By Pat McNeill, PWTorch columnist

PWTorch Columnist Pat McNeill is recovering from a brutal fantasy football beatdown, but he will be by tonight for live coverage of Hell in a Cell. Check back at around 7:30 PM Eastern-ish.

We are LIVE from the McNeill Media Room for this exclusive coverage of WWE Hell in a Cell. I am surrounded by my vat of diet green tea and our two cats. I was going to start fast forwarding through the pregame show, but the Philadelphia Eagles just got John Brown'd. Excuse me.

I think I just heard football announcer Donovan McNabb say "My point is mute." We're going to have a hard time topping that gem.

Let’s go to the pregame show, where we get to hear from Renee Young, Booker T, Alex Riley & Paul Heyman. Riley’s hair now looks like it has its own zip code. On the bright side? No Troy Aikman.

Breaking News from Paul Heyman! BROCK LESNAR (is watching) HELL IN A CELL.

Alex Riley has a Keys to Victory segment! Seth Rollins needs to “agitate Dean Ambrose.” Dean Ambrose needs to “be himself.” I hope these guys are taking notes.

Tom Phillips is going stag in the WWE Social Media Lounge of Inarticulate Fandom.

Breaking News from Paul Heyman: Brock Lesnar is more dangerous than Hell in a Cell.

“Tonight, Mizdow TV is invading…your…TV” says Renee Young, who wants everyone to know she’s not writing her own material.

Alright, let's skip ahead to Mizdow TV. Before I lose any more IQ points.

Mizdow wants us to know this is the highlight of his career. Which tells you all you need to know about the value of Money In The Bank.

Miz is feeding Mizdow questions to ask him (which is how Hollywood interviews work, by the way.) Sheamus interrupts to say something lame. "Sheamus just isn't sensitive" says JBL.

The Bella vs. Bella match is Booker T’s “Shucky Ducky Quack Quack” match of the night. Just so you know.

We’re getting a preshow match! And it’s Mark Henry vs. Bo Dallas! Stand by.

Bo Dallas tells the crowd that beating Mark Henry makes him the new World’s Strongest Man. I remember that movie. It starred Kurt Russell.

Mark Henry beats Bo Dallas in about negative eight seconds. Bo complains that Mark Henry cheated. Next time, Bo should wait until Mark Henry leaves ringside, so Henry doesn’t beat him up again.

Let’s get on with the main show, shall we? We have our opening video package. They’re pushing that “winner gets Brock Lesnar” stipulation pretty hard.

A sign saying “It’s our Anniversary. Welcome to WWE Hell In A Cell.” Mrs. McNeill would not approve.

Dolph Ziggler vs. Antonio Cesaro. Two out of three falls. WWE Intercontinental Championship. I like it already.

Michael Cole reminds us that Pat Patterson became the first Intercontinental Champion in 1979 in Rio. Be sure to contact fanservices@wwecorp.com and ask when that footage will be available on WWE Network.

Ziggler hits a roll through to score a quick first fall. “Dolph Ziggler’s the most accomplished amateur wrestler WWE’s had” says JBL. Wow. That blows that Donovan McNabb line out of the water.

Second fall. Cesaro explains to Ziggler exactly what happens when male wrestlers try to use that Black Widow submission hold.

Believe it or not, Dolph hits the Zig Zag and wins the match two falls to none. Yeah. JBL doesn't even have any smart remarks for that one.

You know what this show needed? That’s right. More ads for the WWE Network! And more talk about how STOOPID you are for paying full price on pay-per-view.

Backstage, Randy Orton tells the Authority he needs to find Seth Rollins and…give him a fruit basket or something.

Brie Bella vs. Nikki Bella. Loser becomes the winner’s personal shopper or something like that. Jerry Lawler tells us this is the first time he’s seen twin sisters grapple in a stipulation match without paying a cover charge.

Nikki catches Brie with the Rack Attack and beats Brie clean. Couldn’t have her use the Attitude Adjustment, hug?

John Cena voiceover ad. Apparently the theme for this year's video game is "WWE 2K15: Dead Poets' Society."

Paul Heyman gets more cheers than Booker T and Alex Riley combined. This may make me rethink my opinion of Dallas fans. (Until tomorrow night, of course.)

The Uso's are calling tonight's Tag Team Title match "The Clash of The Clans." Vince wanted to make that the new name of the February pay-per-view, but someone smartened him up.

Rhodes Freaks vs. The Usos. The announcers talk about how Goldust is in great shape. I don’t see how that’s possible, since he hasn’t added twenty pounds of muscle.

The Usos fly. the Rhodes boys bump. Stardust & Goldust hit the Clip ;n Cut on Jey Uso and retain the belts. Good match.

Yay, women who beat breast cancer!

"It is 20 feet tall and weighs five tons." Big Show's match is next?

Video package, explains to all of us how Cena versus Orton is the WWE equivalent of Larry Bird vs. Magic Johnson or Tom Brady vs. Peyton Manning. This video is funnier than anything I've written in months.

It’s the match we’ve all been waiting for. Let’s Go Cena takes on Cena Sucks inside Hell In A Cell. Yes, it's Cena vs. Orton. And yes, the announcers are talking about Orton versus Rollins already. Why do you ask?

Why is Cena vs. Orton stale? Imagine if WWE had, say, Steve Austin wrestle the Undertaker on pay-per-view a dozen times during the Attitude Era? (Wait, that actually happened. Forget I said anything.)

Orton throws Cena against the cell. JBL puts over how that move ended the in-ring career of…referee Tim White. Well, he tried.

Cena goes through his series of ridiculous Hellwig-esque shoulderblocks until Orton interrupts him with an RKO. That got a huge pop. Sadly, it’s not the finish.

JBL points out that in Hell in a Cell, you're only limited by your imagination. And the lack of blood.

Cena launches the steps at Orton. They hit the cage with the wobbling sound you only get from authentic aluminum products.

Cena hits an Attitude Adjustment, a second Attitude Adjustment, and a third one, this one through a table. Cena gets the pin. We get another Lesnar vs. Cena match. Oh, goodie.

Cole wonders what Brock Lesnar must be thinking right now. My hope is, it's something like "Mmmmm. Ice cream!"

Backstage, Big Show is pumped for his match with Rusev. And his postgame meal. Catering has been woefully inadequate lately.

Time for the United States title match. Sheamus vs. The Miz & Damian Mizdow. Michael Cole gives us a Pinky Tuscadero reference, and then has to explain the joke. Poor Cole.

Lawler thinks Nikki should make Brie her stunt double. That’s better than whatever WWE will end up doing. Sandow is doing a great job selling Mis’s bumps at ringside. The crowd agrees, giving us a “Mizdow’s awesome” chant.

Mizdow favors us with some comedy after the match, but I’m distracted by JBL calling the Village People one of the greatest bands of all time. Because…no.

Big Show vs. Rusev, Jerry Lawler says he wouldn’t want to be Rusev. That’s ironic, because there are people backstage who DO want to be Rusev, if you know what I mean.

It's very nice of the evil Lana to wear pink for breast cancer awareness. Lana teases the Russian National Anthem, but Big Show interrupts before she can cue the music. Poor Nikolai Volkoff, flying all that way for nothing.

Rusev works the knee. We must be running short on time. Big Show works hard for the comeback, which is ironic, because his move is punching the guy in the head. Wouldn’t it be easier to punch the guy in the head than try all those different moves?

Yeah, I’m just filling time into Mark Henry interferes.

Nope. Rusev beats up Big Show AND Henry. I'm glad to be wrong about that one. Rusev wins by referee stoppage.

Ad for Survivor Series, featuring AJ Lee with the Divas title belt. (Spoiler warning!)

"Seth Rollins is going to look like a zombie from the Walking Dead had sex with Dracula's grandmother, and nine months later gave birth to something that looks like roadkill and oatmeal combined on top of a pogo stick. You know what I'm saying?"

No, Dean, I don't. Not even a little bit.

AJ Lee vs. Paige. AJ throws the Alabaster Antagonist all around the ring until Paige takes over. JBL and Lawler point out how long it's been since someone other than Paige or AJ held the title. That's true, but I don't hear anyone else complaining.

Paige gets hurt being rammed into the barricade. Alicia helps Paige beat the count back into the ring, where AJ makes Paige tap out. Paige turns on Alicia after the match. Not sure I like this.

John Cena will be interviewed on the postgame show. Really? Do you promise?

Main event time. I'm actually anticipating this one. Dean Ambrose vs. Seth Rollins in a blood feud. Without blood, of course.

Ambrose decides to start the match on top of the Cell. Yeah, that's never a good idea. WWE did miss an opportunity, though. They should have had Mick Foley waiting on top of the Cell to interview Ambrose. "Dean, what are you thinking?"

Seth Rollins decides to send stooges Mercury & Noble up to the top of the cell to fetch Ambrose. They climb up to distract Ambrose so Rollins can climb up and attack Dean from behind. Three on one attack on top of the cell.

In hindsight, it sure was nice of Cena and Orton to keep things on the ground, and not steal any thunder from this match.

Ambrose catches Rollins on the side of the cell. There goes the Spanish announce table. And the American announce table. They're loading Ambrose and Rollins onto the stretchers. So, when do we start the match?

Ambrose gets off the stretcher, drags Rollins off his stretcher, throws Rollins back into the cell, then gets the officials to lock the cage. That’s more like it. Dean knocks Rollins around for a few minutes. Several chairshots. Dean puts Seth through a table. Then Kane shows up outside the cell and sprays Dean with a fire extinguisher.

Rollins takes over on offense for a bit, then Dean whacks Seth with his own briefcase. Ambrose goes under the ring, but he can’t find his cinderblocks. Really? How do you lose cinderblocks?

Boom. Out go the lights. When the lights go back on, it’s…Bray Wyatt? Wyatt beats up Ambrose and Rollins pins him. Buzzkill.

And...that's your show! Interesting ending, to say the least. Join James and Greg on PWTorchLivecast.com at the bottom of the hour for the call-in show. VIP members? You'll have a roundtable in about an hour. Good night!

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