Exclusive PWTorch Deadblog of WWE Battleground
PWTorch Newsletter #1364 Supplement
By Pat McNeill, PWTorch Columnist

There's got to be a morning after. Isn't that what they say?

Under stormy skies on a Monday morning at the McNeill Mancave, I give myself over to the WWE Network to watch three and a half hours of WWE Battleground and the Battleground Kickoff Show. Years from now, when you talk about this - and you will - be kind.

It is time for the Battleground kickoff show in Tampa! Please welcome Renee Young, Christian, Alex Riley, and Booker T. And, about ten seconds in, it is time to start breezing through this pre-show. Let's go until we hit a match.

That was quick. Cole, Lawler & JBL are here for Adam Rose vs. Fandango. Adam Rose is accompanied by Summer Rae, Layla and the cast of "The Banana Splits."

Fandango has the advantage, and is distracted by the Exotic Entourage. Fandango, jumps down, gets slapped by Layla, gets slapped by Summer Rae, gets back into the ring and pinned. That's literally the whole match. The announcers are actually debating the 1960's television show "F Troop." F Troop was actually funny.

We get a good solid video package setting up Ambrose vs. Rollins. Renee asks Christian what a feud like this does to a man's psyche. "It is better than being on the WWE Network pregame show." Christian does not say.

Tom Phillips is backstage with The Usos. (The WWE Social Media Lounge fell victim to budget cuts.) The Usos bicker over which of them is better looking. (Probably the one that's married to Naomi. Just a hunch.)

Naomi vs. Cameron. Cameron's catch phrase is "Girl, Bye!" It's not exactly Austin 3:16.
JBL references Sigmund Freud and Cole thinks he's talking about Sigmund the Sea Monster. To his credit, it's a common mistake. Naomi looks like she's trying to beat up Cameron, which is all you can hope for. The crowd's actually chanting for Mrs. Uso.

Cameron wins with a handful of tights. This feud must continue.

Renee gets main event picks from the panel. Riley and Christian pick Roman Reigns. Booker picks Orton. So your winner will be Cena or Kane. Another video package and we go to the show.

Even though almost no Americans are watching this on pay-per-view, we still get the pay-per-view warning screen.

This is their Battleground. And there's always a Plan B. You don't suppose that's foreshadowing, do you?

We kick things off with The Usos against The Wyatt Family, two out of three falls for the WWE Tag Team Titles. I was wrong.

WWE is right. It *does* look pretty cool when everyone in the building holds up their cell phones like lighters.

Two weeks ago, the ref got the Usos confused. That's why they're wearing different face paint tonight. It is working, because even Michael Cole can tell Jimmy from Jey.

The featured hashtag tonight is #WWEBattleground. Clearly, we need shorter pay-per-view names. How about "WWE Boom?"

Luke Harper drops Jimmy Uso with the big boot to win the first fall. Boom. Jimmy makes the hot tag to Jey, who pins Harper with a rollup. We're even. Jimmy gets the hot tag in the third fall and runs amok. Harper makes his own comeback and hits the Flying Harper.

An impressive series of near falls off of big moves. Welcome to Ring of Battleground. Rowan superplexes both Usos back into the ring. Still not the finish. The crowd switches from chanting "This is awesome" to chanting for the Usos. THAT is awesome. The Usos (eventually) hit the double frog splash on Harper for the win. Follow that. No, really. I want to see somebody follow that.

Nothing says "pay-per-view" like a commercial for the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie.

Ambrose vs. Rollins is next. Huh? Tom Phillips interviews Seth Rollins. Seth, how does it feel to go from opening pay-per-views to…being in the second match on a pay-per-view?

This promo is going a little long. Evidently Dean Ambrose agrees, because he jumps Rollins from behind. It takes a gaggle of producers to pull Ambrose off of Rollins. Triple H throws Ambrose out of the building. That'll show him.

We're on to our next bout. Mrs. Punk vs. Paige for the WWE Divas title. Cole goes on about AJ and Paige's Twitter friendship. "Do you believe everything you read on Twitter?" asks JBL. No. No, I don't.

Someone in the crowd wants to marry A.J.. Dude, I'm afraid I've got some bad news. Paige tries to spear A.J. through the ropes. Yeah, I'm afraid I have more bad news, that move didn't work.

The crowd is yelling for A.J. to rally. No, wait. That's Paige. A.J. makes the comeback and wins with the Shining Wizard. Okay. That felt awkward.

I'm not sure if I just saw an ad for SummerSlam, or if WWE Studios is remaking the John Belushi classic "1941."

Back in the boiler room, Randy Orton apologizes to Kane. Kane does not apologize back to Randy Orton.

Since they scrubbed the Ambrose-Rollins match, Cole throws it back to the All-Star Panel. But really, it isn't an All-Star Panel without Jim Valley.

Jack Swagger vs. Alexander Rusev. Lana takes the mic and explains that America is leaderless and the President is a wuss. Somebody's been listening to Mark Levin. For once, JBL gets to deliver his point of view while being a babyface.

This is the most over Jack Swagger's been, ever. Bigg Hoss keeps trying for the anklelock. Hasn't anyone told him that move doesn't work? This is more of a match than Rusev's had so far.

Swagger puts the anklelock on for nearly a minute, but Rusev makes the ropes. Told you. The battle goes to the floor. Rusev posts Swagger and gets back inside the ring to score a countout victory. Rusev won, but the mystique isn't there.

Takis Fuego chips set your mouth on fire. Or something.

Goldust and Stardust are in search of the Cosmic Key. I guess that's why they're not on the show.

Seth Rollins is on his way to the ring. JBL tells us Ambrose should have been thrown out of the building. "He was." Silence. Rollins wants the victory by forfeit, and he gets it. The announcers are talking about Rollins and the briefcase when Dean Ambrose runs in and attacks Rollins in the aisle. Ambrose throws Seth around ringside. Security comes out to stop him, but Ambrose gets away. Then Ambrose escapes a second time. Triple H leads a crack force out to drag Ambrose away. That's when Rollins breaks free and attacks Ambrose.

This is not the best security force I've ever seen.

The Tampa crowd is on point tonight, chanting "Let them fight" as Ambrose and Rollins are finally pulled apart.

Chris Jericho vs. Bray Wyatt. Cole says this match is "as personal as it gets." As personal as Ambrose and Rollins?

We get the personalized video for Tampa. Just once I want to see Bray pull a Ron Burgundy and act like a heel. "Tampa. Go f--- yourselves."

Jericho gets his big entrance too. Can we skip the match and go straight to the battle rap?

Cole plugs Slam City, telling us it's funny. When someone has to tell you it's funny, it's probably not that funny. Cole goes on to explain that Harper & Rowan interfering in this match makes it unfair. JBL is unsympathetic

Jericho sends Bray to the floor. Y2J contemplates making the running dive, pauses and says "You know, maybe I'll just walk to the turnbuckle and dive from there." Good call. The ref sends Harper and Rowan to the back.

The rest of the match is okay. Then Wyatt walks into a codebreaker and Jericho wins.

Seth Rollins is heading out to his car. Are those the Shane Twins (aka Gymini) providing security? Ambrose is in Rollins' trunk. I don't know how he ended up there. Rollins escapes and speeds away.

"What does a guy have to do to get arrested around here?" screams JBL. From what I hear, you have to be driving drunk on the Causeway.

I see WWE is now on Instagram. Say, what happened to that other social media thing? The one WWE owns?

The Battleground Battle Royal is next. Did You Know? Curtis Axel was once the Intercontinental Champion. How is Diego in this and not El Torito? And the final entrant into the battle royal is…Wade Barrett? No, Wade just lets everyone know he'll be there to collect from the winner.

Damien Sandow is dressed as a retired tourist. He forgot his camera.

Khali throws two people out before getting tossed out himself. We start going through the undercard. Bo drops Sin Cara. Sheamus and Ryback square off before Sheamus boots the big guy over the top rope.

JBL explains that the smart plan is to stay on the mat and make your opponents dead lift you out. I'm sorry, but the commentary table is no place for that kind of analysis. Vince ought to dock Bradshaw a night's pay for that one.

Ziggler eliminates Alberto Del Rio. The crowd wants Ziggler to win. Cesaro suplexes Big E out. Barely. Kofi makes two spectacular escapes, then finally gets tossed. Heath Slater tosses Cesaro. We're down to two. Sheamus and Dolph. Actually, Miz is hiding outside the ring, but we'll get to that.

Ziggler eliminates Sheamus. Miz sneaks up and Dolph and dumps him. Miz is your Intercontinental Champion. And we're getting that Miz versus Ziggler feud.

The announcers tell everyone watching on pay-per-view to order WWE Network instead. That must be great if you're living in a country that doesn't have WWE Network yet.

Finally, it is time for the main event. John Cena vs. Randy Orton vs. Kane vs. Roman Reigns. "For my money, Cena's the greatest champion in WWE history, " crows Cole. Your money's no good here, Michael. Cena does get the biggest reaction, though.

The match is the usual four-way fare. Orton and Kane are mostly there to keep Cena and Reigns separated, but Team Authority gets into it witch each other. All four dudes get their spots in, then everybody hits a finisher. Cena goes last, gets Randy up for the Attitude Adjustment, and drops him on Kane. Cena pins Kane to keep the championship.

So, that's it. We get a subpar show, and we move on to Raw and SummerSlam. Thanks for reading.

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