By Pat McNeill, PWTorch columnist

We hope you've enjoyed all 147 hours of our WrestleMania coverage thus far. PWTorch Columnist Pat McNeill will be by at about 6:30 PM Eastern to help take this home. May God have mercy on our souls.

Welcome. Thanks to the magic of technology, I'm going to skip ahead to the actual matches on the preshow. Renee Young is providing the hard sell. Booker T is, well, being himself. Byron Saxton is not adding anything useful to the conversation. Away we go!

It's time for the WWE Tag Team Title match. You know, there's something special about watching New Day's entrance on the big stage, and then watching nobody care about The New Day.

Cole tells us each team has a 25% chance of winning. I want WWE to book a six-way tag title match, so we can see Cole bust out his abacus.

Jey Uso is taken out with an injury. Cole wonders what this does to the Usos' chances. (2 into 25, carry the one...)

We will have over 70,000 people in attendance. We promise! This is Northern California. People are fashionably late here.

Naomi has decided to team with Jey. The highspot here is Natalya putting Torito in the sharpshooter. Let's get a quick round of Everyone Hits His Finisher in.

"In NASCAR we call this a car wreck." Well, JBL, here we call it two and a half stars.

Cesaro makes a blind tag and steals the pin on Langston. Really, that was the correct finish.

We skip ahead. Here's Jon Gruden predicting the Andre the Giant Battle Royal. No offense, but can't we get Jaworski's pick instead?

The ring's filling up. Lawler takes Henry. JBL picks Ryback. The battle royal is underway.

Curtis Axel gets eliminated first. Itami getting in to the Battle Royal would have been more impressive if Los Matadores hadn't snuck in unannounced.

Miz & Mizdow eliminate Alex Riley. Well, this is getting meta. Bo Dallas was eliminated from the battle royal before people realized he was in the match.

Big Show drops Itami. The announcers point out Itami has a bright future, as long as he's not in the ring with Big Show.

The Ascension eliminate Mark Henry. Ryback eliminates The Ascension. Cesaro eliminates Kane. Big Show runs amok, eliminating everyone except Miz and Mizdow.

Remember, you can follow all the #WM31 coverage via social media by using the hashtag #WaitIThoughtWeSoldOutTheUpperDeck.

Mizdow won't help Miz gang up on the Big Show. Normally, I'd be all for Mizdow standing up for himself, but he just left himself alone against Big Show in a battle royal.

"This might be the first time Big Show wins a battle royal." There's so much wrong with that sentence.

Sandow gives it all, but Show topples the bearded stunt double and wins the Andre the Giant Battle Royal. As a result of this victory, Paul Wight has officially been renamed The Big Preshow.

Now is when we skip ahead a whole lot, until we hit the actual show. Excuse me.


"Tune in on Raw to find out who won at WrestleMania..." Really, WWE Network? REALLY?

"America the Beautiful" this year is sung by Aloe Blacc. Or as Mr. McMahon calls him, "the guy who sings on that headphone commercial."

LL Cool J is your host. Mr. McMahon signed off on it once they explained Bill Cosby was unavailable.

Three years ago, Daniel Bryan appeared in the opening match at WrestleMania. We've come a long way since...Oops. No, we haven't.

JBL just busted out a Manute Bol reference. He's in midseason form!

The Intercontinental Title match is your opener. JBL points out that Ziggler has beaten Bryan twice in a row, which is newsworthy because Dolph never beats anyone twice in a row.

Stardust brought his own ladder. Gee, I knew Vince cut the budget due to WWE Network, but I had no idea...

By the way, go follow Scotty Riggs at @KeepNItHeel. His check cleared.

I think Harper just killed Dean Ambrose.

Suddenly, the other six wrestlers start climbing as if Kidman just gave the ref the "go home" command. Bryan and Ziggler fight atop the ladder, Bryan headbutts Dolph like he was Nigel McGuinness, knocks Ziggler down, and grabs the Intercontinental Title.

Gee, if Bryan winning the I/C Title gets that large a crowd reaction, just imagine how loud it will get for the important matches. Right, Vince?

Randy Orton vs. Seth Rollins is next. It's kind of silly for these two guys to fight over who is the "face of WWE" when we all know the face of WWE is fighting Sting later.

We get some good action here while JBL explains that Seth Rollins is a younger, better, less sociopathic version of Randy Orton.

Rollins kicks out of the RKO. Kids, I have a bad feeling about this. Noble & Mercury interfere, right in front of the ref. Lawler explains this is not a DQ "because it's WrestleMania." Thanks, King.

Orton suckers Rollins in for a curbstomp, launches Seth twelve feet in the air, and hits the RKO for the win. That was awesome, but can anyone top that?

Not to worry. Triple H is next.

Triple H tells us he's given his blood, sweat, tears and passion for WWE. And his semen.

Time for Sting's entrance. Cool. Now I know what Blue Man Group does on its day off.

Looks like someone brought his Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Sting jacket to WrestleMania.

Time for Hunter's entrance. This was one contingency Sting didn't plan for: Triple H in his Skynet Conan costume.

After that display, you know Roman Reigns has to be rethinking his "Emperor's New Groove" entrance later in the program.

Since this is their first meeting, both wrestlers agreed to limit their repertoire to moves Michael Cole knows the name of.

Sting no-sells. Triple H gives Sting his "I thought we went over this" face.

Triple H screws up, gets caught in the sharpshooter by Sting, and the DX music plays. It's Old Timers Day at Levi's Stadium! Nope, Sting beats up DX.

Cue the porno music. Here comes the Middle-Aged World Order! This will be settled...on the golf course.

If The Nexus comes out to interfere in this match, I quit.

Nope, it's Shawn Michaels with a superkick to Sting. Sting kicks out. Apparently, this is awesome. Sting damages Hunter's sledgehammer with a bit.

Wait! Here comes Lex Luger, driving his red, white and blue bus to the ring! There's no stopping the Lex Expr...Yes, I'm joking. But I made you look.

Hunter wins with the sledgehammer. Tune in for WrestleMania 45, when we fight this WWE-WCW battle all over again.

Coming to WWE Network, the 2015 Diva Search. You know what this means?" Somebody's horny.

Backstage, all the former Intercontinental Champions celebrate with Daniel Bryan. Wait. Where's Chyna?

It's a musical number. The gods of fast forward have been kind to me.

WrestleMania is being brought to you by Mountain Dew Kickstarter. Kickstarter comes in Fruit Punch, Citrus and new Crystal Meth flavor.

Your next match is AJ Lee & Paige vs. The Bellas. Well, it's about time. Paige does the cannonball off the ring apron onto the Bellas, and that's probably going to be the highlight of the match.

AJ makes Nikki tap to the Black Widow. This feud must continue.

We get a video recapping the Hall of Fame. This is the sort of video package WWE does better than anyone else.

Time for the US Title match. If John Cena doesn't come to the ring wearing the Apollo Creed outfit from Rocky IV, I'll be disappointed.

Rusev gets a big entrance, complete with fake soldiers and a miniature tank.

I'm not saying Cena wins here, but Al Michaels is on his way to ringside to take over for Cole.

You realize, if Ronald Reagan were alive, he'd be making a fortune on voiceovers.

United States Title match. Cena stuns Rusev with a belly-to-belly suplex and gets the cover...Oops. Sorry. Jim Crockett flashback there. Where were we?

Good back and forth match so far. The crowd, of course, is cheering for Lana.

I have a great idea for the next WWE T-shirt. "John Cena: At Least He's American."

Rusev comes off the top rope. Cena kicks out. Have you tried kicking John in the balls again? That worked last month.

Nope. Attitude Adjustment. John Cena is your new WWE United States Champion.

WrestleMania 32 is in Dallas. You've been warned.

80 minutes to go, and two matches remaining. It's time to stall. Since Larry Zbyzsko already left, let's go to our preshow panel and kill some time.

The Rock is here. How can we make sure he gets cheered this time? I know. He can interrupt Triple H & Stephanie.

Yes, I figured it out. We can't start the next match until it gets dark. Did you SEE Undertaker's entrance at WrestleMania 9? It wasn't pretty.

I think the biggest story of the night is that Stephanie just called her father "Vince McMahon Junior."

Steph slaps The Rock. The Rock fetches Ronda Rousey out of the crowd. Rock does a good job of pretending the crowd came up with this idea. Stephanie, for her part, tries to bluff her way out of this.

No dice. The Authority takes a beating from the Rock 'n Rousey Connection.

That Terminator movie looks pretty swank.

Up next is Undertaker vs. Bray Wyatt. Bray is "The New Face of Fear." Did Kevin Sullivan sign off on that? I don't know if Bray's making an entrance, or if they're about to reenact the "Thriller" video with scarecrows.

What if Undertaker comes out, and he looks like Bryan Cranston?

Fortunately, the Dead Man looks better than he did last year. Lawler is quick to point this out. Then again, the bell hasn't rung yet.

Undertaker takes over from the opening bell, which makes sense. Look, nobody showed up tonight to see Undertaker sell for Bray Wyatt.

Mr. Eater of Worlds gets in a lot of offense (and I mean a LOT of offense) before Undertaker hits the Tombstone. Bray kicks out. Undertaker gets to kick out of Wyatt's finisher, but that's not the same thing.

The second Tombstone finishes the match. Undertaker wins, but I think he just *made* Bray Wyatt.

Chris Jericho's podcast is on WWE Network next week. That's great, but Jericho's podcast and Steve Austin's podcast aren't the same thing.

Time for Brock Lesnar vs. Roman Reigns. Put Reigns in a 70,000 seat stadium, and coming in through the crowd doesn't seem like such a great idea.

Jerry Lawler says Roman Reigns has never wrestled in front of a crowd this size (except for last year in New Orleans, when he did.)

The WWE champion is scheduled to appear on the "Today Show" tomorrow. With any luck, Matt Lauer goes through a table.

I'm not sure, but I think the crowd is behind Brock Lesnar. Lesnar takes a big punch, and I mean a SHOT, from Reigns. And that's it. German suplex, F-5, overhead suplex. Is it wrong that I'm enjoying this?

Reigns gets a few good shots in, but Brock is back in charge. A second F-5. Reigns kicks out. You know, people have dogged Roman, but he's got that whole "glassy-eyed" expression down pat.

Third F-5, Reigns kicks out. Some fans are getting behind Reigns.

Roman hits three Superman punches. Two spears. Lesnar kicks out. F-5 by Brock...and here comes Seth Rollins.

Rollins cashes in the briefcase. Curbstomp to Brock. Nope. Can't get the pin. Lesnar has Rollins up for the F-5. Reigns spears Lesnar. Rollins curbstomps Reigns, pins Reigns, and becomes WWE champion.

THAT was awesome.

Seth Rollins is no longer the future of WWE. He's the present.

Well, that's a wrap. Join James and Greg at the bottom of the hour on PWTorchLivecast.com. VIP members, I'm off to do the roundtable. You'll hear it in about 90 minutes. Good night.

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