By Pat McNeill, PWTorch columnist

PWTorch Columnist Pat McNeill is here to chronicle the ups and downs of WWE's final pay-per-view of 2014. Let the games begin.

We have our first major issue of the evening. The Roku is slooooooow. Apparently watching a Roku stream and using iDrive are not compatible. Who knew? I get glimpses of The New Day rocking it against Goldust & Stardust. Excuse me for a bit.

We’re off to a flying start. JBL is suspicious of The New Day because, as he puts it, “nobody is that happy all of the time.” Not in Stamford, anyway. I like how Cole plugs the WWE Network, as if non-subscribers are actually bothering to watch this on other platforms.

Lawler and JBL think Stardust looks like The Great Gazoo in his green makeup. This is why WWE is so big with the 18-49 crowd. Although, I’d be okay with Stardust using “Hello, dumb dumb” as his new opening line.

We go to our Pre-Show Panel, where Booker T and Alex Riley are discussing what strategy Ryback should employ in his chairs match with Kane. I can't top that.

Renee Young has BREAKING NEWS! Dolph Ziggler's match will be the opener tonight. This feed is writing itself.

Ohmygosh. More breaking news. Brock Lesnar is actually showing up at Royal Rumble to defend the title. So, I should wait six weeks to subscribe?

Paul Heyman puts over the danger of the tables match. A splinter of table leg could go up John Cena’s nose and into his brain. Not really, but that would have been an awesome line.

We begin with Generic Pay-Per-View Video Package 24B. Michael Cole tells us this is WWE’s version of demolition derby. So, that would make Seth Rollins and Kane the Malachi Brothers, right?

We kick off the show with Harper vs. Ziggler. The King reminds us that Ziggler is wrestling in his hometown, and is therefore about to lose.

If the object of this match is to hit your opponent with the ladder, Harper is way ahead on points. Harper decides to dive through the ropes onto a ladder. This is turning into quite the game of human chess.

Uh, oh. Harper has busted open Ziggler. It's a shame this match is about to be stopped due to...Oh, wait. Never mind.

Harper takes a back bump onto a ladder. He might be rethinking that decision. Cole informs us that Harper is covered in the stains of this match. In other words, he's busted open.

Ziggler wins. You can't take anything away from Luke Harper tonight. Except for, you know, his championship belt.

This week's Tribute To The Troops special features appearances by all the personalities one hopes to avoid by watching wrestling.

Earlier tonight, The Miz talked to Naomi about her career and...Oh for God's sake, just hit on her already and be done with it.

Miz & Mizdow vs. The Usos. Mizdow pretends to take all the bumps Miz is taking. Miz sticks to pretending he can wrestle. Cole gets frustrated with Mizdow, explaining this is a match and not a movie. I already know it's not a WWE movie. For one thing...there's an audience. Miz hits an Uso with a Slammy and gets his team disqualified.

Byron Saxton is backstage to interview Seth Rollins. Rollins is amazed that Saxton still works here. Oh, yeah, and he's going to beat Cena tonight, blah blah blah.

Rowan vs. Big Show. Cole and Lawler break down the stairs match by analyzing the stairs. The ringside stairs are 275 pounds. On another planet. Where there's a lot more gravity.

Remember, you can comment on this match via social media by using the hashtag #TimeForNachos!

Show uses one set of stairs on Rowan. Rowan uses the other set on Show. Both men are counted out when they can't figure out how to get back in the ring. (Yes, Wade, I'm kidding.)

Okay, we've used all the stairs. There's nowhere else to go with this concept until WWE builds a ring with a second story. Big Show wins.

Cole tells us our next match is John Cena vs. Seth Rollins. Um...what?

Don't worry, Paul Heyman has made his way to ringside to get to the bottom of all this. Hey, maybe WWE has decided to end the show early so everyone can leave Cleveland.

The match begins. Mercury & Noble are out, so it's three on one, because John Cena has no friends. Cena, for his part, makes the decision to turn the show into Tables, Ladders, Chairs, Stairs & Guardrails.

Cena puts Rollins through a table, but the referee is knocked out. Yeah, that sort of thing happened to Robert Griffin III this afternoon. The ref, however, does see Cena and Rollins go through a table together. So, the match is a draw. Thanks for coming out, everybody!

Just kidding. They restarted the match. Cena bounces Rollins off the announce table. Referee Mike Chioda invokes the rarely used rule of "If it didn't break, you made a mistake." The match continues again.

Big Show runs out and attacks Cena, but Roman Reigns makes the save, allowing Cena to put Rollins through the table. Cena doesn't ask where the hell Reigns was ten minutes ago.

Now comes the part where everyone sits around trying to remember the other matches on the show. But the big story here is that Roman Reigns is BACK (for the second time in a week.)

Up next, Nikki Bella vs. AJ Lee in the battle over who's dating the better wrestler. Before the match, Nikki tells Bryon Saxton she has a couple of things AJ doesn't. (And by that, she means breast implants. Seriously, if AJ had those, she'd tip over. What was I saying again?)

Nikki wins after hitting AJ with the Face Full of Stuff. (And by that, I mean Nikki sprayed a can of something in AJ's eyes. Don't get the wrong idea.)

Tom Phillips is backstage with Roman Reigns. You know, it's amazing what Reigns can accomplish when he's reading directly from the cue cards.

Up next, it's Ryback vs. Kane. Darn, I was hoping WWE would save that match for last.

I'm trying to watch this chair match, but I'm too distracted by Ryback's gear. Does the airbrush guy have cataracts? I'm expecting Vince to send word to the ring that Ryback and Kane have ten more minutes to fill, just to screw with them. Nope. Ryback wins.

TLC is brought to you by WWE Super Strikers. You can hit the other action figure with some unprotected chairshots!

Don't forget, it's WWE Week on USA Network. Because that's what WWE needs, more hours of first-run primetime programming.

It's Rusev defending the US Title against Jack Swagger. I knew I was forgetting something. Never mind. Rusev knocks Swagger around and beats Jack with the camel clutch. Oh, well.

WWE already has the commercial ready for Lesnar's match with Cena at the Royal Rumble. Man, those guys work fast.

Ambrose vs. Wyatt video package. I'll bet if I got copies of all Bray's promos, I could splice together the lyrics to "Creep" by Radiohead.

Time for the TLC match. Right now, Vince McMahon is texting C.M. Punk. "See? We really DO have more than one main event per show!"

We're early in the bout, and things are so out-of-control that the action spilled into the ring for a few seconds.

So, Ambrose drags Wyatt outside the ring, sets Bray up on a table, then jumps off the ladder and puts Wyatt through the table. This is WWE, so we're calling it a "transition spot." Then Ambrose does it again.

Dean checks the monitors, and he has an idea for finishing Bray off. When Ambrose has an idea, he gets this look like Richard Dreyfuss in "Close Encounters of the Third Kind." It's quite impressive.

Dean checks the monitors, and he has an idea for finishing Bray off. When Ambrose has an idea, he gets this look like Richard Dreyfuss in "Close Encounters of the Third Kind." It's quite impressive.

Turns out, we didn't really need two announce tables at ringside. One will suffice.

Ambrose grabs the monitor to use it on Bray, and he finds out why you always disconnect the monitor cables before using it as a weapon. Dean is blinded, and Bray wins with his finisher. That was...anticlimactic.

This was an underwhelming night of wrestling, but we'll try to make up for it with our postgame coverage. VIP members can come back later for the Roundtable. The rest of you can join James and Greg at the bottom of the hour. Good night!

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