No Authority): We've spent the past three weeks teasing that Kane is not getting along with Seth Rollins, and the Big Red Machine going to turn babyface again. After watching the whole McMahon family authority figure storyline for the past sixteen years, you ought to know what that means. Projection? Orton goes to escape the cage and win the title, but Kane slams the cage door on the Viper's head and saves The Authority's bacon again.

Aftermath: You realize we have another pay-per-view in three weeks? And, there are already ads implying we'll see Rollins vs. Orton vs. Reigns at Payback. Let's throw in Randy Orton vs. Kane in an Inferno match and probably Ryback against Bray Wyatt.

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Pat McNeill has been a PWTorch Columnist since 2001. He lives in Greenville, South Carolina. He'd take Houston over Dallas in the Sunday night NBA playoff game. You know, if gambling were legal.

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