By Pat McNeill, PWTorch columnist

Wake the pets and call the neighbors, it's time for our exclusive WWE pay-per-view projections!

DISCLAIMER: Projections are based on what the columnist would do if he were booking this event, instead of Paul "Hug Monster" Levesque, Runjin Singh and WWE President C. Montgomery Burns McMahon. Projections are not predictions, because this is the column where everything's made up and the points don't matter. This preview has been sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today. Some of our departing contestants will receive a year's supply of Flavor Ice. Pat McNeill's wardrobe provided by The Steve Harvey Collection. Remember, this is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing. These predictions are based on what the columnist would do if he had creative control over WWE, except for where he gets Mr. McMahon together with Dr. Shelby.

If you missed the Wednesday PWTorch Livecast, I teased making my choice for the WrestleMania XXXI main event, but I forgot to give my pick before we went off the air.

Before we get down to business, let's get to this month's edition of the Wrestling History Lesson, because that's why many of you clicked here in the first place. Twenty years ago, on January 22, 1995, the World Wrestling Federation presented the 1995 Royal Rumble at the University of South Florida Sun Dome in Tampa, Florida. On the undercard, we saw the phenom, The Undertaker, in action against Bray Wyatt's father, Irwin R. Schyster! Vince McMahon and Jerry Lawler had the call.



What was happening in World Wrestling Entertainment fifteen years ago? I'm glad you asked! On January 20, 2000, the World Wrestling Federation aired its Smackdown show from Providence, Rhode Island. How about this for a main event? It's The Rock vs. Big Show vs. Kane in a 3 man lumberjack battle royal! Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler had the call.



Did you catch WWE NXT? No? Watch it now. The opening match features NXT Champion Sami Zayn taking on Tye Dillinger. (Sort of.) Rich Brennan, Jason Albert & Corey Graves have the call. (If you want to see it, hurry, because WWE will have it down in about fifteen minutes. Or less.)



Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler and John B. Layfield will be announcing the show, while Booker T appears on the All-Star Panel, I mean, the WWE Network preshow. On with the program!

The New Day (Big E, Kofi Kingston and Xavier Woods) vs. Antonio Cesaro, Tyson Kidd & Adam Rose: These six had a great match on WWE Main Event a couple of weeks back, right before WWE gave up the right to show Main Event on their own network. (Look for WWE Network to air Superstars on Tuesday nights instead, once they realize nobody will be able to tell the difference between the two programs.) Projection? Xavier takes a Giant Swing into a dropkick, and the Undercard Menagerie upsets the New Day.

Also on the preshow, Renee Young chats up The Rock, who says he's here to keep an eye on the proceedings.

New Age Outlaws vs. The Ascension: The first big Raw moment from The Ascension had Konor & Viktor getting walloped by the WWE Tag Team Old Timers. Unless Triple H is about to ship these two back to Orlando inside a crate, they'll need to look a little stronger. It is worth pointing out here that Billy Gunn is the strongest Candy Crush player in the WWE locker room. You know, in case you need to add something to his gimmick. Projection? Konor pins Road Dogg with a handful of tights. and the Legion of Goofs remain undefeated.

Nikki Bella & Briana Bella-Bryan vs. Paige Knight & Natalya Kidd: What does this tag team match tell you? It tells me we'll be dragging out Nikki vs. Paige until WrestleMania. But I guess that's okay. Projection? Nikki pins Nattie after another accidental distraction from Tyson Kidd Neidhart, still busy celebrating his win on the preshow.

The Usos vs. Les Mizerables (WWE Tag Team Titles): I have no dog in this fight, but haven't we seen enough of this feud? Projection? More wacky stunt double antics, ending with Jey splashing Mizanin for the win and successful title defense.

Brock Lesnar vs. John Cena vs. Seth Rollins (WWE World Title - Triple Threat Match): Why is Brock Lesnar turning babyface here? Probably because it doesn't make sense to have Lesnar as a flunky for The Authority. Plus, nobody's booing Brock in Philly tonight. Projection? Lesnar has to fight off Kane and Big Show. Rollins curbstomps Cena and goes for the pin, but Cena rolls Seth up and becomes WWE Champion for the 516th time. Seth wants to cash in his briefcase after the match, but Brock goes all Bruce Banner, blames Rollins for costing him the title, and destroys the other Authority members while Rollins runs away.

Security escorts Lesnar and Heyman out of the building, guaranteeing Brock won't have a role in the next match.

2015 WWE Royal Rumble match, Order of Entry: 1. The Miz. 2. Ryback. 3. D-Von Dudley. 4. Bubba Ray Dudley. 5. Damien Mizdow. 6. Luke Harper. 7. Kofi Kingston. 8. Adam Rose. 9. Fernando. 10. Daniel Bryan. 11. Goldust. 12. Rusev. 13. Dean Ambrose. 14. Fandango. 15. Curtis Axel. 16. Cody Rhodes. 17. Roman Reigns. 18. Sheamus. 19. Jack Swagger. 20. Kane. 21. Chris Jericho. 22. R-Truth. 23. Bad News Barrett. 24. Dolph Ziggler. 25. Titus O'Neil. 26. Big Show. 27. Sin Cara. 28. Bray Wyatt. 29. Rob Van Dam. 30. Diego.

Projection? If the Dudleys are surprise entrants, WWE needs to have them in early, so there's enough time to eliminate both of them before the finish. Miz "accidentally" eliminates Mizdow, which should get him some heat. We need Adam Rose in the Rumble so the Rosebuds can catch Kofi Kingston when he's thrown out, allowing Mr. Kingston to do his annual "feet off the ground" stunt. Bryan needs to overcome the odds, and entering him tenth guarantees Bryan stays in the match for over thirty minutes. Axel is this year's token representative from NXT (no sense using Zayn, Neville, Balor or Itami.) Reigns comes in at Number 17 and starts clearing out the dead wood. Sheamus's exciting return ends when Ziggler dropkicks the Pale Destroyer over the top rope. Bray Wyatt comes out at Number 28 with his new followers, The Ascension. Let's face it, the Eater of Worlds works better as a leader, and leaders need followers. Konor and Viktor pull down the top rope and help Wyatt eliminate Roman Reigns. Roman gets back in and knocks Bray out with the Superman punch. Big Show and Kane start cleaning house.

We arrive at entrant Number 30. Diego's music hits, but there's no Diego. The Matadore's unconscious body is rolled through the curtain by Seth Rollins, who takes the Number 30 spot for himself. Rollins is surprised by an RKO from Sin Cara, who unmasks to reveal (you guessed it) Randy Orton. That leaves Bryan to eliminate Kane and Big Show and win the 2015 Royal Rumble.

Let's face it. Cena vs. Bryan II? THAT's your WrestleMania main event. The company's top two stars fighting over the WWE Title. Daniel Bryan regains the title amid a flurry of "Yes! Yes! Yes!" chants in the same town where he was the mascot for the San Francisco Giants in the World Series. Bryan defeating WWE's top star, in a match where the outcome will be in question until the referee's hand hits the mat for the third time. Welcome to WrestleMania XXXI.

Aftermath: Going into WrestleMania, we're set for Cena vs. Bryan, Lesnar & a partner vs. Kane & Big Show (a slot for a dead man, if he is available.), Sting vs. Triple H, The Rock vs. Rusev, Orton vs. Rollins, Reigns vs. Wyatt and Sheamus vs. Dolph Ziggler.

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Pat McNeill has been a PWTorch Columnist since 2001. He lives in Greenville, South Carolina. He'd take Team Carter over Team Irvin tonight in the NFL Pro Bowl. You know, if gambling were legal.

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