By Pat McNeill, PWTorch columnist

Torch Columnist Pat McNeill will be by at 7:30 PM Eastern to cover tonight's "Money In The Bank" show on WWE Network.

Breaking News: There's a girl hosting the pregame show! It's insanity! Dogs and cats living together!

Renee throws it to Tom Phillips, who replaces Renee in the WWE Social Media Lounge. Prediction: Not as many WWE people will be dropping by the Social Media Lounge tonight.

After some ridiculous picks from our panel, Bryon Saxton interviews Roman Reigns. Roman's plan is "Attack, attack, attack." Jim Duggan would be proud.

Money In The Bank "By The Numbers" video. Money In The Bank has been the launching point for seven future champions. And Damien Sandow.

I'm afraid I've got some bad news. Wade Barrett is not cleared to wrestle tonight.

Hey, kids, you can send your questions to Daniel Bryan via Twitter. Here's one from @realpatmcneill: "Daniel, Drunk Brie or Sober Brie?"

Michael Cole interviews Daniel Bryan. Bryan doesn't know when he'll be back. You see, he's been hanging with C.M. Punk, and Punk has that MLB Extra Innings Package...

Aw, this is sweet. Bo Dallas is out to give Daniel Bryan a pep talk. I can't wait until that BDP Yoga show comes on WWE Network.

I don't know what Bryan's been doing during his time off, but he definitely hasn't been working on his one-liners.

Our panel closes out the Kickoff show by picking Bray Wyatt, Randy Orton and Randy Orton. Poor Randy.

It's time. The entire city of Boston is on pins and needles tonight as Brock Holt prepares to lead off against Whitley...Oops. Wrong channel.

Narrator guy says this show is about the future. And nothing says "the future of WWE" like John Cena and Randy Orton in a main event.

Your opening match is The Usos vs. The Wyatt Family for the WWE Tag Team Titles. The Wyatts have new babyface entrance music. Wait, what?

Michael Cole tells us "Money In The Bank" is airing in 63 countries. Mostly, the ones that have already been eliminated from the World Cup.

Harper takes over on offense. Jerry Lawler makes a Kris Kristofferson reference. I guess Loggins & Messina were too obscure.

If you're wondering, yes, this is a hell of a match. If you're wondering, yes, this is a hell of a match. I don't know what's more surprising, the Usos winning clean or WWE showing an Usos match without cutting to commercial.

So, what's happened since the last WWE pay-per-view? Oh, not much.

Dean Ambrose cuts a promo. I hate to admit it, but I'm distracted by that knockoff Members Only jacket he's wearing.

Your Divas title match is next. Naomi is introduced as being from "Planet Funk." I'm not familar with that club, but I'm guessing it's near Tattletails.

The announcers are trying to figure out Cameron's reaction at ringside. Um, maybe she's crazy. Have you SEEN Total Divas?

Paige eventually wins with Nikki Roxx's old finisher. The story of the match is that Cameron was rooting against Naomi the entire time.

Michael Cole reminds those fans not on WWE Network that they're getting ripped off.

Renee Young reintroduces our panel of Booker T, (cheer) Christian, (cheer) and Alex Riley. (silence)

Making his way to the ring, it's award winning children's book author Rush Revere! Oh, sorry. It's Damien Sandow.

It's Adam Rose vs. Damien Sandow. What the...? Did Mrs. McNeill switch over to WWE Superstars when I wasn't looking?

Sandow as Paul Revere yells "The elbow is coming! The elbow is coming!" That's going to be the highlight of this match.

Rose wins. Tune into Raw from Hartford tomorrow, where Sandow will be dressed as the Hartford Insurance Stag.

We hear pretaped promos from the participants in the Money In The Bank briefcase match. RVD wanted to smoke a bowl during that promo, but WWE stopped him. Damn Wellness Policy.

Time for the Briefcase match, by the way.

"Hey, Jim, Rollins needs new entrance music. Where did I put my copy of Crappy Death Metal Riff Number 37?"

The match begins. Kofi Kingston decides to get all of his spots in before someone throws him off a ladder and kills him. Oh, good, he made it!

If you're in the TD Garden, you can go ahead and start the "Please Don't Die" chants whenever you're ready.

Kofi has a new strategy for this match. It involves kicking your opponents in the balls.

Ambrose superplexes Seth Rollins off the ladder, then gives the camera his "What the hell was I thinking?" face.

Rollins and Ambrose climb opposite sides of the ladder, while some poor fan tries to start a "We Want Ziggler" chant.

The doctors send Ambrose to the back. Kofi backdrops Seth Rollins off a ladder onto another ladder. That can't be good.

Chairshot. Chairshot. Chairshot. Chairshotchairshotchairshot. I love technical wrestling.

Rollins gets wiped out by Ambrose, but Seth's big brother, Kane Rollins, beats up Dean and steals his lunch money. Seth Rollins is your Money In The Bank winner.

Triple H and Stephanie come out onto the stage. They were watching Duck Dynasty and lost track of the time, but they're glad Seth won.

This Tuesday on WWE Network, it's the Best of Vickie Guerrero. Look out, Big Brother!

Up next, it's Ryback & Curtis Axel against Goldust & Stardust, the Dust Busters.

Cole promotes new episodes of WWE Slam City, where you can see Drew McIntyre as a security guard, JTG as a concierge and Curt Hawkins as a wrestling school trainer. (Too soon?)

JBL interrupts the match with important breaking news. Colombia beat Uruguay in the World Cup. Yesterday.

Stardust wins with the Cross Rhodes. Axel, upset that his team is losing their advantage in this best of 99 series, attacks Stardust after the match.

Byron Saxton interviews Fandango about his role as special referee in this match when Summer Rae and Layla start arguing. Fandango's not sure whether he's getting a threesome later or not.

Lana comes out with Rusev for a prematch promo. Lana apparently learned her Russian accent by watching Harrison Ford in "K-19."

It's Rusev vs. Big E. Langston. I'm going to watch this match. Be back in 45 seconds.

Lawler compares Lana to Hillary Clinton. Yeah, I'm pretty sure Hillary has the better Russian accent of the two.

Big E was going for an Apollo Creed look, but he wound up looking more like Clubber Lang.

Rusev finally puts Langston away. After the match, he announces that WWE has run out of black wrestlers for him to beat up, so could they please hire Jay Lethal?

WWE wants you to please not try this at home. Particularly not the way Ryback wrestles.

Earlier tonight, Daniel Bryan showed up and said...nothing important.

Backstage, Stephanie McMahon catches up with the Bella Twins. Brie dropped by to show Nikki her favorite video, and it's not a clip from "Total Divas."

Summer Rae versus Layla. Summer's in a two piece. Layla's wearing a red outfit and a mask. Fandango has a look on his face that says "I've seen this porno before."

Layla wins with a knockout kick. Fandango looks vaguely disappointed that Rosa Mendes hasn't shown up dressed as a pool cleaner.

Jon Stewart is here.

It's time for our main event. The first person out is...Triple H. Yeah, that's about right.

This match will begin after all the ring entrances conclude. Be back in ten minutes.

The match begins. A few minutes in, Kane sighs and goes out to the floor to get a ladder. Sure enough, Cesaro & Del Rio kick the ladder into Kane.

Four wrestlers climb two ladders. Kane sighs, and tips over the ladders. A monster's work is never done.

Cesaro gets the ladder pulled out from under him. He grabs on to the belts, and dangles. It looks like one of those old Crazy Glue commercials.

Sheamus and Cesaro battle atop the teetering ladder. "What ARE we doing?" "I have no idea, fella."

It looks like Sheamus is going to win, until Roman Reigns goes into BOSS MODE and beats up all the other wrestlers.

Orton is climbing the ladder, until he is cut off by Bray Wyatt, who catches Randy with Sister Abigail. I did NOT see that coming.

Orton is busted open, but the referee lets the match go on because the rules don't apply to Randy Orton. Kane and Orton have the match won, but they forgot that the match can't end without John Cena.

Cena beats up Orton and Kane, climbs the ladder, retrieves the belts and wins the title. All in a night's work.

John Cena is the greatest WWE star in the history of ever, and our show is done. Thank you for joining us here on PWTorch. James and Greg will be on PWTorchLivecast at the bottom of the hour. VIP members, the roundtable will be up later tonight.

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