By Pat McNeill, PWTorch columnist

Wake the pets and call the neighbors, it's time for our exclusive WWE pay-per-view projections!

DISCLAIMER: Projections are based on what the columnist would do if he were booking this event, instead of Paul "The Authority" Levesque, Vice President in Charge of Signing Off on Bad Storylines Stephanie McMahon and WWE President Vince "Ashamed Of Actually Looking Like A Senior Citizen, No, Really" McMahon. Projections are not predictions, because this is the column where everything's made up and the points don't matter. This preview has been sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today. Some of our departing contestants will receive a supply of Mr. Turkey brand deli meats. Fat free cuts of delicious bologna, salami and ham, furnished by Sara Lee. Pat McNeill's wardrobe is provided by "Mr. Guy of Beverly Hills". Remember, this is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing. These predictions are based on what the columnist would do if he had creative control over WWE, except for the part where he adds the XFL television library to the WWE Network (replacing Slam City.)

Also, if there are a bunch of sharply dressed young people sitting around in a locked room in Nashville trying to rebook tonight's show, hi! See if Hunt Brothers can send you a breakfast pizza. Trust me on this one, I'm a professional.

In case you missed it, WWE headliner Roman Reigns is off of tonight's show due to an incarcerated hernia. Supposedly, Reigns could return as soon as Survivor Series in November. However, if we've learned anything from Daniel Bryan's prolonged recovery, it is not to make predictions (or guesses) about wrestler injuries without more information. But hey, it's not like Reigns is the number two babyface in the company.

He is? Oh, crap.

It's also good to see WWE extending the kickoff show to one hour. The promotion is well on its way to having a two-hour countdown before every pay-per-view, just like UFC does. That's the goal, right?

Before we get down to brass tacks, let's get to this month's edition of the Wrestling History Lesson, because that's why many of you clicked here in the first place. Twenty years ago, on September 12, 1994, the World Wrestling Federation presented Monday Night Raw (pretaped) from Lowell, Massachusetts. Your main event? The Undertaker made his return to Raw against the masked Puerto Rican martial artist, Kwang. Vince McMahon and Randy Savage had the call.



What was happening in World Wrestling Entertainment fifteen years ago? I'm glad you asked! On September 21, 1999, the World Wrestling Federation taped one of its earliest episodes of Smackdown in Dallas, Texas. The WWF Tag Team Titles were on the line as the Rock 'n Sock Connection (Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson & Mick "Mankind" Foley) took on the New Age Outlaws. (Brian "Road Dogg" James & "Bad Ass" Billy Gun) Michael Cole and Michael P.S. Hayes had the call.


WWF SD 9/23/99by SomeDong

Did you catch the final segment of WWE Friday Night Smackdown? No? Watch it now. It is Roman Reigns against Alexander Rusev. Michael Cole, Tom Phillips & John Layfield have the call. (If you want to see it, hurry, because WWE will have it down in about fifteen minutes. Or less.)



Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler and John B. Layfield will probably be announcing on this show. Will they mention how the Network costs $9.99 per month? Maybe. On with the program!

Your exciting pregame show: We'll see Christian welcome Chris Jericho to The Peep Show. I don't know what the former world champs will say to each other, but they'll get interrupted by Randy Orton for some prematch smack talk. Also, Triple H promises to find Seth Rollins a "suitable opponent" to fill in for Roman Reigns tonight. And a bonus match? How about Los Matadores defeating the proud duo of Heath Slater & Titus O'Neil?

The Usos vs. The Dust Boys (Gold & Star) - WWE World Tag Team Titles: The Usos have been a lot of fun as our tag champs, but this feud has more life in it. Yes, that does make it unlike any other deatured on tonight's program. I get that. Projection? Goldust chop blocks Jey Uso in his bad knee, and Stardust gets the fall. The Crazy Brothers can add some serious entertainment value to the program. That will be valuable as long as Raw stays at three hours.

Dolph Ziggler vs. The Miz (WWE Intercontinental Title): If you missed the first two iterations of Dolph Ziggler & Black Ziggler against The Miz and Bearded Fake Miz, I'm guessing we'll see another round of this tomorrow on Raw. Projection? Ziggler retains after some shenanigans involying R-Truth and Damien Sandow.

Mark Henry vs. Alexander Rusev (w/ Ivana Humpalot) in a Flag Match: I was going to suggest having Kevin Steen debut as Alexander's long-lost brother, Vinnie Rusev, but I chalk that up to not getting enough sleep last night. Projection? Henry wins most of the match, but Rusev surprises Henry with a suplex and pins the big man. (Sorry, not buying the idea of Rusev locking a half-assed camel clutch on the world's strongest wrestler. So skip that part.)

Sheamus vs. Antonio Cesaro: Somebody has to look strong in this company leaving Hell in a Cell. It might as well be a guy the company has actually protected. Projection? Longish match, with Sheamus scoring the Brogue Kick. My guess is, WWE sees Cesaro as an eventual babyface, so all his losses while he's still a heel "don't count." If anyone has a better theory, pass it along.

Paige Knight vs. AJ Lee vs. Nikki Bella (WWE Divas Title): Oh, crap. I forgot this match was happening. Great job by WWE of taking the reasonably entertaining competition between its two top female stars and dragging all sorts of Bella Total Diva garbage into it. Projection? AJ pins Nikki after Nikki is distracted by Brie. We have a new Divas champion, and we can move Brie and Nikki back to feuding on Earth-2 or Main Event or somewhere else. Yeah, I'm dreaming.

Seth Rollins vs. Mystery Opponent: For Rollins' opponent, The Authority sends out an undercard palooka like Zack Ryder. Actually, they should go ahead and use Ryder. Projection? Rollins curbstomps Ryder for the win and gets about 0.3 seconds into the postmatch celebration before Dean Ambrose hops the rail and beats the hell out of Seth, any referees that try to break up the fight, ringside security, former timekeeper Mark Yeaton (WWE rehires Yeaton for this) the EMT's and maybe Kane.

Chris Jericho vs. Randy Orton: Jericho and Orton could work this match in their sleep. Here's hoping they don't. Projection? Orton dominates. Jericho pins Orton with a rollup. Orton flips out and hits the RKO on Jericho, then soccer kicks Y2J in the head. Orton lines up for a second soccer kick before Christian, Big Show and the Legion of WWE Superstars Performers make the save.

Brock Lesnar vs. John Cena (WWE World Heavyweight Title): These two have big shoes to fill. And WWE, more than before, really needs John Cena to leave the building in one piece. Projection? Cena takes a SummerSlam-sized beating for the first five minutes of the match, then starts the Cena Comeback. Cena hits all his big moves and does the Attitude Adjustment, at which point Brock does the Zombie Situp, drops Cena on his head and hits the F5 for the victory. The lesson from this match is that Lesnar took everything Cena had, and it wasn't enough.

Aftermath: Ambrose vs. Rollins in the Hell in a Cell match, Brock Lesnar defends the title against Sheamus and Christian returns to battle Randy Orton. Yes, Cena can feud with Rusev, but if Cena can't get anything out of the Bulgarian Dancing Bear, it's time to let that gimmick drop.

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Pat McNeill has been a PWTorch Columnist since 2001 He currently lives in Greenville, South Carolina. He'd take the Steelers over the Panthers tonight in Sunday Night Football. You know, if gambling were legal.

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