By Pat McNeill, PWTorch columnist

The posers are off watching the Academy Awards, but PWTorch Columnist Pat McNeill is here with his live blog of WWE Fastlane 2015. Here's hoping this blog is funnier than the red carpet at the Oscars:

BREAKING NEWS: The Rock, Eva Marie & Cameron are at the Oscars. Well, I'm sorry Rock won't make it tonight. The other two? Not so much.

Did You Know?: Sheamus won the Royal Rumble three years ago. Really. You can look it up.

Time for MizTV. What's with the ovation for Miz? Did I completely misjudge...Oh. False alarm. They're cheering for Mizdow.

Heyman thinks Miz is afraid of Brock Lesnar. Well, duh. Miz reminds Heyman that he won the main event of WrestleMania four years ago. Yeah, I completely forgot about that too.

Heyman builds up Roman Reigns as the toughest, baddest member of one of the greatest families in the business. But Brock Lesnar will beat Reigns anyway. Heyman builds up the opponent, so it's more impressive when Lesnar's able to beat him. What a concept! Is Triple H writing this down?

If WWE still wants to save money, they could let Heyman do the whole pregame show by himself next month.

This month's WWE pay-per-view intro is brought to you by Speed Racer.

WWE tells us again that WrestleMania is the greatest live event in entertainment. Take that, Academy Awards!

We open with Ziggler, Rowan & Ryback against Rollins, Kane & Big Show. You know, in case you missed the last month of WWE television.

Cole points out Seth Rollins can cash in his Money In The Bank title shot at any time. (Except for the 350 nights a year where Lesnar isn't here.)

JBL yells at the babyfaces for being dumb enough to stand up to The Authority and get themselves fired. Michael Cole explains to JBL that the WWE Universe isn't the "real world." Well, it's about time.

Cole get annoyed with JBL and tells Jerry Lawler to go ahead with his one-liners to cut off Layfield. He immediately regrets this decision.

Crap. Lost the feed. I just got WWE Net-worked.

Okay, we're back. Ziggler is running amok until Show gives him the knockout punch. Kane beats Dolph. This is why I don't bet on wrestling. You know, other than the obvious reasons.

The bad guys beat down Dolph after the match, until Randy Orton hears the dozen fans chanting for him and makes the save.

Five weeks from now, I'm going to be really, REALLY sick of this year's WrestleMania theme song.

Earlier tonight, Paul Heyman announced that Brock Lesnar is skipping WrestleMania and showing up at Extreme Rules. (Okay, maybe not.)

You know all those times we thought there was a skinny person inside Dusty Rhodes trying to come out? Big Dust finally made the jailbreak.

Last week, Stardust announced that Cody Rhodes is dead. Nope. That's just Cody's career.

Michael Cole gets The Godfather mixed up with Lord of the Rings. I think I just figured out why Cole's not presenting at the Oscars.

Goldust vs. Stardust. Either the Memphis crowd doesn't care about this match, or the cicadas have come out ten years early.

Goldust pins Stardust with a crucifix. Oh, good. I hate it when pro wrestling matches break down into violence.

Last week, Seth Rollins said he could do a show like Jon Stewart's, except watchable. Sorry, Seth. Colbert did that years ago.

Cody beats up Goldust backstage. Oh, good. I was worried that this feud might end.

Usos vs. Cesaro & Tyson. You can talk about this match on social media by using the hashtag #NeverDoubleDateWithTheKidds.

The crowd still seems quiet. I knew it was a mistake putting this match up against a new episode of The Walking Dead.

Cesaro & Kidd win the tag team titles cleanly. You know, like heels do. I'm pleasantly surprised WWE figured out something to do with Cesaro & Kidd. And I was serious earlier. They should go in for the matching friendship bracelets.

"Behold the King of Kings." Wait, Steve Corino's here?

Last week on #Raw, Triple H was confronted by That Guy Who Kept Losing to Sting.

Time for the Sting-Triple H confrontation. Okay, I can figure out Why WWE can't have Sting come out to "Seek & Destroy" by Metallica. I'm less sure why Sting can't come out to "Fake Theme From the Crow" by WCW Music.

Triple H says he feels sorry for Sting. You know, because Sting spent a decade working for Dixie Carter.

I'm not sure, but I think Triple H just offered Sting a WWE Legends contract.

Triple H beats up Sting. Sting beats up Triple H, and points to the WrestleMania sign. The over/under on Sting speaking was one word. If you took the under, you win! Congratulations.

Last week on Raw, the WWE Shop came up with the idea for Pale Diva Barbie with fashion outfits. It should be out in time for Christmas.

Paige has Nikki set up for the PTO, but can't hold on to the champ. It's all that spray tan. Nikki gets the win with a handful of, um, fishnet stockings. Um, I lost my train of thought for a second.

We have breaking news from Michael Cole. Sting vs. Triple H has been signed for WrestleMania! And Sting didn't even have to zip tie Hunter to the ringpost!

It's Ambrose vs. Barrett in the Dueling Fake Newscasters Match. We haven't had one of these since Norm McDonald vs. Craig Kilborn.

JBL doesn't think Dean Ambrose minds being kicked in the face. I noticed JBL isn't heading over there to ask Dean in person.

Cole says Ambrose is looking to add the InterContinental Title to his resume. Where will Dean submit that job application? Lucha Underground?

Barrett beats Ambrose after Dean is disqualified for beating Barrett up too much, or something like that.

Time for Roman Reigns vs. Daniel Bryan. Wait, that's not Reigns' music. And since when does Roman have druids?

No, it's Bray Wyatt doing his version of the Undertaker entrance. (It's not bad.)

No, it's Bray Wyatt doing his version of the Undertaker entrance. (It's not bad.) Renee Young thinks Bray is calling out The Undertaker. The panel sure is awful certain that the Dead Man will come back and answer Wyatt.

Sadly, I completely forgot that John Cena had a match tonight. Promo package. Lana says John Cena looks stronger than ever. No, wait. She was thinking of Vince McMahon.

US Title match. Remember that Rusev has promised to break Cena's spirit, then take Cena's mom out for a nice seafood dinner and never call her again.

For this match, Cena has gone back to his roots. Back to what made him John Cena. (In other words, he's wearing jean shorts.)

Cena and Rusev trade dropkicks. Well, now they're just showing off.

Listening to JBL. I realize I haven't followed boxing lately, but did Floyd Mayweather fight Madonna and I missed it?

"John Cena's been frustrating people for over a decade." Preach on, JBL.

Big moment late in the match as Cena locks in the STF, then leans in to tell Rusev "Hey, m-----f-----, you're supposed to sell here."

(Yes, this is a good match. Don't spoil the flow.)

Cena comes off the top rope, but Rusev catches John and totally Batistas him. Then Rusev hits the low blow while Lana distracts the ref. Rusev locks in the hold, and Cena passes out. I had the right idea, but the wrong match.

Good news for John Cena fans. Cena was walking to the back, and it looks like his crotch will make a full recovery.

Renee Young reminds us that Randy Orton returned earlier tonight, a moment so important that nobody has attempted to interview The Viper since it happened.

Here we go. Reigns vs. Daniel Bryan in the main event, way too late in the show for a proper 20 minute match.

In a Daniel Bryan match, the sign on the marquee says "Wrestling." In a Roman Reigns match, the sign says "Throwing Your Opponent Into Stuff."

This is pretty good, but if you're watching this match, and you're not sure which wrestler is more over, you're probably a member of the McMahon Family.

The two top babyfaces hit each other with everything, until Reigns wins with the spear. I'd complain, but...that was a really good match. Bryan tells Reigns to go on and beat Lesnar at WrestleMania. I like that part. It's a nice touch.

That's it from Memphis. Join James and Greg at the bottom of the hour on PWTorchLivecast.com. VIP members, we'll see you on the Roundtable later tonight.

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