By Pat McNeill, PWTorch columnist

Wake the pets and call the neighbors, it's time for our exclusive WWE pay-per-view projections!

DISCLAIMER: Projections are based on what the columnist would do if he were booking this event, instead of Paul "Conference Call" Levesque, Stephanie "Plays A Bad Girl on TV" McMahon and WWE President Vincent Kennedy Gagne. Projections are not predictions, because this is the column where everything's made up and the points don't matter. This preview has been sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today. Some of our departing contestants will receive Hamilton-Beach's Deluxe Drinkmaster milkshake machine, with two mixing speeds. Perfect for making milkshakes, diet drinks, omelettes and more. From Hamilton-Beach. Pat McNeill's wardrobe provided by Clipper Craft (Clothes for The Nation's Smartest Men). Remember, this is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing. These predictions are based on what the columnist would do if he had creative control over WWE, except for the part where he puts Mr. McMahon out to stud.

As you may have heard over the past few weeks, Mr. McMahon is not out of touch. He's NOT, dammit. See, the problems isn't that the Chariman of Crazy has a colossal case of Ants In The Pants and changes the Raw script around on the plane every Monday afternoon until the creative staff gets dizzy. No sir, that's not it. The problem is that none of the wrestlers in WWE are good enough to grab the "brass ring" and become a mega-star. Well, except for John Cena. And Seth Rollins. And Daniel Bryan, except that D-Bry is too fragile. And except for Roman Reigns, who, even though he's injured is not too fragile. And Randy Orton. And...well, you get the picture.

Before we get down to business, let's get to this month's edition of the Wrestling History Lesson, because that's why many of you clicked here in the first place. Twenty years ago, on December 12th, the World Wrestling Federation taped the Christmas week episode of Monday Night Raw in Liberty, New York. Your main event? "The British Bulldog" Davey Boy Smith took on the newest member of Ted DiBiase's Million Dollar Corporation, Tatanka. Vince McMahon and Shawn Michaels had the call.



What was happening in World Wrestling Entertainment fifteen years ago? I'm glad you asked! On December 21, 1999, the World Wrestling Federation taped its Christmas Eve episode of Smackdown in Dallas, Texas. That show featured a big WWF Title match between The Big Show and Mankind, with the evil Triple H locked in a shark cage so he could not interfere in the match. Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler had the call.



Did you catch WWE Friday Night Smackdown? No? Watch it now. The opening match features The Usos against Antonio Cesaro & Tyson Kidd. Michael Cole, Tom Phillips & John Layfield have the call. (If you want to see it, hurry, because WWE will have it down in about fifteen minutes. Or less.)



Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler and John B. Layfield will probably be announcing on this show while pretending not to watch NFL Sunday Night Football. I can relate. On with the program!

The New Day (Big E. Langston & Kofi Kingston w/ Dr. Charles Xavier Woods) vs. Goldust & Stardust: It's your preshow match. Just for fun, maybe WWE should remember which brand new tag team they're pushing. Maybe they could give Mr. McMahon a color-coded chart. Or remind Vince how much he likes that particular shade of blue. Also, just for fun, let's all keep track of how many times Woods "randomly" loses the draw in the next six months, and has to stand on the floor while Kingston & Langston do the tag matches. Projection? Trouble in Paradise. Big Ending. Langston pins Goldust. Moving along.

Also on the preshow, Renee Young gives us a special feature on Ryback filling out the New York Times Sunday crossword puzzle, to debunk those nasty things CM Punk said about Captain Meathook a few weeks ago.

Ryback vs. Kane (Chairs Match): Matches like this one are totally worth your $9.99 per month, right? Right? Projection? Kane hits Ryback with a chair. Ryback hits Kane with a chair. This continues until Ryback hits Kane several times in row, then tries to drop Kane on some chairs (and misses, of course.) Ryback is your winner.

Les Miz (Mike Mizanin & Damian Mizdow) vs. Jimmy Uso & Jey Uso (WWE World Tag Team Titles): The key issue here is that Mike Mizanin is in the head of the lovely Naomi Uso. please, we just switched the tag team titles, and there's no need to do that again. Projection? Mizdow saves Miz from a huge beating by surprising Jimmy Uso with the Skull Crushing Stunt Double Finale, and the champs keep the straps.

Erick Rowan vs. Big Show (Steel Stairs Match): Okay, I know we need to keep Show strong for some reason...Right. There are bound to be dozens of house show matches between Cena and Big Show, and we don't want to weaken the stinky, nasty giant. But, for the first Steel Stairs Match, we need to keep things as ridiculous as humanly possible. Projection? During the match Noble & Mercury drive the Bluth Company Stair Car down to ringside. Show chokeslams the Big Red Lamb off of the Stair Car for the victory.

Luke Harper vs. Dolph Ziggler (WWE Intercontinental Title - Ladder Match): Say, do you remember two years ago, when Dolph Ziggler beat John Cena in the main event of TLC 2012? No? Then WWE has done its job. Projection? Luke and Dolph fight at the top of the ladder, and the burly behemoth outpunches Dolph, then grabs the championship. But Dolph Ziggler will return on Raw (and Smackdown, and Tribute to the Troops.)

Alexander Rusev (w/ Natasha Fatale) vs. Jack Swagger (WWE United States Title): I have the sneaking suspicion I've seen this match before Projection? Rusev's in trouble, so the Bulgarian finds one of the few unused weapons in the building, like the ringbell, and whacks Swagger with the bell, getting himself disqualified. Zeb Colter makes the heroic limp to ringside with a two by four to make the save. (Hacksaw Jim Duggan has the night off.

Nikki Bella vs. AJ Lee (WWE Divas Title): You know, WWE was right smack in the middle of burying AJ Lee last month, but they stopped doing it. I wonder what happened? Oh, right. Her husband went on Colt Cabana's podcast. I'm sure that was a complete coincidence. Projection? AJ fights her way through interference from Brie Bella, but Nikki rolls up AJ with a double handful of tights, and Nikki remains the champion. AJ gets to go on with her life.

Dean Ambrose vs. Bray Wyatt (TLC Match): The big money question is whether Bray Wyatt can have a great match without a bunch of talented wrestlers in his corner (or, for that matter, on the ring apron.) Ambrose and Wyatt will have the benefit of multiple weapons, I mean, gimmicks...no, I mean "toys" to help them through the bout. Projection? Ambrose is kicking Wyatt's tuckus when the lights go out. But this time, when the lights come back on, Ambrose still has Wyatt by the neck. Ambrose plows Bray through a table face first for the victory.

John Cena vs. Seth Rollins (Tables Match): The idea of having Brock Lesnar defend the WWE Title once a month was a good idea. The idea of Brock Lesnar winning the WWE Title and showing up once every 120 days? Not so much. Projection? This is the month where all the Authority's horses and all the Authority's men run in the help Rollins beat Cena, and this is the month where Randy Orton runs in and attacks the Authority, enabling Cena to put Seth through a table. Good guys win, bad guys lose.

Aftermath: Ah, yes, it's the Royal Rumble. Sadly, there's not a graceful way to avoid another round of Lesnar vs. Cena. I also suspect we're getting Randy Orton vs. Seth Rollins, which I am totally okay with. See you in thirty.

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