By Pat McNeill, PWTorch columnist

Pat McNeill hates liveblogging, but here he is liveblogging tonight's TNA Lockdown pay-per-view.

Your show tonight opens with Great Muta, Senada and Yasu against Bad Influence & Chris Sabin. This probably won't suck.

You know what does suck? Any sort of "battle for control of the promotion" storyline in the year 2014. Be sure to pass that along.

This is a good match. All six wrestlers look like they're enjoying the bout, and the crowd (what there is of it) actually chanted for Muta.

"Here's the postmatch celebration," crows Tenay as the victorious Japanese team stands on stage and pretty much does nothing.

Rockstar Spud is on his way to the ring, wearing Jonny Fairplay's suit. Spud introduces Dixie Carter as "the Mistress of Miami." Really? The whole city?

Dixie says Jeff Hardy is barred from the building. I'm sure that'll happen. And she's brought in an insurance policy from New York City. It's probably former WCW Champion Vince Russo.

We go backstage. Eric Young is answering fan questions on Twitter. Velvet Sky is answering fan questions on Facebook. I'm guessing Dewey Barnes is answering questions on MySpace.

Yeah, I'd avoid using that wide shot of the arena.

Your next match is Mr. Anderson vs. Sam Shaw. Shaw is accompanied to the ring by Bret Easton Ellis.

Shaw vows to kill himself unless Christy Hemme shows herself. He climbs to the top of the cage. Well, that's different.

Ken Anderson comes out and tells Shaw not to jump off the top of the cage. Because it's not high enough to kill him. Okay, I laughed. Anderson goes on to call Shaw a "creepy bastard." McDevitt's going to FedEx Ken a cease and desist letter in the morning.

Christy Hemme makes her way to ringside. This can't end well.

The Lockdown crowd is chanting for a guy who almost definitely isn't showing up tonight.

Shaw wants the cage opened. Earl Hebner takes forever to put the key into the lock, giving Anderson the chance to rally. Mic check. Second mic check.

Anderson goes up and over the cage. Christy grabs Shaw through the hole in the cage to keep Shaw from climbing after Anderson. Unfortunately, Shaw grabs Christy and pulls her inside the cage. Yes, there's a hole in the cage big enough for a person to fit through.

Anderson runs back into the cage and saves Christy, but Shaw chokes him out. Earl Hebner, who took a ref bump several weeks ago, recovers in time to see Shaw exit the cage and declares him the winner. Wow, that was an awful finish, both in theory and in execution.

Backstage, Bobby Roode rallies Team Dixie.

No Kurt Angle tonight. Apparently Ethan Carter injured Angle so badly that he couldn't get medical clearance. But EC3 is heading to the ring anyway.

You know how some younger wrestlers imitate the promo style of a more experienced wrestler? Ethan Carter is definitely channeling Matt Striker.

Carter issues an open challenge. Speaking of things that never end well...

Bobby Lashley is back in TNA. It's Lashley vs. ECIII. Hey, how about that? Carter tries to cheap shot Lashley, but Lashley spears Carter. Carter runs out of the cage. Apparently that wasn't an actual match. Because, if it was, Carter just beat Bobby in 30 seconds.

We get a Kenny King video package. He's from Las Vegas. Seriously, that's the whole point.

We get a pretaped promo from Magnus. He says he's too smart and dangerous for Samoa Joe.

Tigre Uno vs. Mannix. No, actually it's Manik. Mannix would have been funnier. This match is designed as a showcase for Tigre. Welcome to Lockdown, where even the squash matches take place inside the cage.

Tigre wins with a sick top rope move. Three matches so far, and two of them have been good.

Next: The Stormgunners explode!

I don't know if you're aware of this, but Gunner used to be a U.S. Marine.

Last Man Standing match between James Storm and Gunner. If you're wondering how to tell them apart, Gunner has more tattoos.

The match consists of Storm knocking Gunner down and telling the referee to count to ten. Gunner keeps fighting his way back up. The two men climb to the top turnbuckle, where they keep brawling.

Gunner superplexes Storm through two chairs. I hope that was less painful than it looked. Gunner stands a chair up and uses it to pull himself to his feet and beat the ten count.

Earlier tonight, Dixie Carter blah blah blah blah.

Backstage, MVP settles The Wolves down. No sign of Jeff Hardy. You see this one coming, don't you?

Time for Madison Rayne vs. Gail Kim. Rayne is a five-time Knockouts champ. She's the Ric Flair of the knockouts.

Taz, despite everything we've seen in ten years of TNA Lockdown, thinks the cage will prevent Lei'd Tapa from interfering in this match.

Gail Kim avoids leaving through the Gail-sized hole in the cage and tries to climb out over the top.

Madison finally hits a clothesline from the top rope and retains the championship. That was okay. By the way, can you imagine two WWE Divas pulling off a match like this?

Samoa Joe's pretaped backstage promo. Samoa Joe brought Magnus into the Main Event Mafia, and now he's going to take him out. We call that the Bill Cosby promo.

Magnus versus Joe is now, which means Lethal Lockdown is the main event.

Tenay reminds us that Samoa Joe beat Kurt Angle for the TNA Title at Lockdown 2008, in a match I can almost guarantee will be better thsn this one.

Jeremy Borash explains that this bout can be won by tapout or submission. On a similar note, I'll be driving to work tomorrow in either my Toyota or my automobile.

We've got some chain wrestling here. Taz does his job by explaining why Samoa Joe is trading holds with this guy instead of beating the piss out of him. Nice work.

We have our first blood of the night, a double juice job here.

Taz explains that a tapout is a type of submission. Tenay explains that JB meant to say "verbal submission." Guys, I was busting balls earlier. Try not to take this stuff personally.

Joe applies the cross armbreaker and Magnus makes the ropes. It's like they're having a wrestling match. Is it okay if I admit this is a better match than I expected? Really? Good.

Somebody breaks through from beneath the ring and drags Samoa Joe under the ring with him. That'll teach me to say nice things about TNA.

Joe fights his way past The Thing From Under The Ring and goes after Magnus. Then the Thing comes out. It's a fat attorney dressed entirely in black. They finally made me into a TNA character!

Yeah, Joe Abyss interfered and helped Magnus keep the title. Oh, my stars and garters. This is bad.

Let's ask the important question, the one you're all pondering. Who has to fix the ring before the main event?

Backstage, the agents have to hold Eric Young back, so he doesn't attack Abyss and Magnus and...bleed on them or something.

Dixie talks to Bobby Roode. If Roode leads Dixie's team to victory, he gets ten percent of the company. Which means he'll immediately have to pay $75,000 to Dixie's creditors.

Lethal Lockdown is on! Austin Aries is out first for Team Dixie. MVP sends himself out first for his team.

"What do you think of MVP's strategy?" Well, Mike, I think you always want to kick things off with the fellow who has the worst cardio.

Tenay and Taz can't figure out who Dixie brought in from New York to help her team. C'mon guys. We all know it's A-Rod.

Robbie E is out second for Team Dixie. MVP, the hometown guy, is taking a two-on-one beatdown. Dead silence.

Finally, we get Eddie Edwards in to even the odds. That livened the place up considerably. So far, so good.

Jessie's in third for the heels. Not the choice I'd have made, but he's doing a fine job of picking his spots.

Here comes Richards. The crowd likes the Wolves. They're definitely not out of place in a TNA main event.

Roode's in last and cleaning house. The announcers are selling it like MVP doesn't have a fourth team member, which is exactly what they should be doing.

The fourth man for MVP's team, of course, is Willow The Whisp. The lights go out. When they come back on, Willow is on top of the cage. Down comes the roof, with all the weapons on it.

Taz and Tenay have figured out that Willow is Jeff Hardy. But here comes Dixie Carter with tonight's special guest referee...Bully Ray. Wait, I thought Dixie was supposed to be incompetent?

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