By Pat McNeill, PWTorch columnist

Wake the pets and call the neighbors, it's time for our exclusive WWE pay-per-view projections!

DISCLAIMER: Projections are based on what the columnist would do if he were booking this event, instead of Paul "The Authority" Levesque, Vice President in Charge of Signing Off on Bad Storylines Stephanie McMahon and WWE President Vince "Neck Like A Stack Of Dimes" McMahon. Projections are not predictions, because this is the column where everything's made up and the points don't matter. This preview has been sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today. Some of our departing contestants will receive the Great American Popcorn Machine, furnished by Sunbeam. Pat McNeill's wardrobe provided by "Botany 500". Remember, this is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing. These predictions are based on what the columnist would do if he had creative control over WWE, except for the part where he physically forces the WWE creative staff to watch the entire Claire Lynch storyline from TNA, while their eyelids are propped open like Malcolm McDowell's in "A Clockwork Orange."

It's the biggest fight of the summer at the biggest party of the summer. It's WWE SummerSlam. We all know that John Cena vs. Brock Lesnar is the main event. However, there are fourteen other people who are convinced that their match is the semi main event. Who's right? Brie Bella and Stephanie McMahon, of course. Despite some fans not being interested in these dueling demoiselles, their contest is treated as the co-featured match.

You know what's good about this month's show? For the first time in a while, You don't have to struggle to remember who is on the undercard. WWE has allowed all of these issues to percolate over the past several weeks. That's a good sign, because they're going to be in the monthly supercard business for a long, long time.

Before we get down to brass tacks, let's get to this month's edition of the Wrestling History Lesson, because that's why many of you clicked here in the first place. Twenty years ago, on August 29, 1994, the World Wrestling Federation presented "SummerSlam '94" from Chicago, Illinois. In the main event, it was Alundra Blayze defending the WWF Women's Title against Bull Nakano. Vince McMahon and Jerry Lawler had the call.



What was happening in World Wrestling Entertainment fifteen years ago? I'm glad you asked! Mick Foley and Triple H were still fighting over who would get the WWF Heavyweight Title match at SummerSlam 1999. On Monday Night Raw from Milwaukee, Wisconsin, the two longtime rivals battled once again. Jim Ross, Jerry Lawler & "Stone Cold" Steve Austin had the call.


WWF Raw - 08/16/99by WrestlingFan

Did you see Smackdown this week? No? Watch it now. It kicks off with Dean Ambrose locking up with Antonio Cesaro in a battle of your online favorites. Michael Cole & John Layfield have the call. (If you want to see it, hurry, because WWE will have it down in about fifteen minutes. Or less.)



Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler and John B. Layfield will probably be announcing on this show. Will they mention how the Network costs $9.99 per month? Maybe. On with the program!

Rob Van Dam vs. Antonio Cesaro: That's right. Either Rob Van Dam or Antonio Cesaro will win a match at SummerSlam. Now that's suspenseful. Projection? WWE isn't high on Cesaro, but they're still higher on the Swiss Strongman than they are on Rob Van Dam. So Antonio wins with the Neutralizer, setting up the inevitable return bout on Smackdown.

The Miz vs. Dolph Ziggler (WWE Intercontinental Title): Normally, I'd have Miz losing in L.A., because this is Mizanin's adopted hometown. But not this time. Projection? Miz wins with the Reality Check. Look, Miz's title reign needs to go longer than one month, and people hate Miz enough that it works. And WWE doesn't see Dolph Ziggler as a big deal, so they won't protect him. If WWE wants to do something with the Showoff, they could book him in a nice autumn feud with Randall K. Orton, raising Dolph's stock and keeping people interested in what The Viper does.

Jack Swagger (w/ Dutch Dynasty) vs. Alexander Rusev (w/ Nadia Comascreech) in a Flag Match: As near as I can tell, this flag match will be fought under WWE Flag Match rules. Meaning this is a regular match, where the winner gets to wave his flag in the ring after the bout. Thrilling! Projection? Swagger wins with a rollup. Rusev beats up Big Hoss after the match and waves the Russian Flag anyway. You didn't think this feud was over, did you?

Chris Jericho vs. Bray Wyatt: The Wyatt Family is barred from ringside, giving Jericho a chance to fight Bray one-on-one. This important because last month, when the Wyatts had a three-on-one advantage, Jericho...won anyway. Projection? Y2J gets outfought for most of the match, but picks up another victory with the Codebreaker. Don't worry, Bray should kill him next month.

AJ Lee Punk vs. Paige Knight (WWE Divas Title): The Frenemies Feud has been held over for another month, due to Paige going full metal heel on us a few weeks ago. It's a good look on her. Projection? After some decent action and better theatrics, AJ finishes off Paige with the Go To Sleep. Why? Why not?

Dean Ambrose vs. Seth Rollins (Lumberjack Match): Nothing stops outside interference like a dozen other wrestlers outside the ring, half of whom don't like you. But it's a good way to get Sheamus, The Usos, Harper & Rowan on the show. Projection? The lumberjacks get into a huge brawl on the outside. Referee Chad Patton tries to clear the lumberjacks out of the ring. Rollins clocks Ambrose with the briefcase during the melee, and wins the first match of the feud.

Roman Reigns vs. Randy Orton: WWE fans are interested enough in Roman Reigns that they want the big guy to beat Randy Orton, but Reigns isn't ready to be WWE's top star. Hopefully WWE can resolve that issue in the next six months. Projection? Reigns takes it with the spear.

Brie Bella Bryan vs. Stephanie McMahon: Yes, you could put Stephanie over Brie Bella, but why on earth would you do that? Projection? Megan Miller is at ringside for Stephanie, and tries to interfere on McMahon's behalf, but Nikki Bella saves her sister, and Brie wins with the running knee to the head. Better yet, there's no Daniel & Brie vs. Triple H & Steph mixed tag match in the future.

John Cena vs. Brock Lesnar (WWE World Heavyweight Title): There's really only one way to do this, and that's to make Lesnar look strong. Can we do this without killing Cena? Maybe. Projection? Heyman stays out of the match. Lesnar gives Cena a beating early. Cena powers back and eventually gets the STF on Cena. Corporate Kane makes his way to ringside to talk to the ref. That distracts Cena so much he releases the hold. And that's all Lesnar needs. F5 through the announce table, and Brock drags Cena into the ring. Cena kicks out. A second F5, and a third, and Cena cannot kick out. Brock Lesnar is your champion.

Aftermath: How do you book Brock Lesnar as champion? It's not that difficult. There are six pay-per-views between here and WrestleMania XXXI. Lesnar vs. Cena in a rematch. Lesnar vs. Sheamus. Lesnar vs. Orton. Lesnar vs. Batista. Lesnar vs. Bray Wyatt. Lesnar vs. Bryan (or Punk, or Dean Ambrose if Bryan's out and Punk declines.) That's all you need.

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Pat McNeill of Richmond, Va. has been a PWTorch Columnist since 2001. He'll miss Robin Williams.

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