By Pat McNeill, PWTorch columnist

Wake the pets and call the neighbors, it's time for our exclusive WWE pay-per-view projections!

DISCLAIMER: Projections are based on what the columnist would do if he were booking this event, instead of Paul "NXT Fanservice" Levesque, Runjin Singh and WWE President Cranky Vince McMahon. Projections are not predictions, because this is the column where everything's made up and the points don't matter. This preview has been sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today. Some of our departing contestants will receive a supply of Borateem laundry detergent. Borateem brightens the colors, whitens the whites, and cleans it all. Pat McNeill's wardrobe provided by Augustus. Remember, this is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing. These predictions are based on what the columnist would do if he had creative control over WWE, except for where a whole lot of "developmental" WWE wrestlers get called up to Raw and Smackdown.

Let me see if I have this straight. We've now reached the point where the nine matches signed for WrestleMania will require a total of six hours to fit them all in? I know that it's technically a two hour pre-show and a four hour main show, but it's all coming from the same stadium and being broadcast on the same network. We've moved past WrestleMania. This is bordering on WrestleManiaStock. I figure by next year, the McMahons can move Fan Axxess and the NXT matches into the stadium on the same weekend and broadcast the whole three days. That'll teach Ring of Honor and World Wrestling Network to horn in on WWE's cash cow.

Before we get down to business, let's get to this month's edition of the Wrestling History Lesson, because that's why many of you clicked here in the first place. Twenty years ago, on April 2, 1995, the World Wrestling Federation presented WrestleMania XI live from Hartford, Connecticut. Your opening bout saw the Allied Powers of Lex Luger & the late Davey Boy Smith against Zebediah Colter's team of twins, Jacob Blu & Eli Blue. Vince McMahon and Jerry Lawler had the call.



What was happening in World Wrestling Entertainment fifteen years ago? I'm glad you asked! On March 27, 2000, the World Wrestling Federation held its Monday Night Raw show live in Houston, Texas. This show featured the latest chapter in a hardcore war with the late Crash Holly defending his WWF 24/7 championship against Bob Holly. (Stay tuned after that, and you'll see one of our newest WWE Hall of Famers.) Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler had the call.


Raw is war 27/03/2000 part 4/9 by mohanedkingofkings

Did you catch this week's episode of Thursday Night Smackdown No? Watch it now (sort of). The main event is John Cena, Roman Reigns, Daniel Bryan & Mark Henry vs. Seth Rollins, Bray Wyatt, Kane & The Big Show in a big eight-man tag. Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler have the call. (If you want to see it, hurry, because WWE will have it down in about fifteen minutes. Or less.)



Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler and John B. Layfield will be announcing the show, while Booker T does the two-hour preshow and predicts the evening's Shucky Ducky Quack Quack moment (I'm guessing the Bellas are involved). On with the program!

Tyson Kidd & Antonio Cesaro (w/ Natalya Kidd) vs. The New Day (Big E & Kofi Kingston w/ Xavier Woods) vs. Los Matadores (Diego & Fernando w/ El Torito) vs. The Usos (Jimmy & Jey Uso w/ Naomi Uso) for the WWE World Tag Team Titles: The Usos are banged up, the New Day is flatter than week-old Canada Dry, and Los Matadores are, well, Los Matadores. Projection? Things break down into a brawl, during which the champs hit Diego with a giant swing/dropkick combo to retain the championships. And yes, I project the champs will be cheered.

2nd Annual Andre The Giant Memorial Battle Royal: Your announced participants are The Miz, Curtis Axel, Ryback, Fandango, Adam Rose, Zack Ryder, Jack Swagger, Titus O'Neil, Darren Young, Big Show, Kane, Erick Rowan, Damien Mizdow, Sin Cara, Goldust, Heath Slater, Mark Henry, Konnor, Viktor & Hideo Itami. Where the hell is Brad Maddox? Or Alex Riley? Or Bo Dallas? There's no justice in the WWE Universe. Projection? The big guns knock out each other. Damien Mizdow survives a late surge by The Miz to capture the trophy. Miz tries to break the trophy over Damien's head, but can't lift it. (It's a large trophy.)

The Bella Twins vs. A.J. Lee-Punk & Paige Knight: I know the Bellas have dominated the divas division over the past six months, to an embarrassing degree, and that the tide needs to turn. Then again, I know we need some heels going over on this show. More importantly, I know who the Bellas are dating. Projection? Nikki catches A.J. with a Bella Buster, and the dominant divas win again, some more. Then Charlotte shows up on Raw and squashes Nikki to win the Divas title. Why mess with a perfectly good booking pattern?

Randy Orton vs. Seth Rollins: There's go need reason for Randy Orton to beat the crap out of Seth Rollins on Raw, like he did a couple of weeks ago> Unless...that's all Randy Orton is going to get from this feud. Projection? Rollins rolls up Orton with a double handful of tights, and then the face of WWE ends up working Bray Wyatt at house shows for a while.

The Undertaker vs. Bray Wyatt: All the promos, the light shows, the pyro and the druids have certainly redeemed Bray Wyatt as a top level star in the minds of WWE fans. Haven't they? No? Projection? Undertaker wins by chokeslam in nine minutes. Hey, if you don't believe me, you try booking Bray Wyatt in a long singles match. WWE should gave The Ascension to Bray as a consolation prize, unless they plan on releasing Konor & Victor in time for them to work the May 8th episode of TNA Impact.

Wade "Bad News" Barrett vs. Dean Ambrose vs. Daniel Bryan vs. Dolph Ziggler vs. Luke Harper vs. R-Truth vs. Stardust Rhodes (WWE Intercontinental Title - Ladder Match): You know, there was a time when wrestling fans actually looked forward to multi-person ladder matches at WrestleMania. Good thing WWE Creative nipped that one in the bud. Projection? Daniel Bryan gets another WrestleMania moment by literally climbing over Wade Barrett to retrieve the belt. This WrestleMania moment may not be as big a deal for Bryan as last year's WrestleMania moment.

Alexander Rusev vs. John Cena (WWE United States Title): Look, I know many of you in our readership aren't fans of John Cena. But Cena's character is fighting for truth, justice and the American way against this godless Bolshevik Bulgarian, and I think we need to side with him this once. Whaddya say? Projection? John Cena comes down to ringside with Lana, and the two make out in front of Rusev, which throws the strong-style bear off his game so John can hit the Attitude Adjustment and win the title. The bit where Lana does her best Nickla Roberts impression, betrays Cena and sides with Samoa Joe can wait until Survivor Series. At least, I hope it can wait that long.

Sting vs. Triple H: We sometimes think the worst of The Game, but not even he should be able to screw this one up. Projection? The pace is deliberate. The Icon outmaneuvers the Cerebral Assassin several times, and Hunter calls in the Authority crew as backups. Randy Orton and Dolph Ziggler make the save, chasing off Seth Rollins, Big Show and friends. Sting kicks out of the Pedigree and wins with the Scorpion Death Drop. All is well.

Brock Lesnar (w/ Paul Heyman) vs. Roman Reigns (WWE World Heavyweight Title): We know Brock Lesnar has signed a new three-year contract with WWE. Unfortunately, WWE has not told us how many matches per year Brock will be wrestling. So, I have laid out two possible scenarios.

Projection One: Let's say WWE has gone all in on Brock Lesnar, and signed the former UFC champion to do ten matches a year for the next three years. If that happens, WWE has a clear, direct path. Lesnar beats Roman Reigns at Levis Stadium, clean. Then the heavyweight champ has successful title defenses against Seth Rollins, Sheamus and Randy Orton, and we pick up this discussion on August 1st. Or...

Projection Two: Brock Lesnar is back for four more matches next year. Since we only had seven WWE Heavyweight Title matches in our last twelve pay-per-views, it is time for a change. Which means we don't get another year of our champion vanishing for sixty days at a time. So, we have Lesnar beat Roman Reigns down for much of the match. Reigns keeps hanging on, and hanging in, until he surprises Brock with a spear and becomes WWE Champion.

Aftermath of Projection Two: Monday night on Raw, Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman approach The Authority to claim Brock's immediate rematch for the WWE Title. Triple H is not there. Stephanie McMahon and Kane are. Stephanie tells Lesnar that if he wants a shot at Brock Lesnar, he'll have to wait. Lesnar takes offense and storms off. We'll see Brock again in July.

Seth Rollins is in next, demanding his shot at Roman Reigns. Stephanie wants none of that, saying that Rollins and company have failed her and failed Triple H. Kane is staying with Stephanie as WWE General Manager. The rest of the crew are on their own.

Reigns gets the final segment to celebrate his championship victory. Roman says he took a beating last night at WrestleMania, but if Lesnar wants a rematch, he can have one. Lesnar does not come out. Seth Rollins does. Seth tells the audience he is the one who will defeat Roman Reigns, because Rollins is cashing in his Money In The Bank briefcase for a no disqualification title shot against Reigns, next week on Raw from Texas.

On the April 6th episode of Raw, it's Reigns vs. Rollins for the title. Paul Heyman shows up at the commentary table. Reigns is stronger, but Rollins pulls out all the stops. We see Big Show come to ringside. Mark Henry comes to ringside to keep an eye on Show. Big Show enters the ring. Henry goes in after Show. Reigns goes to Henry's side...and Big Show knocks out Seth Rollins with a single punch. Henry then hits Rollins with the World's Strongest Slam, and Reigns makes the cover. Heyman enters the ring to tell the members of the WWE Universe that Mark Henry and Big Show believe in Roman Reigns, and Roman Reigns believes in Paul Heyman.

Roman Reigns, with Paul Heyman at his side, defends the WWE Title against Seth Rollins at Extreme Rules.

Believe that.

***
Pat McNeill has been a PWTorch Columnist since 2001. He lives in Greenville, South Carolina. He'd take Duke and Louisville in tomorrow's college basketball matchups. You know, if gambling were legal.

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