Exclusive PWTorch Deadblog of WWE Summerslam
By Pat McNeill, PWTorch columnist

Welcome to the McNeill Mancave. It's going down, for real.

We're live at the Staples Center for the kickoff show. Renee Young is on the set with Booker T, Ric Flair, and I guess who has even less to say than Booker and Flair. Then again, Alex "The Hair" Riley is the guy who's sticking to the talking points.

Flair wants to hang out with Ronda Rousey. Sorry, Naitch, I don't think there's enough alcohol in the world for you to pull that off.

Time for the inevitable Bella-McMahon video package. Brie Bella has many fine qualities, but she's not an actress. Stephanie's performance looks especially good by comparison.

This is an awful lot of hype for a match that's there to set up the Brie Bella-Megan Miller feud. Booker calls this a Shucky Ducky Quack Quack classic.

A match. Praise Allah. It's Rob Van Dam against Antonio Cesaro. There MUST be a winner. Tonight's show is brought to you for Mountain Dew Kickstarter. Try it with vodka, kids!

"We're funny!" declares JBL. I'll be the judge of that, thank you. JBL thinks it's time the Staples Center fans saw a good show. He's forgetting the Kings play here.

You got to see Rob Van Dam botch that move for just $9.99.

Cole declares that Cena and Lesnar are the best they've ever been. I declare Cole is full of crap.

WWE announcers: If you don't have the WWE Network, go kill yourself, because you suck. (I may be paraphrasing here.) Or, you're a Mama's Boy living at home with your mom. (More on that later.)

JBL compares John Cena to Robert Horry. Several thousand NBA fans just did a collective spit take at that comparison.

The fans love Rob Van Dam. I love the Rob Van who wrestled during the Clinton administration. This guy beats Cesaro with the frog splash. Poor Cesaro. He deserves better. Back to the Kickoff desk, where Cesaro is abusing the ref. Flair loves Cesaro.

Later tonight, you can see Billy Gunn beat up the guy who won the pizza roll contest. It's only $9.99.

Flair explains that Randy Orton is the best wrestler in the world, which is why he'll lose tonight.

The Cena vs. Lesnar video package from Raw airs again. I'll say this for WWE Network: My fast forward is working smoothly.

Blood and urine and vomit means it's time for SummerSlam.

SummerSlam kicks off in earnest with Hulk Hogan cutting a promo. Hulk looks happy to be there. He looks even happier to not be working Brock Lesnar. Hulk says this is the night where mortals become immortal. So, The Rapture is happening tonight, too? Is that included in my $9.99?

I know it's The Biggest Event of The Summer, but this opening doesn't even crack the top five movie trailers of the summer. (No, I did not come up with The Bella Of The Ball. I have standards.) But the Cena vs. Lesnar preview video is aces.

Cole, Lawler, and JBL are back. Our opener is The Miz vs. Doph Ziggler. WWE has upgraded Miz's entrance and costume to make him more annoying. Great move. The Showoff gets a good reaction.

Cole introduces the German announce team. My German is rusty, but I think the play-by-play wondered why the Spanish announce team are snickering at them.

Vince McMahon got Maria Menonous to dump a bucket of ice over herself. Mr. McMahon wins.

Ziggler vs. The Miz for the WWE Intercontinental Title. JBL defends The Miz's desire to protect his moneymaker. "You wouldn't punch Al Pacino in the face, would you?" Backstage, Brock Lesnar says "I would!"

Someone should tell the announcers they're missing a pretty good match.

Miz takes a couple of shots to the face, and the fans rally behind Dolph. Miz applies the figure-four…sort of. Rookie wrestles should take note of the way Ziggler sells. You might think it's theatrical, but that's how you sell in an NBA-sized arena. You sell for the audience, and hopes the cameras make it look good.

Ziggler hits the Zig Zag to win the Intercontinental Title. JBL tells us Dolph deserves the Intercontinental Title, a statement you could take two different ways. Dolph and Miz are putting over the importance of this outcome. Great job, you two.

Hey, let's see that Megan Miller storyline from Raw again.

We have a Tom Phillips sighting. He's with Brie Bella. If you've ever seen Brie in action on "Total Divas," this promo sounds nothing like what Brie would say in real life.

Speaking of Bellas, or Betties, here's Paige. Time for our Divas title match. I like Paige's skipping around the ring to make A.J. During the intros, we get a recap of this entire feud. It's not a bad idea, but I wouldn't do that for every bout on the card.

This is much better than last month's Diva match. I know that's not exactly a high fence to scale. AJ does the flying clothesline from the top turnbuckle to the floor. Some impressive counters before Paige wins with a DDT. I'm 0 for 3 on my picks so far, but I can't complain about the results so far.

I wonder what a non-wrestling fan would make of this WWE 2K15 commercial.

Time for the flag match. Rusev is now residing in Moscow. Makes sense. I hear Idaho is lovely this time of the year. As the late Robin Williams would say, let's win one for Mother Russia. Jack Swagger is led to the ring by a color guard, and not the kind you see on "NCIS" either. I wondering how long it is before they sell those Zeb Colter Gadsden Flag vests on WWE Shop.

Rusev attacks before the bell. Swagger retaliates before the bell. The match starts with Rusev selling his ankle. But Rusev draws Swagger in and works the ribs.

Cole wonders how Vladimir Putin will react if Rusev loses. I don't know, Michael. Maybe you should ask him this Wednesday on WWE.com.

JBL tells us Swagger has been suplexing people since he was five years old. Worst kindergarten recess game ever. He goes on to tell Swagger there are 318 million people rooting for him, 314 million of whom don't even know this match is happening.

Remember, if you'd like to discuss this show on social media, you can do so by using the hashtag #GetLawlerSomeNewJokes. Swagger has the ankle lock. I'm waiting for Paul Jones and the Russian Assassins to hit the ring, but Rusev fights it off.

Really? You guys had the Russian win by referee stoppage at SummerSlam? And then Rusev beat up Zeb Colter? I'm impressed. Did y'all poop in the refrigerator too? This was despicable and disgusting. Let's go to the replay.

The giant Russian flag goes up above the ring. In Soviet Union, flag waves you.

WWE was going to have Nikolai Volkoff fly in and perform the Russian Anthem live but, you know, budget cuts.

These commercials are coming to you on the WWE Network for just $9.99.

Ambrose vs. Rollins promo package. This month's theme song sounds like somebody ripped of "My Prerogative" by Bobby Brown, not to mention Britney Spears's remake of the song. And there are your twenty lumberjacks, some of whom look *thrilled* to be there.

Michelle Beadle and Bill Simmons are great friends of WWE. Well, who isn't?

Ambrose hits the floor for the first time and punches a lumberjack. This may be a turning point in the match. Lawler explains how a lumberjack match works. And we're only three minutes into the bout.

Ambrose suplexes Rollins out of the ring and they both land on the lumberjacks. Here we go. They brawl into the crowd, the exact sort of thing a lumberjack match is designed to prevent. Awesome.

Here comes Corporate Kane. He'd like the lumberjacks to, you know, actually bring the wrestlers back into the ring. They get Ambrose. Seth tries to escape to the back, but the Rhodes and the Usos catch him. Then Ambrose dives onto the pile before they can get Rollins back into the ring.

Look, it's not that the lumberjack match was a bad idea. Clearly, it wasn't. The issue is that Ambrose shouldn't have been the one to pick the stipulation.

Kane makes the save for Rollins, here come the lumberjacks, and there's the briefcase. Rollins wins. Cole tells us Rollins's win will go down in history. That's true. You know what else will go down in history? Ferguson.

If you enjoyed the Jericho-Wyatt segment from Raw, here's the short version. And here's what you've been waiting for, the wide shot of the arena for Bray Wyatt's entrance. I like Jericho's entrance as much as the next guy, but I'm still waiting for Y2J to bust out the obscenely expensive Jacket-Tron 5000.

Here's a question. If Jericho and Wyatt ever form a tag team, where's their entrance going to look like?

Cole breaks down the feud. Bray Wyatt is still upset with Jericho for the creepy videos with the little girl a few years back. Works for me. The Jericho-Wyatt begins, and the fans are singing for Bray again. JBL is nice enough to cover for Wyatt calling spots.

It's not really anyone's fault, but the crowd is using this match to come down from the previous match and the fancy entrances.

Bray finally freaks Jericho out with the spider walk, does the thumb to the throat, hits Sister Abigail twice, and wins the match. I don't think Jericho was the fan favorite in this one.

If WWE still had Smackdown Records, a Bray Wyatt CD would make a great stocking stuffer for Christmas.

Jerry Lawler takes a sip of Mountain Dew on camera, and it's obvious he doesn't drink the Dew very often.

Brie Bella vs. Stephanie McMahon. You've seen the soap opera, now see the match. Stephanie comes to the ring in typical MMA attire, if they held MMA shows in a women's prison.

Basic moves to start. JBL compares Daniel Bryan to Tiger Woods. Hey, at least it's a reference from this century. The match is built around Brie trying to connect with the Yes Lock, and Stephanie escaping.

Stephanie hits a couple of offensive moves, and the fans chant "You've still got it." Okay, that's funny.

"What's Nikki Bella thinking right now?" I'm not sure, but I'll bet she's thinking about not missing her cue.

Brie gives us some Daniel Bryan Lite offense. It's not her strong suit, but Steph sells it like a trooper. Steph kicks out of the Brie Mode.

Hey, that's not Nikki Bella. Triple H is running in. And there's Nikki. Hunter pulls the ref out of the ring. Brie dropkicks Hunter. And, wait for it…Nikki turns on her sister.

The referee comes to and disqualifies Stephanie because Hunter put his hands on an official. Ha! Just kidding, Stephanie wins with the Pedigree. Tune in tomorrow when we find out Nikki turned because Brie changed her mind about the matching set of implants.

Let's lighten the mood a little bit by showing you the goof who won the Totino's contest. We call it "ribbing on the square."

Did You Know? Randy Orton is a former World Champion once considered the face of the WWE. Then, 2006 happened.

It's Reigns vs. Orton. Cole explains that Orton never wastes energy in the ring. That explains the chinlock. If Reigns' push to WrestleMania depends on how he does in this match, he's not there yet.

Orton takes the advantage and starts playing to the crowd. That's a classic heel move. Unless the crowd cheers for you. Reigns kicks out of the RKO, so Orton decides to soccer kick Reigns in the skull. He misses, and Reigns hits the spear. The crowd bought in to the finishing sequence.

Next year, SummerSlam is heading to New Jersey. Cut back to Los Angeles, where the crowd is clearly thrilled with that announcement.

John Layfield has a new catchphrase, "JBL 9.99." Let me know how many shirts you sell with that one, champ.

You know what this main event needs? The same hype video we've seen five times.

Believe it or not, I tried to avoid spoilers for this show, so I could watch with fresh eyes and an open mind. Only one spoiler found its way to me. Guess which one that was?

John Cena called Brock Lesnar a mercenary. Unlike Cena, who wrestles for free and donates all his merchandise money to the poor. Look, the champ has a new towel! WWE fans love John Cena, except the ones watching him in person. Yeah, that's the ticket. I'll be quiet for a few minutes. I need to watch this.

Sweet Lord, Brock Lesnar is strong. F5. German suplex. A million German suplexes. Wow. I've seen snuff films where the loser got more offense. F5 again. New champion.

Brock Lesnar came into UFC as a WWE guy and won the UFC Title. Now Brock has returned to WWE as a UFC guy and won the WWE Title. And John Cena is still down. Brock tells Paul Heyman it's time to leave. Right after he gets the nameplate changed on that belt.

***

Pat McNeill of Richmond, Va. has been a PWTorch Columnist since 2001. He'll miss Robin Williams.

We suggest these recent related articles...

McNEILL's Late Night Deadblog - WWE Night of Champions: Bucklebombs, Light-up Jackets, Poachers, IcoPro, Eddie, more!

Night of Gold: McNEILL Previews Night Of Champions 2015 (w/Wrestling History Lesson)

Double Duty: McNEILL previews ROH's All-Star Extravaganza VII pay-per-view!