By Pat McNeill, PWTorch columnist

Wake the pets and call the neighbors, it's time for our exclusive WWE pay-per-view projections!

DISCLAIMER: Projections are based on what the columnist would do if he were booking this event, instead of Paul "The Game" Levesque, Vice President in Charge of Televised Bullying Stephanie McMahon Levesque and WWE President Bat S--- Crazy Vince McMahon. Projections are not predictions, because this is the column where everything's made up and the points don't matter. This preview has been sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today. Some of our departing contestants will receive a year's supply of Quaker's Corn Bran cereal. You'll delight in the lightly sweetened crunchy corn flavor of this wholesome cereal. Furnished by Quaker. Remember, this is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing. These predictions are based on what the columnist would do if he had creative control over WWE...ish.

Sunday night's "Money In The Bank" main event is allegedly the biggest ladder match in the history of World Wrestling Entertainment. It's bigger than the TLC match between Randy Orton and John Cena six months ago, the one that unified the two WWE World Titles. It's bigger than Jeff Hardy vs. C.M. Punk from five years ago, Chris Jericho vs. Shawn Michaels, and all the various three-way bouts over the tag team titles. This time, the winner gets to be the Undisputed WWE World Heavyweight Champion and Grand Poobah of Professional Wrestling.

Before we get down to business, let's get to this month's edition of the Wrestling History Lesson, because that's why many of you clicked here in the first place. Twenty years ago, on June 27th, 1994, the World Wrestling Federation presented Monday Night Raw (pretaped) from White Plains, New York. In the main event, it was future WWF King of The Ring Mabel against future WrestleMania headliner Bam Bam Bigelow. Gorilla Monsoon & Randy Savage had the call. (Vince McMahon was a little busy at the time.)



What was happening in World Wrestling Entertainment fifteen years ago? I'm glad you asked! Before the 1999 WWF King of the Ring pay-per-view, we had a live episode of Sunday Night Heat on June 27, 1999 from Greensboro, North Carolina. The show started out with the McMahons cutting a promo (as usual) before rolling into an opening match of Matt Hardy & Jeff Hardy (with Michael P.S. Hayes in their corner) vs. Edge & Christian (with Gangrel in their corner.) Michael Cole & Kevin Kelly had the call.


WWF Heat - 06/27/99by WrestlingFan

Did you see the opening match of Smackdown this week? No? Watch it now. Here's WWE United States Champion Sheamus against Bray Wyatt in a non-title bout. Michael Cole & John Layfield have the call. (If you want to see it, hurry, because WWE will have it down in about fifteen minutes. Or less.)



Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler and John B. Layfield will probably be announcing on this show, unless they are "replaced" by Luke Harper & Erick Rowan. On with the program!

The Preshow: I'm guessing Daniel Bryan is on the show to announce when he's returning the ring. And if WWE is letting Bryan make this announcement, that means he'll be back relatively. Let's say, for the sake of argument, that Bryan returns in three weeks at "Battleground."

Big E. Langston vs. Alexander Rusev (w/ Natasha Fatale): We saw this bout earlier in the month at "Payback." I'm not sure what WWE has to add to the feud at this point, unless Hacksaw Jim Duggan is going to be in Big E's corner. So far, the most interesting part about the Rusev storyline is hearing which WWE personalities are interested in dating Lana. Projection? Big E is caught in the Accolade, refuses to tap out and Rusev ends up winning by referee stoppage.

Summer Rae vs. Layla El (Special Guest Referee Fandango): We're also hearing that Summer and Latla may have a dance-off before this match. Now how much would you pay? I don't know who came up with this storyline, but Fandango owes that person a nice gift basket. Projection? Fandango enjoys the attention of both ladies. Summer Rae wins with the spin kick. Layla rallies after the match and attacks Summer Rae. WWE sends Joey Styles to ringside to scream "Catfight!" into the microphone.

Paige Knight vs. Naomi McCray Fatu (WWE Divas Title): Naomi is a fan favorite. Naomi's partner, Cameron, is a rulebreaker, and a nasty one. Projection? Paige gains the advantage and is trying to lock in the PTO, when Cameron runs in and attacks the champ. Paige retains by disqualification.

Goldust & Stardust vs. Curtis Axel & Ryback: With the injury to Daniel Bryan and the lack of depth on the babyface side of the WWE roster, now wasn't a good time to have Cody Rhodes turn heel. I'm still not sure how much staying power the Stardust character has, but it should be enough to get us through the weekend. Projection? Stardust catches Axel with the Disaster Kick, and the Rhodes Boys win another one.

Jimmy Uso & Jey Uso vs. Luke Harper & Erick Rowan (WWE World Tag Team Titles): Harper and Rowan have become their own cohesive unit, complete with their own awkward, creepy theme music. Projection? Bray Wyatt comes out to provide the distraction, and Luke Harper hits Jimmy Uso with the discus clothesline. The Wyatts are your new WWE Tag Team Champions.

Dean Ambrose vs. Dolph Ziggler vs. Jack Swagger vs. Kofi Kingston vs. Rob Van Dam vs. Seth Rollins vs. Wade Barrett (Ladder Match - Money In The Bank Briefcase): Wade Barrett is injured and might be out of the match. The real question is, which one of these wrestlers would you like to see wrestling for the WWE Title on a mjor show in the near future. Projection? Rob Van Dam and Ambrose get their moments. Kofi Kingston gets in a ridiculously athletic highspot, but Seth Rollins is the man who grabs the briefcase.

Now we arrive at the top part. Who should win the WWE Title? For the answer to that, you need to start looking at WrestleMania 31 and work backward from there. There are many paths WWE can choose. Let's narrow it down with the follow observations:

1) Brock Lesnar beat the Undertaker at WrestleMania 30. In order for that story to have its maximum payoff, Brock Lesnar should not lose a match until WrestleMania 31.
2) Brock Lesnar only wrestles five or six matches a year. Which means...
3) Brock Lesnar should NOT wrestle for the WWE Title at SummerSlam.

That certainly narrows our options.

Alberto Del Rio vs. Antonio Cesaro vs. Bray Wyatt vs. John Cena vs. Kane vs. Randy Orton vs. Roman Reigns vs. Sheamus (Ladder Match - WWE World Heavyweight Title): Where are we tonight? Oh, right. We're in Boston. Projection? The eight big men knock each other around. Reigns and Orton pair off a lot and end up brawling on the floor. We get down to John Cena and Bray Wyatt, with both men throwing punch at each other atop the ladder. Harper and Rowan try to climb up and hlep their leader, but Cena punches, Bray loses his grip, and all three Wyatts come tumbling down to the canvas. John Cena wins the WWE World Heavyweight Title in his hometown!

Aftermath: The celebration lasts for, oh, about five seconds until Damien Sandow and Heath Slater hit the ring to attack Cena. And Fandango. And David Otunga. And Brad Maddox. (Yeah, I know he got fired, but this is how he gets his job back.) And Titus O'Neil, Tyson Kidd and any other undercard heels I might have forgotten about. Seth Rollins saunters down to the ring with the briefcase and Triple H. Kane and Randy Orton clear a path for Rollins, who hands the briefcase to referee Charles Robinson. Kane clocks Cena with the title belt. Rollins curbstomps Cena on a ladder. A second curbstomp. Seth Rollins pins Cena to become your new WWE World Heavyweight Champion.

That ought to hold everybody until tomorrow night.

***
Pat McNeill of Richmond, Va. has been a PWTorch Columnist since 2001. He wishes the U.S. soccer team the best of luck this week. They'll need it.

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