By Pat McNeill, PWTorch columnist

Wake the pets and call the neighbors, it's time for our exclusive WWE pay-per-view projections!

DISCLAIMER: Projections are based on what the columnist would do if he were booking this event, instead of Paul "The Authority" Levesque, Vice President in Charge of Televised Bullying Stephanie "The Tan" McMahon and WWE President Bat S--- Crazy Vince McMahon. Projections are not predictions, because this is the column where everything's made up and the points don't matter. This preview has been sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today. Some of our departing contestants will receive a year's supply of Starburst fruit chews. Available in five different varieties. Furnished by M&M Mars. For a transcript of today's projections, please send $8 and a self-addressed, stamped envelope to McNeill's Take, c/o Pro Wrestling Torch, P.O. Box 211654, St. Paul, MN 55121. Remember, this is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing. These predictions are based on what the columnist would do if he had creative control over WWE. Although, really, the current crew isn't doing too badly.

Wade Barrett is injured. Daniel Bryan is injured. Seth Rollins has the Money In The Bank briefcase and Paul Heyman's client, Baaa-ROCK Lesnar, is already somewhere in Florida, lurking in the shadows. And Jerry Lawler won't even pretend he knows the artist performing this month's pay-per-view theme song. There are plenty of storylines going into tonight's WWE Battleground.

Before we get down to business, let's get to this month's Intercontinental Title edition of the Wrestling History Lesson, because that's why many of you clicked here in the first place. Twenty years ago, on July 18th, 1994, the World Wrestling Federation presented Monday Night Raw (pretaped) from Bushkill, Pennsylvania. In the main event, it was Kevin "Diesel" Nash defending the WWF Intercontinental Title against Lex Luger. Jim Ross & Randy Savage had the call. (Vince McMahon was a little busy at the time.)


WWF Raw 7/18/94by WrestlingFan

What was happening in World Wrestling Entertainment fifteen years ago? I'm glad you asked! The WWF Intercontinental Title was also at stake on this weekend in 1999. On Sunday Night Heat (pretaped) from Louisville, Kentucky, Jeff Jarrett defended his prestigious championship against "Road Dogg" Jesse James. Michael Cole & Kevin Kelly had the call.


WWF Heat - 07/18/99by WrestlingFan

Did you see Smackdown this week? No? Watch it now. It kicks off with an epic battle as Sheamus & Dolph Ziggler join forces against The Miz & Fandango. Michael Cole & John Layfield have the call. (If you want to see it, hurry, because WWE will have it down in about fifteen minutes. Or less.)



Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler and John B. Layfield will probably be announcing on this show. God bless them. On with the program!

Naomi McCray Fatu vs. Cameron Andrews: I know, it's not exactly "Orange Is The New Black." But it works. Cameron is convincingly annoying, and Naomi is convincing as the ex-friend who wants to wring Cameron's neck. Projection? Naomi plows Cameron's head into the mat and wins with the DDT. Meanwhile, Tom Phillips looks awfully lonely in the WWE Social Media Lounge during the preshow.

Big E. Langston vs. Antonio Cesaro vs. The Great Khali vs. Kofi Kingston vs. Rob Van Dam vs. Dolph Ziggler vs. Ryback vs. Curtis Axel vs. Alberto Del Rio vs. Bo Dallas vs. Sheamus vs. Diego Matadore vs. Fandango vs. Sin Cara vs. Zack Ryder vs. The Miz vs. R-Truth vs. Xavier Woods vs. Heath Slater vs. Titus O'Neil (20 Man Battle Royal - WWE Intercontinental Title): I'd expect this to open the show. Lots of entrances, lots of guys trading shots in the corner while wrestlers take turns giving us action sequences. Projection? Cesaro and Sheamus eliminate each other, so the two can feud over the United States title this summer. Dolph Ziggler eliminates Bo Dallas, but can't defeat Bo's upbeat attitude. The Miz eliminates Rob Van Dam at the end to become the Intercontinental Title. If Miz doesn't win, what else are you going to do with him?

Jimmy Uso & Jey Uso vs. Luke Harper & Erick Rowan (WWE World Tag Team Titles - 2/3 Falls): I have enjoyed the matches between these two teams. No, really. But it's time to either move forward or end the feud. Projection? WWE moves forward, with Jey Uso missing a dive and Luke Harper using the big boot on Jimmy Uso to win the deciding fall and the title.

AJ Lee Punk vs. Paige Knight (WWE Divas Title): The Best of Frenemies storyline livens up the Divas division. And, both these ladies can wrestle. Projection? Both ladies escape each other's submission finishers. AJ hits her British bud with a shining wizard and retains the title. There's a little tension after the match.

Jack Swagger (w/ Zeb Beardface) vs. Alexander Rusev (w/ Ivana Humpalot): It's America against Russia, right on the heels of the Malaysian Airlines plane getting shot down by a Russian rocket. A normal company would steer clear of these issues. But this is WWE. Projection? Both men are fighting an even match until Vladimir Kozlov makes his way to ringside and attacks Zeb Colter. Rusev rolls up Swagger in the distraction. Yes, I know it's unlikely, but I'm open to suggestions on how to keep this feud moving.

Chris Jericho vs. Bray Wyatt: Chris Jericho's strategy of showing up at odd times of the year pays off again. Jericho has actually made Bray Wyatt into a heel, and it is wonderful. Projection? Bray catches Jericho with Sister Abigail for the win. The Wyatts start up a three-on-one beatdown until the Dust Bowl team of Stardust and Goldust make the save.

Dean Ambrose vs. Seth Rollins: This was voted the favorite feud of the summer by our PWTorch Livecast fans, and all it's had is Ambrose trying to get his hands on Rollins and beat the crap out of him. Hmmm. Maybe that's why our fans named it their favorite feud. Projection? Ambrose accidentally clocks referee Charles Robinson, and Rollins wins by disqualification. Don't worry, kids, it's not over yet.

John Cena vs. Kane vs. Randy Orton vs. Roman Reigns (WWE World Heavyweight Title - Fatal Four Way): It's the calm before the storm. Projection? Reigns and Orton wind up brawling on the outside. Cena hits the Attitude Adjustment on Kane to keep the title. Triple H runs in and nails Cena with the sledgehammer. WWE Developmental Security drags Reign to the back. Orton and Rollins beat up Cena. Rollins cashes in the briefcase, just in time for Ambrose to hop the rail and hit Rollins with the Dirty Deeds. Cena covers Rollins while Ambrose escapes from the Authority.

Cue Brock Lesnar. F5 on Cena. A second F5 on Cena. Brock Lock until Cena passes out. Lesnar grabs the belt and poses with it while standing on Cena's face. Fade to black.

Aftermath: See you at SummerSlam.

***
Pat McNeill of Richmond, Va. has been a PWTorch Columnist since 2001. He'll miss Jim Rockford.

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