By Pat McNeill, PWTorch columnist

Wake the pets and call the neighbors, it's time for our exclusive WWE pay-per-view projections!

DISCLAIMER: Projections are based on what the columnist would do if he were booking this event, instead of Paul "The Authority" Levesque, Vice President Of On-Air Bullying Stephanie McMahon and WWE President Vince "Earn It" McMahon. Projections are not predictions, because this is the column where everything's made up and the points don't matter. This preview has been sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today. This preview has been sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today. Some of our departing contestants will receive a year's supply of Dupont Lucite paint, now available in over one thousand fashionable colors for long-lasting beauty inside or outside your home. Pat McNeill's wardrobe provided by Chez Antoine, 19th century craftsmanship for the 21st century man. Remember, this is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing. These predictions are based on what the columnist would do if he had creative control over WWE, except for the part where he moves about twenty more wrestlers to the active roster.

Tonight could be the night the epic fifteen month storyline of The McMahon-Helmsley Regime, I mean, The Authority, comes to an end. But, as we all know, that probably won't happen. WWE has a three hour window to fill every Monday night, and they don't trust their actual wrestlers to do it. That's why we get lots and lots and lots of Triple H, Stephanie McMahon and friends. On top of that, WWE has spent the past sixteen years in the authority figure business. It's their comfort zone.

Before we get down to business, let's get to this month's edition of the Wrestling History Lesson, because that's why many of you clicked here in the first place. Twenty years ago, on November 23, 1994, the World Wrestling Federation presented its 1994 Survivor Series from San Antonio, Texas. Your main event? Razor Ramon led his team of Sean Waltman, Davey Boy Smith, Rikishi Fatu & Sionne "The" Barbarian against the quintet of Owen Hart, Jim Neidhart, Jeff Jarrett, Shawn Michaels & Kevin Nash. Neat, huh? Vince McMahon and Gorilla Monsoon had the call.


Teamsters vs Bad Guys - Survivor Series 1994... by Ninjafish


Teamsters vs Bad Guys - Survivor Series 1994... by Ninjafish

What was happening in World Wrestling Entertainment fifteen years ago? I'm glad you asked! On November 22, 1999, the World Wrestling Federation presented Monday Night Raw taped in Syracuse, New York. That show featured a big matchup between the Ayatollah of Rock 'n Rollah, Chris Jericho, and The Godfather. Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler had the call.


Chris Jericho vs The Godfather (RAW 11.22.1999) by VintageWWEMoments316

Did you catch WWE Friday Night Smackdown? No? Watch it now. The opening match features Dolph Ziggler against Rusev in a non-title. Michael Cole, Tom Phillips & John Layfield have the call. (If you want to see it, hurry, because WWE will have it down in about fifteen minutes. Or less.)



Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler and John B. Layfield will probably be announcing on this show while arguing amongst themselves. It's like Thanksgiving with family. On with the program!

Your exciting pregame show: We're supposed to get the return of Fandango and Rosa Mendes. For a special moment like this, Fandango needs a win over the least important member of the roster. So let's go with Fandango scoring a victory over the mighty Sin Cara.

It looks like we're going to another match to fill out the show. How about the exciting re-debut of a couple of our favorite wrestlers? Let's go with A New Day (Big E. Langston & Kofi Kingston) vs. Heath Slater & Titus Gator: Also, remember that the Three Musketeers should get some mic time to explain why they've joined forces. And, just because they're called "A New Day" doesn't mean they should come out to Randy Orton's old theme music. Projection? Trouble in Paradise. Big Ending. Langston pins Slater. Moving along.

Alicia Fox, Emma Dashwood, Naomi McCray Fatu & Natalya Kidd vs. Paige Knight, Cameron Andrews, Layla El & Summer Rae (Divas Elimination Match): Yes, the Alicia vs. Paige feud gets paid off on one of the biggest shows of the year. Sounds meaningful, doesn't it? Projection? Paige takes over early. She forces Emma to tap out, then manages to tie Naomi up for a pinfall. Natalya pins Summer Rae. Paige gets disqualified for refusing to break a hold when Alicia is in the ropes. Natalya and Layla fight to a double countout, and Alicia rallies to pin Cameron. Alicia is the sole survivor.

Dean Ambrose vs. Bray Wyatt: After all the buildup for this feud, my guess is that the feud can't end tonight. Projection? The lights go out and Bray tries to make his escape, but Dean Ambrose catches up to him. This way, we get one of the vintage No Contest, Double Countout, Brawl Around The Building endings that the Unstable One does so well. To be continued.

We got a shot of Sting lurking in the rafters. Why is he here? We're not finding out tonight.

AJ Lee vs. Nikki Bella (WWE Divas Title): Rumor has it that AJ Lee is done after this weekend. Normally, you'd want to have AJ retain the title tonight and drop it tomorrow on Raw, just for the sake of making a little extra cash from the overseas...I mean, for added suspense. Projection? Brie tries to keep her evil sister from cheating. The refs go to remove Brie Mode from ringside and completely miss Nikki coldcocking the Geek Goddess with the title belt. Darling Nikki gets the pin, and we get more of Bella vs. Bella, this time for the Divas title.

The Dusted Rhodes Boys (Goldust & Stardust) vs. The Usos vs. Los Matadores vs. The Miz & Damien Sandow (WWE World Tag Team Titles): Everyone should know how we do these matches by now. Projection? A lot of dives and chaos and Mizdow shenanigans end with Goldust and Stardust throwing Torito into Fernando and scoring the victory.

Team Cena (John Cena, Dolph Ziggler, Erick Rowan, Big Show & Ryback) vs. Team Authority (Seth Rollins, Kane, Mark Henry, Rusev & Luke Harper): The top ten singles wrestlers in World Wrestling Entertainment in the battle for storyline control of the company. Let's make a giant cluster of this match. Projection? Harper pins Rowan. Big Show pins Mark Henry. Kane pins Big Show. Ziggler pins Harper. Triple H, Noble & Mercury are out at ringside to cause trouble for Cena. Here comes Sheamus, making a surprise appearance to help his mates...

...except not so much. Sheamus nails Cena with a Brogue kick. The Authority drags Cena to ringside and Rollins curbstomps Cena through some cinderblocks. Cena is unable to continue. The referees toss Sheamus and the stooges. Ryback catches Kane by surprise and beats Kane with the Shell Shock. Ryback and Rusev brawl. A ref tries to get between them, and gets shoved out of the way. Ryback and Rusev both get disqualified. We have a pullapart, with security trying to remove Ryback and Rusev. Randy Orton is dressed up as one of the security guards, and we don't notice until he's given Rollins an RKO and slithered off. Ziggler pins the fallen Rollins. Yes, Dolph Ziggler is the sole survivor. And yes, The Authority is out of power, temporarily.

Aftermath: We tune in to Raw tomorrow and learn that the new authority figures (for now) are Hulk Hogan and Sting. No, really. No, REALLY. Then at TLC, we get Randy Orton vs. Seth Rollins, John Cena vs. Sheamus and Luke Harper vs. Dolph Ziggler in various stipulation matches. See you then.

***
Pat McNeill has been a PWTorch Columnist since 2001 He lives in Greenville, South Carolina. He'd take the Cowboys over the Giants tonight on Sunday Night Football. You know, if gambling were legal.

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