By Pat McNeill, PWTorch columnist

PWTorch Columnist Pat McNeill is watching three NFL games at once, but he will be by tonight for live coverage of Survivor Series. Check back at around 7:30 PM Eastern-ish.

Pro football. I don't want to talk about it.

Time for the preshow panel. Paul Heyman thinks if Team Authority wins, Vince McMahon will turn over control of the WWE Board of Directors to Stephanie McMahon and Triple H. Wait, someone in WWE is trying to make sense of WWE storylines on WWE television? What a concept.

Back in the Social Media Lounge, Tom Phillips is reading your tweets while sitting alone in the dark.

I liked that WWE 2K15 commercial better the first time I saw it, during the movie "Dangerous Minds."

At ringside, Michael Cole, JBL & Lawler say hello. Justin Gabriel vs. Fandango. Time for sort of exciting action you can only watch on WWE Network (during Superstars.)

Want to see what happens when WWE can't afford your pyro? Check out Fandango's new entrance! Fandango wins with his new finishing move, the Botchamania Bossanova.

Here's what happens when one promotion's video packages meet one man's fast forward button.

The Miz and Mizdow are backstage. Mis promises a win for The Miz Brand. I was going to call them "Les Miz."

Want to see what happens when WWE can't afford your hydraulic podium entrance? Check out the all-new Bad News Barrett! Barrett volunteers to take over for The Authority after they're fired. What a mensch.

The Authority has promised that if they win tonight, they won't fire John Cena. That's how you know they're heels.

Wait, something's actually happening on the pregame. Cesaro is in the ring cutting a promo. Something about net neutrality. Cesaro is talking up the Authority, when he is interrupted by Swagger & Colter.

It's time for Jack Swagger vs. Antonio Cesaro. Zeb accuses Cesaro of hiding Nazi gold. No, really.

WWE Network: We're one step closer to paying you to subscribe.

Swagger applies the ankle lock and that's all she wrote. Big win for Big Jack.

I should warn you. Lawler and JBL have performed some horrible jokes this evening.

Look who's here, coming out of the limo! It's...a bunch of wavy lines if you're watching it on WWE Network.

Vince McMahon wants Stephanie & Triple H to earn their leadership roles like he did. That's a punchline, right?

============

The show begins. Welcome to the night that will change WWE forever (my ass)!

Vince McMahon promises this will be a night we'll never forget. You know a night I never forgot? The 1991 Great American Bash.

Cena comes out to face down Triple H & Stephanie. You know this is an important night, because John Cena is wearing his lucky jorts.

Stephanie explains that if Team Cena wins, she and Hunter will still be in charge. (Hey, enough with the spoilers.)

So, if Cena's team wins, Cena's in charge of Triple H and Stephanie. Please, please, please don't turn this into a bunch of backstage skits.

Our opening bout is the fatal four way for the tag team titles.

Cole explains Mizdow's gimmick for the new viewers. You know, because lots of people subscribe to WWE Network who don't watch WWE.

The Rhodes Boys and Los Matadores give us a stacked superplex. Miz makes a blind tag in, and his stunt double blind tagged him back. Sandow pins Goldust. The Miz Brand are your new WWE Tag Team Champions.

Larry the Cable Guy is on Raw tomorrow. Boy, will he be upset about missing tonight.

BREAKING NEWS: The Stone Cold Podcast airs on WWE Network next week. Making it the best show on the Network.

Adam Rose says his Rosebuds are extremely loyal to him. Well, where else are they going to get their drugs?

Time for the All-Divas Survivor Series Classic. Naomi deserves some sort of Slammy award this year for being the Last Funk Standing.

Lawler can't remember much about his Survivor Series match with Doink's team at the 1994 Survivor Series. I wish I had that problem.

Eight attractive lady wrestlers are in the ring. The crowd, of course, chants "We want Mizdow."

Cameron's bulldog of Emma is the sort of mistimed move you want to break down, John Madden style, on the Telestrator.

Naomi pins Cameron, Alicia pins Layla. Will Paige have to do a Honkytonk Man and take a powder when we get to four on one? Nope. Summer Rae gets pinned, Paige runs for the back and gets cut off.

While the Divas wrestle, the announcers are comparing memories of the worst Survivor Series matches ever. I can't imagine why. Naomi gets her hands on Paige, and Alicia Fox's team wins four falls to none. Epic.

Back to the WWE Upstairs Panel. So, nobody's going to ask Paul Heyman where Brock Lesnar's been for the past two months? Just curious.

Up next is Dean Ambrose vs. Bray Wyatt. Let's take a special look at how WWE booking ruined last month's pay-per-view.

This is a decent match, but it doesn't feel enough like Dean Ambrose wanting to rip a guy's spleen out. I think the fans want to see Ambrose, and they want to see Wyatt, but they don't want to see them face off in a match.

After a longish slog, Bray takes the mic and confesses to Ambrose that he once appeared in adult porn as "Mike Honcho." No, seriously, Bray offers Dean the chance to join him (again, some more) and Dean hits Bray with a chair. Well, that's more like it.

Ambrose puts Bray through a table. Then he throws another table on Bray and uses a chair. You don't suppose he's going for a ladder? Yep, he is. How subtle.

Pay-per-views on WWE Network. They're like watching #Raw, except the commercial breaks are shorter.

Ever wonder what WWE Creative meetings are like? Check out this glimpse of Triple H & Stephanie rallying the troops.

Up next, Adam Rose & The Bunny vs. Slater & Gator. They announced this match 90 minutes ago, and I completely forgot about it. My guess is The Bunny will spearhead the first wave of the upcoming Chikara invasion.

The Bunny pins Slater and celebrates with the Exotic Express. Rose does his impression of Jack Sparrow watching his pirate ship sailing off without him.

The announcers interview Roman Reigns "via satellite." JBL says Roman is on vacation, which is Vince-speak for "injured."

It's Larry the Cable Guy & Santino Marella in "Jingle All The Way 2." Yeah, that seems about right.

John Cena: "I know this is the biggest match of your career." Big Show: "You realize I've headlined WrestleMania, right?"

Up next, AJ Lee vs. Nikki Bella. Now I remember I fast forwarded through that video package when I saw it on the preshow.

Brie distracts AJ Lee with a lesbian kiss, allowing Nikki to jump AJ and hit her finisher for the win. We have a new Divas champion. I know nobody likes long goodbyes, but that was ridiculous.

WWE Network: Where YOU can pay $9.99 to see a podcast people listen to for free.

Wyatt vs. Ambrose in three weeks at TLC in a TLC match. Cole wonders what will happen. My guess is that Dean gets DQ'd for using a tack hammer.

WWE thanks Nickelback for the theme music. Yep, the McMahons have their finger on the pulse of their target audience.

Time for the main event. Well, they only have forty minutes to fill. Back in a bit.

We kick things off with Henry charging into a right hand from Big Show. Mark Henry is the World's Strongest Man. The World's Smartest Man? Not so much. Five on four.

You've heard of the Thesz Press? Ryback just executed a textbook Lou Ferrigno Press. Ryback runs wild until all ten men enter the ring and Rollins catches Big Ry with a curbstomp. Rusev pins Ryback. Four on four.

Big Show and Kane are in the ring. Cole starts to talk about the epic battles between the two men, then thinks better of it.

Rusev manages to put himself through a table and get counted out. He is also not in the running for World's Smartest Man. Four on three.

The heels triple team Rowan and Harper pins him. Three on three.

We have a standoff in the ring, and Big Show knocks out Cena and joins Team Authority. You know, it's been months since Show last turned. I should've seen that coming. Rollins pins Cena and Show walks off. It's three on one.

Ziggler is about half-dead, but he rallies to hit the Zig Zag on Kane to make it two on one. Then Dolph surprises Harper with a pin to make it one on one. You don't suppose?

Yeah, if you're planning to catch the replay, start about two hours into the show. Ziggler and Rollins have stolen the whole event.

Dolph hits another Zig Zag, but Hunter pulls the referee out of the ring and there's a four on one beatdown of Dolph. Ziggler fights back by himself, knocking out Noble and Mercury. Triple H hits a Pedigree on Dolph. If you want something done right, do it yourself.

Scott Armstrong is out to make the count, but the lights go out, and Sting makes his way down the aisle. Not kidding. It's the TNA Invasion of WWE! Run for your lives!

Sting and Triple H have their staredown. Hunter tries to get the drop on Sting, but Sting gets a better drop. A Scorpion Death Drop. Ziggler pins Rollins, and Dolph Ziggler is your Sole Survivor.

That's right, Sting is in WWE. And only thirteen years too late!

Alright, a great finish to a bad show. That's it from here. Join James & Greg on PWTorchLivecast.com at the bottom of the hour. VIP members, we'll have the roundtable up as soon as we can. Good night, everybody!

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